“I’m on a diet.”

My friend slaps a bag of vegetable crisps and some low fat dip on the table.

“I’m over it. I have to get healthy.”

I look at it with a sideways glance.

Every so often a friend of mine decides to go on a health kick. This is good. I’m all for it. We all need to detox and learn healthy eating habits. However, I’ve noticed that people often don’t know what healthy is. Which makes for a very ineffective healthy eating kick.

Here is your we-are-not-trying-to-catch-fish-or-sell-your-soul-on-the-organic-food-market guide to the main foods people mistakenly consider to be healthy.

1. Sugary cereals

Okay, just because Coco Pops now has ,00001mg more fibre than yesterday, does not mean it’s good for you. Nor is muesli good for you. I know, I’m sorry. Many before you have fallen prey to the “it has raisins in it” catch. No. The sugar content in muesli could rival a chocolate sundae with toppings. Maybe not quite, but it’s close.

2. Always ordering a salad

Don’t always order a salad. Half the restaurants in the world can’t make a decent salad. You are going to feel like you are missing out. Because you are. Plus, just because there are green leaves in something doesn’t mean there isn’t lots of bad stuff in it. Dressings are evil, croutons are evil, and loads of fatty chicken is evil.

3. Energy drinks

You go for a run, you burn 250 calories. You come home and think “oh, I need an energy drink to recover”, and you drink 400 calories. Even if you are horrible at maths, it does not look good. Energy drinks are never needed. Drink water if you come back from a run, and if you lack energy then eat.

4. Yoghurt

Everyone loves yoghurt. It lures you in with the picture of the happy children and the cows crunching away in the green pasture. An average mini yoghurt has more than 2 spoons of sugar. The cows would not be pleased. What? Yeah, you’ve seen those containers, they are barely bigger than two spoons. Sigh. Go for plain and add fruit.

5. Vegetable crips

I can put those charred beetroot crisps into my mouth like they are the last living food source on the planet. Unfortunately, the nutritional value in your bag of vegetable crisps is well, none. Or, not a lot. Those vegetables are fried to death. They may as well be cheese curls by the time they come out the other end.

6. Low fat

Hmmmm, I don’t know what health doctor brought this one into fashion. We are tricked into buying low fat margarine and low fat sauces. Yeah, your dip may be lower in fat, but have you read the label? What about the additives; what about the carbohydrates? I can make my pizza low fat by taking off some cheese, but does that make it good for me?

7. Honey

Okay, so I’m all for somethin’ sweet, and honey is natural, right? Yes, but that doesn’t mean the sugar content is lower, or that you can spread a layer on your toast that is thicker than the snow in an Alaskan winter and rationalise it. Get your sugar kick, by all means, but cut it down so you are using less each time.

8. Tomato sauce and peanut butter

Nobody thinks tomato sauce is bad because it’s all tomatoes. It’s not all tomatoes. There is a lot of sugar. Same deal with peanut butter. Try find a no-sugar peanut butter and try find other alternatives to tomato sauce (or sweet chilli, or BBQ – they all have a high sugar content).

9. Cauliflower bake

Yum. It’s a veggie that doesn’t taste like a veggie so we all love cauli bake. Thing is, although cauliflower is neutral, all of the cheese sauce isn’t. Be careful of what your veggies are baked or fried in; it can make all the difference to the nutrition and health factor in your side dish.

10. Popcorn

Popcorn is everyone’s “I want something bad, but I shouldn’t have something bad” treat. If popcorn is air popped and salted then it really isn’t too bad. It doesn’t have any nutrition, but its fairly harmless. However, if popcorn is cooked in oil, buttered, or made into caramel you can not kid yourself that you are having a healthy snack.