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Donna Burke

Choosing friends wisely

Donna Burke
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Choosing friends wisely

Friends are important. After all, it’s our relationships that help to mould and cement who we are and very often are our most valuable achievements in life. As with many things it’s easy to leave our closest connections to chance and hope, or pray, that the right kind of people cross our path and like us enough to be our friend, but this isn’t the wisest path to take.

There is a popular school of thought that states that you become like the five people you spend the most time with.   That can be a sobering thought. Without careful consideration and good boundaries you may well be giving people who don’t deserve it, and who are doing more harm than good, a great amount of influence over your life.

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33

Being careful about who you call your friend can make a huge difference in your life in so many ways. Here are a few things to consider if you want to pick your friends wisely.

Look for ‘more’ people

I’m not talking about the amount of people when I say ‘more’ people, although lots of friends may be nice. ‘More’ people are those who seem to be further along the road or higher up the ladder than the average. It could be someone who is more positive, more helpful, more caring or more creative (you get the idea). Look for those who are going to spur you on to be a more person yourself especially in areas where you want to grow.

Look for similar values

What are the things that are important to you and that you want to pursue in life? Choosing friends who don’t share your values is possibly a recipe for disaster. While diversity is a positive in most cases, when it comes to the people who you keep the closest, you need individuals who will encourage you, support you and at times keep you accountable especially in the area of the values you choose to live your life by.

Look for positive relationships

People who have other strong and healthy relationships will bring that health and strength into a relationship with you.   Someone who is unreliable or disloyal in their current friendships isn’t going to suddenly exhibit those characteristics when they become your BFF.

Look for common interests

Friends don’t need to be identical or have everything in common in order for the relationship to work but little common ground gives you something to connect over. You may both love a specific sport, hobby or pastime. Whatever it is, these are things that make friendships fun and give you something to enjoy as friends.

Look for give and take

Being able to be a great friend is just as important as having a great friend. While you want a friend you can be proud of and who will add to your life, you also need to know that you are that friend to someone else. All relationships are a two way street and the give and take between two friends a vital part of having a healthy and meaningful relationship that benefits both parties.

How to be a better friend

Donna Burke
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How to be a better friend

A good friend is a real treasure. Of all the things in life that contribute to our existence it’s our relationships that seem to make everything else worthwhile. Great friendships keep us going and add happiness to our lives. It can be easy to underestimate the value of friendship but there is no better way to lose even the closest friend if you begin taking that relationship for granted.

As with all healthy relationships, great friendships need to be nurtured and invested in. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “The only way to have a friend is to be one”, so here are a few things that you can do to be the best kind of friend to the people closest to you.

Listen up

There are times for chatting and using all your words but there are also times when listening, and allowing your friend to speak their heart, is the call of the day. Yes you have a story to share or some news to impart but if your friend needs to off load or even just be heard the best kind of friend will know that it’s not their turn to speak.

Be there

It may not always be possible to be in the exact location that your friend is in, but when they need you, be there – even if ‘there’ is at the other end of the telephone. Making sure that you are always available for your friend, whether the need is happy or sad, is a fundamental part of a strong friendship.

Tell the truth (but be kind)

Honesty is a cornerstone to any relationship. Lies only create an environment of distrust and instability so being able to tell the truth is important. But the truth can sometimes be hard to hear so remember to be kind and choose your words wisely. Even the hardest truth can be communicated with love.

Make things better

Even when life is good, a friend can come along and add fun, sparkle and happiness. Don’t wait for a problem to arise, do something that will make your friend happy or encourage them or remind them how good it is to have a friend who thinks about them and cares.

Support, support, support

Whether the need is for a cheerleader to encourage, a loyal defender to protect or a stretcher-bearer to carry them when they don’t have enough strength to walk themselves, a good friend will be supportive in anyway necessary.

The Bible tells us that a man who has friends must be friendly and it’s important to remember that friendships are a two-way street. The best way to find the kind of friendship that you want is to be that friend to someone else. Being a truly wonderful friend to someone is worth the investment and will not only benefit them but will make your life richer too.

What do you think are the characteristics of a true friend?

Under pressure

Donna Burke
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Under pressure

It’s an unusual person who can make it through life without feeling some kind of pressure. Regardless of your job, relationship status, situation in life or financial standing there are always things that will cause stress and strain to some degree. I wrote previously about learning how to find ways to avoid stress but some form of strain is inevitable and sometimes not a completely negative experience.

“On the difficult days, when the world’s on your shoulders, remember that diamonds are made under the weight of mountains” – Beau Taplin

The truth is that stress can at times be the exact ingredient needed to pull out the best in you.   Have you ever seen a sports team who’s trailing on the score board and at risk of losing, dig deep and use the pressure of the moment to turn their loss into a victory? Maybe you’ve found yourself in a situation where you have a deadline rushing towards you and in order to meet it, you produce your best work ever. Those are the moments that make you realise that pressure isn’t always all bad. There are benefits to be found in stressful situations:

Increased creativity

Some of the best ideas and creativity can surface as a response to a stressful situation. They do say that necessity is the mother of all invention, how much more necessary is a solution when the problem is weighing more heavily upon you?

