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Donna Burke

Time management for moms (and dads)

Donna Burke
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Time management for moms (and dads)

Time. Don’t you wish you sometimes had just a little more of this valuable commodity? Most of us feel that we have more tasks to achieve than there are hours is a day. Taking care of our own responsibilities is one thing but the demand on our time is multiplied when we are a parent to one, two or more children. With all the balls there are to juggle there are times when it may feel like everything could come crashing down at any moment. Giving enough focus to all the things that are required of you can be challenging but there are ways to make life easier and help you keep your head above water.

Make a list

When there is a lot to do it can be overwhelming. Feeling like you have a mountain to climb every day just to function can be demoralising. Being able to see exactly what you need to achieve can help you see the task ahead and gives you something to work towards. Lists also help you avoid the panic that happens when you forget to do something vital. So, take a moment to sit down (with a coffee) and make a list of the things you have to do.

Prioritise

Yes you want to be able to ‘do it all’ but the truth is that sometimes you just have to let go of a few things in order to cope with the workload. You already have your list (or you should do!), now mark of the items that are urgent, the ones that are necessary and those that you can get around to at a later date. Breaking down the list and deciding what is most pressing can help you to gain perspective and also gives you a game plan as to where to begin with your to-do’s.

Delegate

You don’t have to be a superhero and manage everything single-handedly.   Recruit back up, call in the cavalry and delegate where you can. There is a well-used saying that tells us

‘It takes a village to raise a child’

but we tend to forget this and try to go it alone. You will be a better parent when you learn how much to keep on your own plate and when you should share the load. You will also be teaching your child how to ask for help and work alongside others if you actively demonstrate this in your own life.

Family first

With everything that you feel you need to do, it can be easy to lose sight of what is really important. Before everything remember your children. Don’t get so caught up in doing everything that you forget to be.   Sometimes it’s best to leave the housework, delay a social engagement, reschedule an appointment and instead read a story, do a puzzle or play a game. While many other things can normally wait, your child has a limited amount of time to be a child, so don’t miss it. There will be time for the other stuff, so make sure your family is getting enough of you before anything else.

Finding where you belong

Donna Burke
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Finding where you belong

Have you ever watched a duck going for a walk? It’s not the most elegant sight you will ever seen.  They waddle, are a little awkward and in some ways, look ridiculous.

The good news for ducks is that there is another environment to which they are much better suited.   While a duck on land is ungainly and clumsy looking, a duck in the water is at ease.  There is a grace and a fluidity of motion to a swimming duck that is so far removed from a running duck you could almost be forgiven if you forget that you are watching the same animal.

Odd one out

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place. 

No one likes to feel like they’re the odd one out.  It’s not fun being the square peg in the round hole.   Despite our great desire to fit in and to belong, very often we just feel out of place.  The reason for this disconnected feeling may not be overtly obvious.  On the surface your life may look together and pretty good, but from where you stand you feel like a duck running on dry land.

Like a duck to water

The Bible gives some insight into why, at times, we may feel out of place.  We are told that God created us and placed eternity in our hearts. This means that each of us have a God-given understanding that there is something more to what we are experiencing here on Earth.  Our time here is temporary and in our hearts we know this.  We were made to have a connection to God and without that, we are just like a misplaced duck. We walk clumsily and feel like we are out of step with ourselves.  It’s through a relationship with God that we are able to be at ease and find a sense of peace without striving to be something were haven’t been created to be.

If you would like to know more, please leave a comment below or click on the link.

 

 

Doing things on your own

Donna Burke
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Doing things on your own

Have you ever noticed that doing things alone is sometimes seen as being pitiable? If someone is eating lunch at a restaurant by themselves, you probably most likely to think ‘That’s sad! They’re on their own”. Society encourages a level of independence and yet when it comes to certain activities, especially out and about activities, doing them solo is thought of as odd.

