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Cassan Ferguson

Dealing with toxic family members

Cassan Ferguson
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Dealing with toxic family members

It’s one thing to cut off ties with toxic friendships, but it’s another thing to navigate relationships with family members who are a bit toxic. Family is, well family, and we can’t really escape them, or pretend they do not exist all together.  We need to use wisdom when it comes to maintain healthy boundaries. Boundaries that both protect you and the relationship. This is by no means an easy feat!

Signs of a toxic family member

  • They constantly make you feel down and bad about who you are.
  • They constantly make you feel drained and take from you emotionally.
  • They manipulate you into feeling and doing certain things.
  • They often make you feel guilty.
  • They speak down on you, and do not value your opinions.
  • They try to control you or the relationship and want it only on their terms.

Dealing with toxic family members

If it becomes abusive – seek help ASAP!

  • If a family member is completely abusive whether it’s physical, emotional or mental – you need to speak to a counselor as a means of helping you to establish healthy boundaries within your personal space. This could mean cutting off of those family members. Your health – mentally, emotionally and physically – is far too important to risk!

Filter their opinions

  • If it’s a relationship dynamic with a sibling or parent that is unhealthy remember to filter what they say around you, and do not let their words or opinions dictate and decide who you are.

Create healthy boundaries

  • Create boundaries. In that way you are encourage self-respect within your own life, and you are letting them know that they cannot invade that space without your permission.

Confront

  • If you feel that they are open to hearing you share or confront them with what you feel, then by all means speak with them. Maybe they aren’t even aware of their behaviour. The confrontation could help enlighten them and encourage them to change, as a means of salvaging the relationship.

Use wisdom

  • Use wisdom when it comes to the amount of time you spend with them. If you feel that they completely drain you and demand a lot from you emotionally without giving anything back in return, know to use your time and emotional space wisely.

Just know

  • Creating boundaries within your personal life places respect and value on your life. You can’t let people make you feel anything without your permission. Just know and remember that who you are is amazing and special, do not let anyone make you think otherwise.

Why do toddlers need boundaries?

Cassan Ferguson
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Why do toddlers need boundaries?

At the moment I am raising a very outspoken, confident, strong-willed toddler. On one hand it is so amazing because he is so confident in the way he communicates and expresses his opinions, feelings and thoughts. However, on the other hand he can debate and battle for a compromise of sorts with us, his parents, ’till he is blue in the face. He has a lot of fight in him, and at the end of most day I feel like I have been playing the toddler ‘Hunger Games’ with him, where I just about survive.  Because he is so strong-willed, we need to keep those boundaries firmly in place, or otherwise he takes over and rules the roost!

Phew!

It is so exhausting, and some days I feel like giving up and letting him do whatever he wants.  However, I know I need to suck it up, get my head in the game and put those valuable structures in place, as a means of keeping us all (semi) sane!

Boundaries shouldn’t be seen as something negative, or as a means of controlling our kids. Kids should be raised to form opinions, and should exercise the right to feel and express them freely. However, they need to learn that they can’t always get their way. They need to learn to respect others by having established boundaries in place.

When establishing healthy boundaries remember to:

  • Be consistent
  • Let them have and voice an opinion
  • Choose battles wisely
  • Explain to them what the boundaries are and why we should respect them
  • Encourage them when they do listen and encourage positive behaviour

When they push your buttons, try not react out of an emotional space or take any of it personally.  Always try to remain calm – even if that means stepping into another room and taking  a few breaths before returning!

The importance and benefits of healthy boundaries

  • It prepares them for the real world.
  • It teaches them about respecting others.
  • It gives them a sense of order.
  • It teaches them to feel confident when handling responsibilities.
  • Rules and boundaries allows our children to feel safe.

What we do today with our children sets them up for a better tomorrow and future. Parenting is fun and all kinds of magical. It is also challenging, as we are raising little people with their own unique personalities, whilst teaching them to be well-balanced individuals. So take heart and know that all of us parents are in the same boat feeling very similar things. All we can do is our best, and know that tomorrow is another opportunity to press refresh and do the best that we can for our little ones.