Motivating

It’s amazing what you can get done when you feel under pressure. Stress produces a level of urgency that can be harnessed to help you reach your goals faster than if you are relaxed and at ease.

Forces focus

If something is causing you worry chances are that you will be less easily distracted until you have dealt with that particular problem. Stress and pressure can help you to channel all your energy towards the issue at hand and leave less pressing problems to be dealt with later.

Reveals untapped potential

Pressure can cause you to dig deep and unlock gifts and talents that you may never have realised under calmer circumstances. Similar to an Olympic athlete who pulls out their personal best on their last jump and by doing so claims the gold, stressful scenarios may well cause you to surprise others and yourself with your ability to produce.

While feeling the pressure and taking strain in life isn’t all bad, especially if you face it well and remember it can produce good result, there are times when stress and worry can be overwhelming. In those moments when the pressure becomes too much and threaten to consume you it helps if you are not facing the challenges alone.

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.” – 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

No matter what you are facing, whether you are coping well or feeling out of your depth, God has promised to never leave you alone or let you be crushed.

The perils of pushy parenting

Donna Burke
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The perils of pushy parenting

Being a kid can be really tough. On one hand you’re supposed to be learning pretty much everything that you will ever need to know about facing the world as a grown up and becoming, if at all possible, successful. Then, on the other hand, you’re meant to be having fun, playing, enjoying your days and being, well, just a kid. Talk about a conflict of interests! While childhood is most certainly a hard road for children to navigate, it’s no stroll in the park for parents either. Finding that sweet spot between encouraging your child to be all they can be and being a raving loony who is pushing them to be the next gold-medal, Oscar-winning, Grammy awarded, nobel peace prize, bill gates type is sometimes harder than you would imagine.

Be No. 1

It stands to reason that any parent wants their child to do well in life. Seeing someone you love achieving something and excelling is one of life’s great pleasures. Parents want their children to succeed but it is possible to go too far and let the desire for your child to be above average becomes something less than pretty. I wrote a post recently about living vicariously. Many people live through the experience of others via social media but it is possible for parents to see their children, either consciously or subconsciously, as a way to achieve things that they maybe weren’t able to themselves.   A recent article in The Telegraph explained how parents were pushing their children to achieve well academically for the sake of awards and recognition but missing the whole point of learning and receiving an education that would last beyond the trophies.

At what cost?

The problem with pushy parenting is that it very often achieves the opposite of the desired results. Instead of enabling your child to excel and become outstanding, you run the risk of producing an anxious, unkind individual who battles with low self-esteem. A study conducted by Arizona State University also found that if parents seemingly value achievement over social skills and kindness, then the child is more like to be depressed. So while it’s important to encourage and support your child it is worthwhile remembering that you can have too much of a good thing.

Supporting role not the star act

Encouragement and guidance are part of the parental job description. Helping your child to find out what they are good at and what they love is one of the perks of the job. Not every child has dreams of changing the world or being the greatest and that’s okay but they still need to know that their mom and dad believes in them and thinks they’re great. However, if your child wants to achieve big then it’s your privilege to help them to reach for the stars but let them lead the charge.

Is it time for a detox?

Donna Burke
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Is it time for a detox?

Have you ever felt like you’re living life as usual, following the same routines and schedules, connecting with the same people and doing what you always do, but it just seems like hard work? Something isn’t quite right? Almost as though you’re not firing on all cylinders but you are not sure what’s different? If you can relate to ever having felt this way, can I suggest to you that maybe what’s needed is a detox.

Say what?

If you’re not familiar with the term, a detox is:

A process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances.

It’s basically about getting rid of all the things that are bad for you. Kind of like an internal spring clean. In many cases a detox is all about the food and drink we consume but there are times in life when it’s a good idea to detox in other areas.

Last year 1Africa published a piece about toxic friendships. It may not be something you’ve ever considered but there are things (other than food and drink) that we allow into our lives that are in some way toxic and unhealthy. Whether the toxic items are unhealthy relationships, circumstances or attitudes, they have just as much ability to drain our energy, make us sluggish and stunt our growth as the worst diet imaginable.

How’s your health?

If something is healthy then it will be fruitful and grow. That being the case, then conversely, something that isn’t producing a good end product is probably not healthy. The bible talks about branches that don’t bear fruit and says that they should be cut off and thrown away.   It’s basically saying that the things in your life that aren’t adding to you and producing good things shouldn’t be left to use up energy, space and resource. For the sake of the health and future growth of ‘the plant’ (that’s you!) fruitless branches must be removed.

It has to be said that doing a detox isn’t always easy. Anyone who’s ever detoxed and experienced withdrawal from things like caffeine will tell you that you feel worse before you feel better, and removing deep-seated attitudes and unhealthy relationships from your life may not be a comfortable experience either. The benefits however, will outweigh the sacrifice in the long run.