They travel in packs

I love my own company. Give me a book, a quiet house and space to think and I’m a happy camper, but I have to admit that the idea of going travelling alone, choosing to book a table for one or attending a party solo is not my idea of fun. Maybe it’s a girl thing? After all we are notorious for even going to the bathroom in groups, but I think there is a desire to be with others that is universal. As human beings we are social animals. Community is fun. It’s generous and together feels more secure than striking out alone. There are times, however, when breaking rank is necessary, so it’s a good idea to learn to be comfortable with your own company, for when those occasions arise.

How to go it alone (and still be okay):

Don’t worry

Being by yourself can feel a little vulnerable but don’t be afraid. Often when you are forced to do something alone it can feel like everyone knows you’re by yourself and is somehow judging you. (Psychologists call this the spotlight effect) Don’t panic. Most people won’t even notice and if they do, what they think of you is their business not yours. Chin up, shoulders back and own your space.

Start small

If you’re used to doing everything with someone else, may be it’s not a good idea to book an around the world trip all by your lonesome. First up, try a solo shopping expedition or a single movie viewing. Yes it may feel a little strange at first but short and sweet bursts of doing things without anyone beside you will help you get used to, and eventually enjoy, the experience.

Grow

It can be easy to follow the crowd and leave the decision-making to others but when you’re on your own all the decisions and choices are yours to make. Use the opportunity to discover your own opinions, set your own schedule and learn about the world around you. It’s amazing what you can discover when you open your eyes and ears, not to your companions but to your surroundings.

Flying solo

Inevitably there are going to be times in life when you will need to do things by yourself. One day you may find yourself in a situation where you have to stand alone and make a choice that means you leave the crowd and have to walk your own path.   If you think about it, you come into this world alone and you will leave in much the same way. It’s hardly surprising then that the choice about what happens after you die is also a path that you must take alone. Jesus said that anyone who recognises their need of a saviour, and acknowledges that He is the only one who can save them, will be welcomed into an eternity with Him when their life on earth comes to an end. The choice is something that you must make alone. You can’t follow the crowd or piggyback on someone else’s decision. It’s your call.

If you would like to know about making a choice for Jesus please leave a comment or click on the link.

How to become good at something

Donna Burke
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How to become good at something

The ceramics teacher announced on opening day that he was dividing the class into two groups.

All those on the left side of the studio, he said, would be graded solely on the quantity of work they produced, all those on the right solely on its quality.

His procedure was simple: on the final day of class he would bring in his bathroom scales and weigh the work of the “quantity” group: 50 pounds of pots rated an “A”, 40 pounds a “B”, and so on.

Those being graded on “quality”, however, needed to produce only one pot — albeit a perfect one — to get an “A”.

Well, came grading time and a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity.

It seems that while the “quantity” group was busily churning out piles of work—and learning from their mistakes — the “quality” group had sat theorizing about perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay. – from Art and Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland

More than just talent

It’s very rare to find someone who is perfect from the word go. Becoming proficient or excellent takes practice, time, commitment and more determination than we sometimes realise. It would be amazing to be great from the beginning but even the ‘greats’ had to start somewhere. Natural gifting has a part to play but if you look at the dedication and focus even the most talented individuals put into their craft, you will see that gift will only take you so far.

Don’t fear mistakes

Being afraid to get something wrong, and consequently not trying, will rob you of any success or progress that you could have made if you’d just taken the leap. Ice-hockey legend, Wayne Gretzy, famously once said:

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

Choose your risks wisely but don’t allow the need to be perfect steal all your opportunities. Sometimes our mistakes can teach us more than our victories.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas A. Edison (Inventor of the electric lightbulb)

Everyone starts somewhere

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. – Lao Tzu

There is an endless list of celebrities, successful business people and public figures who have achieved great things from humble beginnings. Overnight success rarely happens overnight and there’s nothing wrong with starting small. Whether you’re trying something for the first time or getting your foot on the first rung of the ladder of your chosen career field, don’t discount small beginnings.