Why them and not me?

Cassan Ferguson
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Why them and not me?

Sometimes, I have moments where upon seeing someone realise their dream or receiving their miracle I mutter under my breath, “why them and not me?”. I am human, which means there will be times where I feel down about my season of waiting. It isn’t always easy to be happy for someone else who is advancing or receiving great things.

*SIGH.*

Yes, there are times where I am beyond happy for others and all of their answered prayers, and I love celebrating with them. But as I said there are days when my heart sinks, tears fill my eyes and I don’t even have the words to express the disappointment that fills my heart. It’s like one big emotional rollercoaster filled with highs and lows and upside twists and turns.

Good for them and good for me!

However, I am determined to not let the lingering thought of “why them and not me” get the better of me, or get the better of my story that is ultimately God breathed. Therefore, when I feel those lows, I remember the following and quickly get out of that dark hole, and step back into the light.

Our stories are different and very personal
  • What happens and transpires in somebody else’s life is probably meant to be totally different to how my life pans out. Our roads, journey and destinations are all unique and looks very different, and that is okay, if not amazing!
It’s okay to feel low, but don’t stay there
  • Feeling an array of emotions is totally normal, and it’s proof that we are human. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but do not linger or live out of that place. It will only make your heart more bitter and resentful, if not jealous and angry. Keep your heart soft and filled with expectation by stepping out of that dark space and back into the light.
Those lows are opportunities to seek God out more personally
  • Often when I feel like I’ve been forgotten by God, or feel like the things that I am trusting God for are simply not happening in the time I would like, I can’t help but seek even more in frustration. When I don’t have the answers, I know that He does. When I feel disappointed or heartbroken, I know that He will lovingly comfort me and heal my brokenness. My gaze stays on Him, my heart trusts in Him even more, because without Him I am helpless!
Focus on all the good
  • Often we tend to fall into the trap of focusing on all of the things that we don’t have in our lives. When in actual fact we overlook all of the good things that we do have in our lives! Look at your life and acknowledge all of the blessings that you do have!

and lastly:

God’s timing is perfect and always on time

Rest in knowledge that this is true, even if it feels like you have been waiting for ages. Trust the journey, trust the pace, and know that God has not forgotten about you. His timing is always perfect, which means He knows exactly when to let things come to pass that will ultimately add blessing to His perfect will for our lives.

‘Online influencer’ what’s that?

Cassan Ferguson
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‘Online influencer’ what’s that?

Sometimes in the line of work that I do, I often meet very interesting people with very interesting career paths. Of late I am meeting creatives who describe themselves as “online influencers”, or are aspiring to be an “online influencer”.

HUH? WHAT’S THAT?

An online influencer can range from celebrities, specialists, professionals, journalists, or anyone with a great online following/readership, whereby fans or readers listen and follow the; advice, tips or trends of various online influencers.

WHAT’S THE BIG FUSS?

As a part of marketing strategy, brands are wanting to work with online influencers as a means of reaching their audience, and ultimately achieving buy in from the influencer and their following. Online influencers can become brand ambassadors and can be commissioned for promoting their brands and products on their social media platforms.

You see it all the time whether it’s on Instagram, or through to Youtube vloggers – advertising agencies aswell as brands are paying more and more online influncers to help sell their products by accessing their audience reach. Online influencers could use their platforms to promote the following: clothing brands, beauty products, health products, tech gadgets, through to any other desirable lifestyle ‘must haves’. This way of advertising has become a more direct way of communicating with targeted audiences.

ONLINE INFLUENCER PROS AND CONS

CONS :

  • We may doubt whether said influencer is only promoting product as a means of being commissioned and not really authentically promoting a product or brand.
  • Influencers may start to look and sound like a walking advertisment, that ultimately waters down their content and following.

PROS :

TRUST : If we feel that influencers are being authentic and would only promote and use products themselves, then we feel that we can trust their opinions before buying the product ourselves. In that way we know and trust that the influencer tests the products, loves it or doesn’t, and would use it for themselves, then we will confident in their opinion of the products.

