Cassan Ferguson

We can often very easily slip into comparing ourselves with others and let the disappointment of what we don’t have influence our emotions, our outlooks, to our behaviour.

We as moms have moments where we compare ourselves with other moms, and we can get caught up in it. Which often distracts us from the truth of who we are and what we called do. We then start to play “The Mom Comparison Game “. You know, that ruthless game we play with each other that kind of looks like this:

The Mom Comparison Game:

She seems to have it “all together”!  – if only.

She is so lucky to have an au pair, AND a full time nanny to help with the kids! – if only. 

She is so lucky that she has the balance of working full time, and being a great mom , that ALWAYS looks so beautiful! Is she mythical, surely she can’t be real! – if only.

She is so lucky to be at home with her child all day! – if only.

She is so lucky that she has a husband to help father her children! – if only. 

She is so lucky to be able to afford to send her kids to private schools! – if only.

She is so lucky to be able to afford to send her child to ANY school! – if only.

She is so lucky to have a house, to have furniture, to have warm food and clothing to provide for her children! – if only. 

Followed by a BIG SIGH of “IF ONLY “. Can anyone relate?

Maybe your comparison list looks a little different, and you feel a bit down or disheartened about yourself and your situation because you are comparing it to someone else’s way of living. The truth is, when we entertain the very thought of comparing our lifestyles, or families, to our parenting abilities, we become distracted, resentful, and disheartened. Comparison causes us to become envious of others. One of the best ways to root out the cause of envy is to change our perspective, and to change the way we look at things!

Don’t look left or to your right

When we get caught up looking to the left and to the right, and get distracted in what others are / aren’t doing we tend to lose our focus on the here and now. If our gaze is constantly on others, we take our eyes off of our destination, because we are distracted and consumed by what we think we are lacking. If our focus is ahead, and we look forward to what is in front of us; we are focused, we are driven, we are purposeful, we are in the moment.

Be grateful for what you do have

A heart that is filled with gratitude becomes a heart that is filled with; contentment, happiness , thankfulness, and feels blessed. Sometimes we forget that what we have, someone else is desperate for, like food, water, and shelter. Don’t overlook what may seem small and insignificant in your life, it is a blessing!

Celebrate who you are

The truth is no one can do what you do quite like the way you do it! You are unique, you have certain strengths and skill sets that no one can embody or replicate. When you have a sense of knowing who you are, and owning who you are and what you bring as a mom, you will celebrate that by bringing joy into your home. You were created to be the right kind of mom for your child! Be confident in that!

When you focus on wanting to be the person that God has called you to be, you will find purpose, meaning, satisfaction, and fulfilment. You can’t focus on your purpose, while getting caught up in what others have or are doing.

If your heart feels troubled at the moment, and you feel like you can relate to this post, and you want to move forward as mom on a mission filled with passion and confidence, please may I encourage you to click on the link below or to share this with someone in your world.

The first time I truly experienced this “Mom Guilt” was when my son was just a few days old. He had spinal tension and full blown colic. Therefore he was constantly screaming, and because I was anxious and still recovering from my C-section, I was a nervous wreck. Which made things worse, for both mom and son.

Malakai was in pain, I was in pain, and I felt very helpless, as I felt like I was not getting this “mom thing”. Have you ever felt like this? Like you weren’t getting this whole mom thing?

I used to feel that no matter what I did, or how I did it, it just made things worse. The crying from 12 till 6 am EVERY NIGHT. Then crying throughout the day for four to five hours, was killing me. It was soul destroying, and what would make it worse, was when other moms would say “Trust me, you will know what every little cry means, and you will know exactly what to do”.

NOPE! That did not happen! I felt like I was constantly trying to play baby charades with my son. And I felt like the worst player, because it felt like I was getting it wrong ALL THE TIME! The moments where I was totally alone with my son, were the scariest for me, as I felt vulnerable, and very fearful of my son.

How strange is that? To feel afraid of a new-born baby? I was meant to be the mom! I was meant to make my son feel safe and secure, but I didn’t even feel safe myself! I felt these waves of guilt knock me down with its weight. I felt overwhelmed, I felt disappointed in myself, I felt like a failure, I was frustrated, angry, sleep deprived and I felt like the worst mom on the planet, which in turn made me feel very guilty!

Hello Mom Guilt!

Mom guilt can be a vicious cycle. It comes and it goes, then it comes and then it goes, like waves.

Here’s my mom guilt confession list:

I felt guilty when

I thought about leaving my son at my mom for the first time when he was still a new-born.

I felt guilty when

I put him down angrily in his cot after him screaming non-stop.

I felt guilty when

I stopped breast feeding and expressed milk into bottles when he was only 10 days old.

I felt guilty when

I introduced formula milk at seven weeks old.

I felt guilty when

He fell off the bed.

I felt guilty when 

He slipped in the bath.

I felt guilty when

I had no choice but to go back to work when my son was only four months old.

I felt guilty when

Malakai had to stay over in hospital not once BUT twice under the age of one due to health reasons.

I felt guilty when

We found out he had allergies, and most of the things we fed him were things he was allergic to.

I felt guilty when

I missed his class year end function because I had to work.

