About a year ago I met this guy who peaked my interest. He was from a different city (Johannesburg to be exact) and into fitness. Usually I walk away from this combination faster than if it was a guy on the side of the street trying to sell replica sunglasses and other fake designer items. But I didn’t because there was something about him which interested me. He was in finance but didn’t fit the “finance model”. He was interested in philosophy, travel and people. He was a great communicator and we could text for hours about dumb things and clever things. There was buckets of chemistry and loads of compatibility too.
Here is the sad part of the story. We only ever went on one date. Yes, one. This boy and I had what I call an “almost relationship.” You feel like you are in a relationship. You do the things that someone would do in a relationship. You like him. You invest time, emotions and thought into the whole deal. But it doesn’t become anything.
A series of Whys
And that’s the thing about almost relationships they leave you with a backlog of Whys? Why did he invest so much into me if the whole thing wasn’t going anywhere? Why didn’t he want to hang out again? Why did I think it would go somewhere? Why didn’t I see the signs? What did I do wrong? Was it the timing? Or was he a coward or was someone afraid of ruining the friendship? Why would someone leave something so alive with chemistry? Why, why, why didn’t it turn into a real relationship?
A slow wave of “oh no’s”
We tell ourselves to be ok. We tell ourselves to deal, it wasn’t anything real after all, but the reality of an almost relationship is that they take a while to move on from. Maybe it’s because there never was anything concrete so it’s hard to know when the NO is a NO. Maybe it’s that you don’t realise how much you really wanted it to work until it’s gone.
Ugly, but beautiful
Almost relationships are ugly. They are the sad reminder of not this time. They are the dream of something beautiful and hopeful slowly fading. And yet perhaps we should choose to believe that either they didn’t work for a reason and we’re better off apart or there was a lesson in the experience which we can wrap up in our mind and unwrap the next time something good comes along.
There’s always next time
Almost relationships happen to everyone at some time and you do have to just get over it. But get over it in a good way where you don’t end up bitter and twisted or you don’t question your value. You can move on from an almost relationship and try again.
The first lesson is: be careful about who you invest your time and effort into. Of course we all have to invest into someone to get to know them, but too much investment either too soon, or without anything concrete being handed your way is never a good idea. Choose the decent ones who treat you well. Choose the people with integrity and kindness.
The second lesson is if you really feel strongly about something do what it takes to make sure it doesn’t become an almost relationship. Communicate clearly about what you want, communicate clearly about any problems and be willing to listen.
The third lesson is that if you don’t get into some almost relationships you will never get into any actual ones. We all have to take risks and have to try things in the hope of something else. It’s worth it in the end, for the real thing.