REMEMBER

Whatever we stumble across online whether it’s written or creatively crafted by an online influencer, we should always ask if what we are reading or seeing is something that could positively influence and add to our lives on a personal level. Also, remember to check the facts before buying into something, take time to research and investigate all the facts before spending any money.

Can social media encourage narcissistic behavior?

Cassan Ferguson
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Can social media encourage narcissistic behavior?

“Me. Me. Me. Me. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” It’s all about me, and what I’m doing, and where I am right now, and who I’m with, and how awesome I look?!

“Look. Look. Look. Here I am again!”

Sound familiar? Yes? Nope? As social media grows with millions upon millions users, so does the toxicity of it negatively influence online users to become very ‘me’ focused, which in turn encourages narcissistic behaviour.

Narcissistic is defined as :

Having or showing an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance.

But first let me take lots of selfies

It’s no surprise that with the rise of social media and the need for young people to post about everything, as a means of getting likes, comments, followers and a flood of compliments that feed their egos, and fuels narcissistic behaviour within them. With every selfie that is posted and the boasting of their achievements online their need and desire to receive more attention grows, making the whole scenario addictive.

The root of narcissistic behaviour

According to psychology expert Lisa Firestone:

“Self-esteem differs from narcissism in that it represents an attitude built on accomplishments we’ve mastered, values we’ve adhered to, and care we’ve shown toward others. Narcissism, conversely, is often based on a fear of failure or weakness, a focus on one’s self, an unhealthy drive to be seen as the best, and a deep-seated insecurity and underlying feeling of inadequacy.

It is important to understand that narcissism stems from underlying feelings of inadequacy. Many children of the millennial generation were given form rather than substance, presents instead of presence, which leaves children feeling insecure. Empty praise causes children to feel entitled while lacking the true confidence necessary to feel good about themselves. Our society’s shift towards instant gratification appears to be having a negative effect on our kids.”

The internet did not raise me

We are living in a world, time, era, and generation that is being raised with the internet, wifi, and social media as the norm. Therefore, we need to always encourage and nurture our young people to grow up knowing and understanding their sense of value and worth. It’s important that they realise they cannot find their worth or confidence via any sort of online affirmation.

I have a few friends who get lost online. Social media makes them feel anxious or it makes them feel less than because they don’t feel “cool” enough compared to somebody else’s lifestyle and Instagram feeds. It is so bizarre that social media has that kind of power over us. Social media along with fellow online goers, who are mostly random strangers cannot tell us who we are, or what we are worth.

Our sense of worth and value comes from truly knowing and loving who we are at the very core of what makes us, us. Social media should never have the power to control us to such an unhealthy level, creating an inwardly focused way of living.

If that has become the case for you personally, then maybe it is time to give social media a break, and do something different with your time and energy. Doing something different that nurtures your heart and soul could look like writing down your thoughts, exercising more, getting outdoors, spending quality time with loved ones. Feed your soul, not your ego, be a happy healthy YOU!

At the end of the day our true worth is found in the truth that we were created by a God who loves us and who doesn’t make mistakes. No amount of Instagram likes, Facebook friends or Twitter followers can compare to knowing that God is interested in your life and cares for you.

If you would like to know more, or have questions about your value, please click on the link or leave a comment.

Judgement and persecution of celebrities

Cassan Ferguson
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Judgement and persecution of celebrities

If celebrities are not being adored, or idolized by their fans, they are under constant scrutiny and persecution from haters enduring bizarre news headlines and the paparazzi looking to make a quick buck at the expense of celebrities in any way they can.

Celebrities and pedestals

Some say that it comes with the territory of being famous, but purposefully breaking anyone down regardless of their level of fame is still uncalled for. Celebrities are human beings with feelings like everyone else, but sometimes we forget that, as we place them on an unrealistic pedestal and we expect perfection and nothing less from them. This must put a lot of unnecessary pressure on them to always be “perfect”. But this way of living and being can only last so far, until they crash and burn, or do something that goes out of the way to offended others at large.