Don’t give up

If you haven’t yet reached the levels that you are dreaming of, remember you aren’t the finished product, just a work in progress.  Stick at it. Keep focussed on your goal and find quality results in high quantity production.  If you want to be a great writer. Write every day. Want to be a successful business person? Start a small business. Whatever it is, don’t allow slow progress or a few disappointments to steal your hope.  Keep going!

Learning to take criticism

Donna Burke
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Learning to take criticism

No one likes to have their weaknesses pointed out to them. Being criticised, whether it be by your friends and family, teachers or work colleagues is rarely fun, but the truth is that an individual who is able to listen to and digest critique from others, has the opportunity to use that information to fast-track their personal growth and development.

Take criticism seriously but not personally – Hillary Clinton

If you want to live a life without being criticised it’s best that you stay in bed and do nothing. People will always have opinions and the chances are that no matter how good your intentions or how great you are, somewhere along the way someone will point out a short-fall or failing on your part.

Two-sides of the coin

It’s worth stating that not all criticism is equal. There are two sides to coin and hopefully if you are on the receiving end you will be experiencing constructive criticism rather than destructive criticism.

The constructive criticism seeks to help you improve and grow and although it may not feel like it, is intended to help you in some way. On the other hand, destructive criticism is intended to destroy your confidence, tear you down and leave you worse off than before. It’s important to recognise the difference and not to confuse the two. Destructive criticism should be seen for what it is. Normally it’s thoughtless and aggressive and given with the intention to wound. Having said that if you are able to sift through the bitterness and anger, you may be able to learn from the analysis but bear in mind the source of the criticism and that the perspective may not be entirely without bias. Regardless of the purpose behind the words, how you deal with the assessment given to you is vital.

Try not to get emotional

Being told something that seems negative, whether it be about your character or your work can be painful but an emotional response won’t help. Getting upset or angry hinders your ability to listen and to accurately hear what is being said. A huge emotional blowout can also just create drama and end up being the only thing you take away with you.

Make sure you understand

When someone points out areas where you can improve it’s easy to hear things that aren’t being said or to misunderstand. If you can, calmly ask for clarity or for specific examples. The more information they can give you, the more constructive and helpful their assessment may prove to be.

See the criticism as an opportunity

Remember that this could be a chance for you to grow and develop. Try not to get defensive but instead keep in mind that there are benefits from receiving feedback especially if it can make you stronger in the long run.

Critique the critique

It’s a good idea to sift through the feedback and assess what is helpful, what is accurate and what you can do with the information you have been given. Not everything will be applicable, so keep the good stuff.

Take steps to put the advice to good use

Any criticism, if not acted upon is wasted. It would be terrible to go through the discomfort of receiving feedback and not to have some positive comeout from the experience. Take the things that you can build on and turn them into goals or action points that you can build into your life.

 

Recognising that we have weaknesses or failings is the first step towards getting stronger and moving forward. Everyone has areas they can improve upon and having someone point these out to you isn’t the end of the world but what you do about your weak spots makes all the difference.

The Bible tells us that we all have a weak spot and it keeps us from knowing God and His gift of eternal life. Just as with any constructive criticism, this isn’t fun to hear but the good news is that if we acknowledge our shortfall and turn to God we can have the relationship with our Creator that we were always purposed to have.

 

If you would like to know more or if this post has spoken to you, please leave a comment or click on the link.

Embracing boredom

Donna Burke
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Embracing boredom

I’m bored! These two simple words are the dread of most parents. For some reason this little phrase has the ability to simultaneously spur parents into action and create massive guilt. Parents can sometimes feel that they aren’t fulfilling their job if their offspring are bored or at a loose end and consequently fall over themselves to fix the problem. However, entertaining your child when boredom hits may not be the best thing you can do.