I felt guilty when

I yelled at my son out of frustration because I ran out of patience.

The truth is, that Mom Guilt comes and it goes, it is inevitable, and it comes with the territory! But how do we deal with it? How do we move past it without letting it consume us?

Then He said to me

I remember a moment so clearly where I was desperately trying to rock my son to sleep. I was angry, I was tired, I was frustrated, and I felt guilty for feeling all of those things. I said to God, “Why, did you do this to me? Why do I have to have it so bad? Why can’t I just enjoy this season? ”

There was quiet for a moment. Then in that silence, I heard this response in my heart:

“My daughter, it will never be easy when raising a legend, chin up!”

I burst into tears. I realized that I let guilt enter my heart, I let it settle and make a comfortable home in my heart. I realized that I let the hurt, the fears, the failures, the disappointments, and the guilt control and consume me.

God reminded me:

1) Daughter

God reminded me that I was His daughter, I was still His child. Therefore I still need Him to guide me, to parent me in a lot of ways. He reminded me that I don’t need to have it “all together”, all of the time, that’s His job! Because I am His daughter, I can come to Him, I can feel safe in Him, I can find rest and solace in Him.

2) We are raising legends.

There will be seasons of joy, ease, and celebration. With greatness there is challenge. Challenges can refine our character, and it can inspire and strengthen those around us, and those in our care. Sometimes we need to embrace the crazy that motherhood brings, and remind ourselves that it is normal to have “those days”, but don’t let “those days” swallow you whole!

3) Chin up.

When our focus is down cast, we look at the immediate, and we become overwhelmed by our circumstances. But when we look up, and focus our gaze heaven ward, we place our eyes, our concerns, our hopes to the one who believes in us, who has confidence in us.

Chin up beautiful mom, you’ve got this!

Beautiful friend, please know and trust that you can do all things with the help of Jesus. He will strengthen you when you feel like you have nothing more to give, He will guide you when you need to make tough parenting decisions. He will refresh you when you feel empty and a bit lost. The best part with doing this parenting gig with Jesus, is that we can click “RESTART” button daily if not hourly, especially when we rely on him to help us through it!

You are not alone in this! Your best parenting days are ahead of you! If you would like to click the restart button, why not click on the link below to help you get started!

I find myself in the mom-sphere of life, and with that comes a whole new world of things that can leave one feeling very overwhelmed at times. You are bombarded with information on “How to mom, how to kid”. Some of these books, websites, blog posts can help at times, but it can cause you to doubt how you are doing things as a parent.

I remember I got to a stage, where I thought to myself; “ I will read, research what I need to, but I will define and use what is useful and necessary for the needs of my family”. It was so freeing and so liberating getting to that stage in those very early newborn days with my son.

Every child and family situation is unique. Therefore we need to adapt the rules of parenting to what will work for us, and most importantly what will work for our children. However, not everyone thinks like that, and they will insist that you know that too!

The confident mom

I belong to a couple of mommy groups on Facebook, and there are elements about it that I absolutely love. I find it encouraging, and helpful as women exchange tips, advice and celebrate those parenting moments with you. They are what I like to call the “pick me up, I’ve got your back moms”. They are confident in who they are, and encourage and celebrate mom milestone moments with you.

The mom bully

Then there are the other moms that like to burst your bubble, they feed off the negative, and pass judgment after judgment along with their opinions and criticism. You walk away from those online conversations feeling like the worst parent in the world, like an absolute failure.

I have encountered these moms, who have said things in passing without knowing or wanting to know the reasons behind the decisions I made with regards to the birth of my son, to eventually moving onto formula feeding. From the disapproving eyes, to the cold hearted remarks that leaves one feeling shocked, disheartened, to doubting yourself as a mom.

Topics that lure mom bullies :

C-section births.

The bully : “ That’s the easy way out!”
Reality : What if the mom had to have an emergency c-section?

Formula feeding.

The bully : “ If you gave up breast feeding, it’s because you didn’t try hard enough and persevere!”
Reality : What if her milk supply dried up?

Daycare for babies.

The bully : “ How could you put your baby’s health at risk like that!”
Reality : What if financially she had no choice but to go back to work?

I find that those topics bring about heated opinions. What I don’t understand is how some women feel entitled to bully other moms with the words that they speak. Especially when they don’t even know that moms situation as to why she chose the above topics?

Sometimes women can say things (especially moms) without thinking and can leave another mom feeling like a failure.

As moms, we need to listen to one another, encourage one another. It’s not easy being a mom, it’s hard work, and with this season of being a mom comes mom guilt. Therefore we need to have each other’s backs, and speak life, courage, and faith into the hearts of moms.

In the Bible it says in Proverbs 18:21 :

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

There is power in the words that we speak over ourselves and over the lives of others. What words are we speaking over others and over ourselves? What words are we allowing to shape and influence the way we think and behave?

If you have had words spoken over your life and situation; that has left you feeling like a failure, or may have caused you to feel despondent, and doubt who you are, just know that there is a God who thinks the absolute world of you, who called you by name and created you with such love and detail – a God that called you for greatness!

Let God affirm who you are, by getting to know him more intimately. If you are not sure about how to go about doing this, allow me to encourage you to click on the pop-up or the banner below.