Celebrities are human beings, with feelings, and will sometimes slip up (as we all do) and make mistakes. Shock. Gasp. Horror. When that happens we feel that it is our right to judge and hate on them, or speak ill of them, when in actual fact we know nothing about them, or their situation for that matter. We only know what we want to know or choose to see.

Celebrities, media hype and empathy

When I see a celebrity make a mistake, or do something that is out of character or bizarre, I always pause for a moment and ask myself “what brought that on?“, as a means of not falling into media hype, and reminding myself that they are just people at the end of the day.

Before I speculate or try to form some sort of judgment, I always ask myself if I would like my life to be torn to shreds by speculations, assumptions and harsh uninformed judgments? And my answer (and hopefully yours too) is a big resounding ‘No thank you!’

Hop off the judgement train

I hope you are hearing what I am saying, or where I am going with all of this. It’s not our place to judge anyone, without looking at our own lives closely and understanding we are not perfect or holier than thou. Who are we to judge?

I sometimes think that we have forgotten to be empathetic and to show kindness and grace towards our fellow-man. Before hopping on the judgement train, remember to step back and look to see if you are completely faultless and perfect. Instead of living and preying off other people’s weaknesses, we should rather try to see the good, and speak life over them and over their situation.

How should we respond to suicide and mental health

Cassan Ferguson
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How should we respond to suicide and mental health

Whether you have experienced the loss of a loved one, friend or family member to suicide, possibly have read about it online or even had suicidal thoughts yourself you will have some sort of understanding of the dark depth of despair that surrounds it.

It can make us feel helpless, frustrated, confused or angry because it’s hard to fully comprehending it, and understand why it happens to beautiful people. Sometimes we can shrug it off like it’s society’s norm, and maybe that’s due to a lack of empathy or due to being completely desensitized to it all, because it’s somehow  not personal to us.

Soft hearts that break for the broken

Being ignorant or choosing not to care about others in general is not humane, and it most certainly should not be our norm in any way, shape or form. Our hearts should break when we hear of those that have taken their life, or taken the lives of others. If we scroll through social media and read news headlines and articles announcing death whatever the cause, from suicide, drug overdose through to people taking other people’s lives – we should feel a heavy weight, and mourn the life of our fellow-man.

If we just scroll past said article headlines and mutter to ourselves “oh, there goes another one”, and keep on scrolling through our feeds without feeling anything at all – then we are treating human beings as if they are mere objects of no importance. Whether we may know those involved personally or not, it’s a life that was taken way before its time, and most probably taken in an unhealthy frame of mind.

Hearts that lean in and empathise

I have had family members and friends who have struggled with everything from depression through to battling drug addiction. There have been times where some of them have tried to take their own life because they felt a constant emotional and mental suffering. This caused them to feel totally worthless, and wanting to give up and commit suicide.

A friend of mine who tried to commit suicide somehow miraculously lived and survived.  She has now made it her mission to speak openly and honestly about depression and suicide as a means of educating and empowering those who struggle with it.  She also hopes to enlightening family members to feel more educated and on the same page when it comes to supporting loved ones who feel this way. I think this is so great and amazing, as it encourages us to not only empathize, but to feel educated, informed, and empowered as we go about loving, and supporting those who have any debilitating mental health issues.

The point of this post is to encourage all of us to be sensitive towards those who have either lost their lives to suicide, or to those who struggle with depression and suicidal ways of thinking and feeling. The more awareness we create around mental health, and become informed through understanding and by being informed, the more support we can offer to those in need.

There are extensive articles online that can be found that are both helpful and insightful. There are workshops and conferences where guest speakers go around to schools or various venues speaking about these issues, and pointing everyone towards practical ways that can be helpful to those in need. Experts may encourage anything from counseling, and medical treatment, through to offering emotional support to family members.

We need to choose to want to understand.

We need to choose empathy.

We need to be informed, as opposed to assuming or being dismissive and nonchalant about these real life issues concerning our fellow-man.

The choice is yours, choose to love those around you by keeping your heart soft towards others, always.