Endless activity

The pace of life is fast and furious. Even for children. There is very little empty space and the space that is there is normally filled with television, computer games and other screen based activities. Boredom normally hits when the structure of the daily chase is removed. This is why school holidays are normally filled with boring moments for kids and frustration for parents. Daily life has been so filled with ‘stuff’ that free time is unfamiliar territory. When you take away the busy demands of a fully scheduled day children honestly don’t know what to do with themselves.

Blessing in disguise

You could argue that having full, productive days are necessary and an efficient use of a life and to some extent that’s true. However, it’s good for a child to be given the opportunity to become bored and then learn how to overcome their boredom.   As children grow into adulthood their down-time becomes their responsibility. If they are so used to having every moment of their day structured by someone else, they will never learn to make their most of their time when they are able to choose their own activities. There are in fact, benefits to boredom:

Boredom requires that you look for alternatives.

Boredom is just another way of saying ‘I have nothing to do’. I once read a parenting book that suggested an easy fix for this complaint was to offer the bored individual an activity in the form of a household chore, for example, tidying their room or folding laundry. I’ve tried this a few times in my home and it’s amazing how quickly my kids can find something else to do when my alternative isn’t very appealing.

Boredom can make you more aware of your surroundings.

If you’re always busy it’s very easy to ignore or overlook your environment. Finding yourself with nothing very much to do gives you time to look about and take notice. You can become alive to new possibilities or opportunities that you would otherwise have missed. You may see problems or obstacles that weren’t apparent before.

Boredom can make you more creative.

When you have nothing to do you give your mind the freedom to explore avenues that may otherwise never occur to you. Using down-time to imagine possibilities or make up stories or solve problems allows you to think differently and become generally more creative.

Boredom has the ability to relieve stress.

There are people who can stress about anything and I’m sure having nothing to do may be stressful for some but generally speaking a lack of structure or constraint means no stress. Having no demands or structure is the ultimate environment in which to unwind and let go, it’s just a case of learning to embrace the space.

 

The World Economic Forum created a video addressing the issue of boredom in children and suggesting great parents let their kids be bored. The video ends with this quote:

 “Children need to sit in their own boredom for the world to become quiet enough that they can hear themselves” – Dr Vanessa Lapointe

So instead of racing to fix boredom, embrace it and allow the space and stillness to develop valuable skills within your child.

Protecting your marriage

Donna Burke
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Protecting your marriage

America Vice President Mike Pence has recently caused something of a stir over his commitment to never have a meal alone with any woman who isn’t his wife. Some have applauded his stance as honourable and the proper way to cherish his marriage, while others believe his actions are keeping women out of positions of power. Regardless of what anyone thinks of the method, at the centre of this debate you have a man who believes his marriage is worth protecting.

It’s common practice to protect the things that we consider valuable. Many people take out insurance on their most costly possessions. We keep things in safes, deposit money in the bank and lock our homes and cars to keep others out. When it comes to our relationships at times we take a much more relaxed, maybe ever careless, approach. Considering the value and benefits of a strong marriage, doesn’t it make sense to be intentional about protecting that relationship rather than hoping you’ll live happily ever after?

Here are a few ways to protect your marriage and keep your relationship strong:

Expect challenges

It may seem odd but realising that even the strongest relationships experience tough times, and that you will have your fair share of challenges, means that you are less likely to take your marriage for granted. Being aware that there are going to be season when you will need to be more intentional and more proactive about investing in your marriage means you’re less likely to be taken by surprise when difficult periods happen.

Make it a priority

There are many demands on our time on a daily basis. Work, hobbies, friendships, our dreams, even our children and while these all need attention don’t allow your marriage to always be at the bottom of the pack. Make sure your relationship with your spouse gets as much (if not more) of your focus. No one likes to always come in second place and your spouse deserves to be your number one priority.

Be each others ‘go to’ person

We all have things that we feel the need to share with others. Frustrations, fears, secrets and desires – but these things all tend to be very personal and close to our heart. Discussing these topics with someone creates an intimacy and closeness that, if that someone isn’t your spouse, can create problems for your marriage. Being able to share your heart with your husband or wife is a big part of building a strong and healthy relationship. So if you need a ‘go to’ person for your private emotions, make that person your spouse.