Habits of happy moms

Cassan Ferguson
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Habits of happy moms

A happy mom, what is that? What does it look like or feel like? As a mom I feel like I go between an array of emotions on a daily basis. Hello, parenting emotional rollercoaster of emotions! Most of the time, I feel happy, or think that I’m happy. But if I had to be honest with you, like most moms, I too have days, weeks or seasons where I feel like I am drowning in motherhood.

Debunking the perfect Mom myth

Thank goodness we live in an era where we have become more open to speaking about the “happy, not so happy, the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between when it comes to parenting”. As a means of keeping that honest open relatable dialogue flowing, and as a means of encouraging and empowering one another to keep going with our heads held high in the rollercoaster fun-filled adventure that is parenting.

I do not believe that there is such a thing as “The perfect-all together-always happy” mom, as much as we would love to believe in that thought, in reality here on planet earth there are only real moms, trying to do their best with what they have, and in the season of life that they find themselves in.

In order to remain semi sane, also known as ‘happy’, one needs to be aware of the following as a means of gently loving oneself whether it be mentally, emotionally or physically. Here are a few ways to feed and nurture your well-being, which will ultimately feed and flow into your every day. Hopefully, the following list of tips below will help you to feel refreshed and empowered as a mom who is ready to take on the world!

Habits of happy moms

1 . They know when to have fun – I fully believe and endorse the notion that us moms need to know when to have fun, and to retain our sense of humor. Often, I see or come across fellow moms who are miserable, who only focus on the bad and negative aspects of parenting because, truth be told, they have forgotten to live a little, and have forgotten to laugh. Joy and laughter is one of the best ways to stay refreshed, energized and it makes you feel good afterwards!

2 . They ask for help – Real moms know when to ask for help, perfect moms on the other hand struggle in silence. We are not machines, we have feelings and emotions and sometimes we get sick and are man down. Do not let pride stop you from asking for help, you will be surprised at how many willing hands there are around you.

3 . They make time for their friends – It’s hard to invest in ‘me time’ let alone ‘friend time’. But with a little planning, and diarizing it can be done. Book your friend or friends for monthly coffee catch up and let the conversation and giggles flow. Girl time is the best needed therapy for us moms.

4 . They choose their battles wisely – A wise mom will know when to go to war, or when to let those little not so important things go to the wayside. Repeat with me: YOU DO NOT NEED TO FIGHT YOUR CHILD ON EVERY LITTLE THING. If you do, you will probably end up losing your mind!

5 . They forgive quickly – Forgiveness keeps your heart light and free from any emotional bondage. Let any offense go and move forward in freedom and in joy!

6 . They invest in ‘Me time’ – Okay, as we mentioned earlier this is very hard for most moms to invest the time into, but it is so important to have moments where you can escape the crazy that is parenting and go where it’s quiet and just have those moments all to yourself!

7 . They sleep well – Again, another hard one to crack. There are seasons where children refuse to sleep altogether, or only sleep in your bed, whilst you sleep on the floor. But try to clock in at least 7-8 hours of decent sleep.

8 . They meal prep – Meal prep in our home is a winner. It saves us time, which means less stress and no last-minute rushing around.

9 . They take vitamins and stay active – Staying active and eating healthy will energize you, de-stress you and it will keep you fit and happy.

You don’t need to be the perfect robotic mom – just be you, by being the healthiest and happiest version of yourself!

Cultivating good fruit within our lives

Cassan Ferguson
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Cultivating good fruit within our lives

I grew understanding that you could always tell where you or others were at by the fruit that they were producing within their lives. Fruit being the things that flow out from our heart and defines our character. For example, being kind and generous; or being selfish and proud; being inclusive or exclusive; showing love or being jealous and insecure; showing grace or holding a grudge. Ultimately these character traits, or fruit produced within our lives can either testify that our hearts are healthy and flourishing, or that they have been neglected and are not being nurtured in the best way possible.

This in turn can negatively or positively effect those around us. Our loving positive attitude can influence and inspire others, whereas our negative selfish habits can break and push others away from us. Therefore, we need to always make sure that we are taking care of our heart, by being mindful of what we put into it, and how we nurture it. Everything flows from our heart, the good and the bad. Therefore, we need to sow the right things, in order to reap a harvest of great things in our lives.