Remember how it all began

As time passes and responsibilities grow, it can be easy to forget all the wonderful things that brought you and your spouse together in the first place. Take time to remember and celebrate the things that you loved about each other when you first fell in love. Keep a focus on the qualities that attracted you to each other before anything else go in the way.

Give 100%

Couples often go into marriage believing that it’s a 50/50 relationship. Basically, if you both give your 50% everything will be okay. Unfortunatley, marriage isn’t about meeting each other half way. There are times that if you’re waiting for your spouse to do ‘their bit’ you will be waiting for a long time and probably getting bitter and angry in the process. A strong marriage partnership is where two people give 100% to their relationship, not keeping score or demanding payback but giving freely and unconditionally. No relationship can ever be healthy and strong if the people involved are holding something back.

 

Being married and building a strong relationship isn’t always rainbows and daisies. It takes time and requires work on occasions. However the benefits of honouring the commitment you made to your spouse and placing value on your marriage is worth the effort. God designed marriage to be a mutually beneficial partnership and the Bible tells us that what God has brought together no man can tear apart. If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, try placing it in the hands of the one who designed it.

If this post has spoken to you or you would like to contact us, please click on the link or leave a comment.

Keeping your kids safe on social media

Donna Burke
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Keeping your kids safe on social media

Raising children can be a stressful business. Do they feel loved? Are they eating enough? What time should they go to bed? Which school should they attend? How do I get them to listen and which method of discipline is the most effective, without scarring them for life? Every generation of parents have asked similar questions, but for this generation there is the added burden of how to navigate the pitfalls and snares of social media. While social media has many great uses it can be harmful and unsafe for adults and teens alike. It may feel like the easiest route is to avoid and ban the use of social media until your teens are in their 40’s but a more sensible and well-rounded response is to teach your kids how to enjoy and use these platforms in an appropriate and safe way.

Here are a few tips about using social media wisely:

Have an appropriate age limit:

It seems like everyone has a smart phone these days including young children but allowing kids access to social media just because they have the correct phone is reckless. Facebook has a minimum age restriction of 13 years of age. The content of the ads and posts by other uses backs up the need for this measure. Don’t feel the need to conform to the standard set by the platforms though. If you feel 13 is too young, so be it. Decide what age you feel is appropriate and stick to it.

Keep things in the open:

Yes teens need their privacy but social media is anything but private. It’s sensible to keep social media access limited to family computers that are in common areas rather than on PC’s or smartphones that used in bedrooms or isolated areas. Easier to keep an eye on what’s going on if everything is kept out in the open rather than behind closed doors.

Be friends:

If you decide that your kids are allowed to have a social media account make sure you follow them and are friends. This may mean setting up your own account on platforms that you would never normally consider using but you wouldn’t allow your child to go out without telling you where they are going to be so why shouldn’t you know where they are going online?

Set boundaries:

Boundaries are necessary in all areas of life and the Internet and social media are no exception. It’s wise to limit the amount of time spent online and also have some guidelines or rules that apply to social media usage. As with all rules, these need to be adhered too and carry some consequences if broken.

Get up to speed:

Technology can be confusing but if you are allowing your child to enter the online world it’s helpful for you to know a bit about privacy and security settings. Do a bit of research and make sure that the settings on your teens accounts are as they should be and keeping your child as secure as possible.

Keep communicating:

Communication is always the key. Talk about the dangers of social media and the possible consequences of unwise posts. Discuss cyber bullying and what is appropriate or inappropriate to share on social platforms. There are many potential ‘danger areas’ in social media and it’s important that your child is aware of these hazards. An open discussion rather than a parental lecture is the best way to address some of these issues but this isn’t a once off chat it needs to be an ongoing conversation.