In the Bible it talks about the fruit of the Spirit being the following :

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”  – Galatians 5:22-23

The fruit of the Holy Spirit does not come naturally to us, as we are human, flawed and sinful. Yet, with God and with His Holy Spirit it can nurture and grow the above fruit in our lives, not only for the purpose of blessing us, but also the lives of those we have the honor of encountering.

A closer look at the fruits of the Spirit

1. Love – Love gives freely without looking at whether the other person deserves it, and it gives without expecting anything back.

2. Joy – Unlike happiness, joy is gladness that is completely independent of the good or bad things that happen in the course of the day. In fact, joy denotes a supernatural gladness given by God’s Spirit that actually seems to show up best during hard times

3. Peace – During trying circumstances, God’s supernatural peace comforts us and keeps us feeling calm and confident that God is in control despite the chaos around us.

4. Patience – Being patient is never easy, especially when we are living in a very fast paced microwave era. We want everything to happen with a quick click of the finger. Yet, patience means showing grace, kindness, and love without rushing or demanding the process to be rushed.

5. Kindness – Kindness is also propelled by love. It’s gentle, thoughtful and it shows grace and mercy, which everyone needs.

6. Goodness – Goodness reflects the heart of God, as it chooses to see and believe in the best of others despite the odds and circumstance.

7. Self-control – Self-control is literally releasing our grip on the fleshly desires, choosing instead to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. It is power focused in the right place.

8. Faithfulness – This is someone who has unwavering integrity, and holds steadfast onto the promises of God. They will believe in the best in others, and in their circumstances despite what the world says.

9. Gentleness – Being gentle towards others is not a sign of weakness. It lovingly forgives, it gently corrects and encourages others, and it lives at peace with others.

If you are wanting to cultivate and nurture the above fruit of the Holy Spirit, then may I encourage you to ask God for His Holy Spirit to lovingly help and empower you to do so. It will not only change the way you do things, but it will positively impact and influence those around you.

Postnatal Depression

Cassan Ferguson
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Postnatal Depression

Many moms often experience postnatal depression after giving birth to their precious little miracles. Some women may even confuse it their PND for baby blues, but while having the baby blues passes within the first few days of having a baby, PND lingers on for a while. Often first time moms have no idea that they have PND, and often feel even worse due to not wanting to connect with their babies due to how they feel. However PND can be treated and supported, allowing for PND moms to feel more empowered and encouraged as they overcome postnatal depression.

Signs and symptons of PND

The signs and symptoms of PND are different for every mum. Your friends or family may spot the signs before you do, but you may feel:

  • sad or low
  • unable to enjoy anything
  • extremely tired, with no energy
  • hopeless
  • a sense of guilt
  • lacking in appetite
  • miserable
  • tearful
  • anxious

How to treat PND

1. Seek professional help – Even if that means sitting down with a professional, someone who is qualified to help with an action plan going forward. They encourage counseling, and some times taking safe medication that will treat PND.

2. Do not see yourself as a failure for needing help – If anything you are doing the best thing for you and for baby by going for help instead of suffering in silence.

3. Ask for help from family and friends – We always underestimate that our loved ones want to help us, therefore, in tough times we need to call on them.

4. Rest whenever you can – Follow your pace, and do not put pressure on yourself. Take each day as it comes, and show grace and kindness towards yourself.

5. Look for the good in every day – Make a mental note or write something down that stood out for you as a positive. This little practical action helps to encourage you to seek and note the good around us, as opposed to focusing only on the negative.

6. Speak openly and honestly with your partner – on how you are feeling as the days pass by.

7. Eat foods that both nourish and feed your central nervous system – which in turn affects your moods and emotions.

8. Get moving – even if that means taking a walk around the block with baby strapped onto your chest or in their pram. Soak up the sun and breathe in fresh air – it always does wonders for the soul.

Remember, you are not a failure because of postnatal depression, and you not a victim either. You are strong, and you will overcome it. Be gentle and kind with yourself, and trust in the process going forward. You are a wonderful mom!

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