 

The importance of perseverance

Donna Burke
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The importance of perseverance

Never, never, never give up – Winston Churchill

Perseverance, according to the dictionary, is the steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose or a state, especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles or discouragement.

Before I became a parent there were many things I thought I’d need. For starters, a good amount of patience, compassion and wisdom. Not to mention the ability to function on less that nine hours sleep. What I didn’t realise (in my uneducated and innocent days) is that parenting requires perseverance, and lots of it.

Not all plain sailing

There are times when bedtime in our house is a breeze. Everyone goes to bed without fuss and within a sensible space of time, all is quiet and the children are asleep. Success! On other occasions, things don’t run as smoothly. Some nights, after the usual routine of a story, prayers and a lullaby, in order for my children to finally go to sleep I have to go back to their room and remind them it’s bedtime, that they need to be quiet and try to sleep. Invariably on these occasions it takes more than a few reminders before everyone drops off.   While it can take some time before the desired outcome happens, if I give up and don’t persevere the goal of getting everyone to sleep takes much longer and might not be realised at all.

The thing that keeps me going back for one more reminder is that I know that if I keep persisting, eventually there will be a break through. I may not know how many times I need to go back but I know that sooner or later those eyes will close, the breathing will change and sleep will come. If I stop before that point however, I just end up back at square one and have to start all over again.

Keep on keeping on

Whatever resistance you face in your life, it’s important to persevere. Giving up before you achieve your goal will only leave you with regrets and wondering what might have been. The success that you’ve been dreaming of may be just around the corner but if you give up before you get there you’ll never know. Although it can be discouraging when things take longer than we expect them to, it takes a person of character to keep on going until they reach the prize.

If this post has spoken to you please leave a comment below or click on the link.

 

Things to remember when you’re facing tough times

Donna Burke
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Things to remember when you’re facing tough times

Tough times don’t last. Tough people do

Everyone faces tough times in life. It could be frustrations or disappointments that feel like they are holding you back. Maybe the tough times are to do with finances or the loss of a loved one. Difficult circumstances come in many shapes and forms and at times can feel like you’re walking through a storm with only a paper umbrella for protection. Regardless of the cause of your tough season there are a few things it’s worth considering as you face up to your personal challenges.

Change is inevitable

Life was never going to be one long picnic. Change happens and the things in life that seem to be all going in your favour may change with very little notice. One day you can be flying high and then next you may find yourself walking through a valley.  That’s just life. It may sound terribly negative but remember just as good seasons pass so do tough seasons. Change doesn’t have to be your enemy in hard times, in fact it could be your greatest asset.

Keep things in perspective

Difficult times can be overwhelming and it’s easy for the challenge to become the only thing that we see. Being able to take a step back from the problems and keep a balanced view of your difficulties can make them easier to endure and remind you even on the darkest of days, it isn’t all bad.

If you give up, you’ll stay put

Someone once said that if you feel like you’re going through hell then keep going. If you give up during tough seasons and lie down when things are tough, all you are doing is staying in the place where your biggest challenges are. Keep going. Keep moving forward and each step you take will take you beyond the difficulties and on to new season.

Choose strength

“When life is hard, don’t wish that it were easier, decide to be stronger”.

Many times we can’t choose our circumstances. Wishing that things were different or that tough periods would just end isn’t going to do you any good and will probably leave you feeling despondent and defeated. However, deciding to be stronger, more resilient and facing your situation with a determination to overcome it, will give you a sense of purpose and a goal to aim for.

You don’t have to walk alone

Tough times can be the loneliest place imaginable. Going through difficulties can be isolating and leave you feeling like no one really understands how you feel. The Bible tells us that even when we are at our lowest point, walking through the darkest and most fearful valley that God goes with us. It may feel like you are facing your giants alone but if you take your eyes off the challenges and look for Him, God is by your side.

 

If you are facing tough times and need to know that you’re not alone or would like to talk to someone, please click the link or leave a comment.

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