God wants you to be fruitful. He wants your life to be healthy and producing good results that benefit you and those around you. So look at your life. Where are you fruitful? Which relationships are encouraging you, challenging you and bringing out the best parts of who you are? Which relationships are draining your energy, taking up time and giving you very little back in return and causing more pain and frustration than they should? What about your attitudes and beliefs? Sometimes the most toxic things in our lives can be our own thoughts. Are you self-centred and only concerned about your own rights? Are you negative? Maybe you are stubborn or always finding fault in yourself or others. What kind of fruit are those mind sets producing in your life?

If you would like to know how you can begin to make changes in your life or would like to know more about how you can be fruitful please click the link below.

The power of a hug

Donna Burke
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The power of a hug

A video popped up on my Facebook feed this week that told me that women should be hugged once a day for their health.  While I’m not an overly touchy-feely person, I’ll be the first to admit that a good hug should never be underestimated or taken for granted. Physical touch is a necessary and vital part of life and can contribute greatly towards an individual’s sense of wellbeing. Whether you classify yourself as a hugger or not, here are a few reason why you should embrace physical touch.

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” – Virginia Satir

It makes you feel connected

We live in an increasingly virtual age. Many of our relationships function via Whatsapp, email and social media. While this form of connection has its benefits, you can still feel incredibly alone if all your interactions take place online. Touch plays an important part of communicating feelings and building non-sexual intimacy between people. A hug can speak of solidarity, of wanting to provide comfort or can just be a way of saying ‘I’m here’.  There are occasions when emotions may be hard to express in words  but a hug can say everything that is required.

Sense of security

My daughter tells me that when she hugs me she feels safe. If I’m worried about something, hugging my husband may not solve my problem but it definitely makes me feel better. Studies have shown that hugging can reduce blood pressure, slow the heart rate and have an overall calming effect. Physical touch also reminds us that we’re not alone and that someone cares.

Good for your health

Medical experts tell us that hugs release a chemical called Oxytocin, also known as the bonding hormone. In some circles it is thought that oxytocin is one of the reasons hugs are good for reducing stress. Higher levels of this hormone are also associated with a lower risk of heart problems and stroke cases. Hugs also are credited for stimulating the thymus glad which regulates the production of white blood cells, who’s job it is to keep you healthy and fight off diseases. And let’s face it, when you have a cold or feel unwell, a hug can make all the difference.

Feels wonderful

Whether you are the hugger or the huggee, a hug feels great.   They make you feel warm and fuzzy which is always a good thing. They encourage us to trust others and build stronger bonds. Hugs release feel-good hormones like serotonin that make you happier and can boost your self-confidence.  They are also associated with celebrating or a way of congratulating. Have you ever noticed how after a footballer scores a goal, how many of his team mates run after him for a hug? Hugs are joyous things and should be shared.

We often think that to fix our problems and make ourselves feel better we need a complex solution or hard to find answer, but sometimes all we need is something simple, like a hug.

Live ready

Donna Burke
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Live ready

Potential is a wonderful thing. Knowing that there is the possibility of being more can be truly empowering and give you the strength needed to push on. Understanding that you have the capacity to achieve something bigger or become something greater can sometimes be all the inspiration you need to transform your life completely. There’s one problem with potential though. Potential can easily be wasted.

Promising start

To make use of potential you need to develop and grow. You can have all the possibility in the world but unless you change in some way, your potential means nothing. It’s an empty promise of what could have been. A missed opportunity. To really take advantage of the potential that you possess you have to live ready for the moment when you can start to use it.

Ready, steady!

“We don’t live according to our potential. We live according to our preparation” – Steven Furtick

There are times in life when you may feel as though you are hidden and your potential isn’t realised. These moments can be difficult because you wonder if you’re ever going to achieve the things that you believe you are capable of. In these seasons you may feel as though all you can do is wait, but you would be wrong. These unseen and potential stages are all about preparation. Getting your self ready for when the opportunity to fulfil all that God-given potential presents itself.

Dig deep

Look at it this way, inside a seed is all the promise of a new plant, fruit and life. Whether the seed is in a packet on the shelf or buried beneath the soil it still contains the same potential. The difference is that a seed that has been planted may be invisible but it is positioned and prepared for the next season. It’s ready to grow. It is in the right place and submitted to the right conditions to enable it to fulfil all that potential it has inside. The seed in the packet, however, will only ever be a seed.

Your potential is a gift and the promise inside of you is endless but unless you prepare and are ready to grow, your potential will only ever be potential. So instead of putting off your dreams until the opportunity arises, begin getting ready now. Live as though at any moment that door will open onto the next season of your life and be ready to grab your chance when it comes.

You are it!

Donna Burke
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You are it!

Have you ever read a news story or seen something on the television that makes you stop and say

“That’s terrible! Why doesn’t somebody do something about that?”

Our world is a wonderful place but let’s be honest, it has a more than a few issues. Every day it’s possible to be confronted by stories of abuse, neglect, tragedy and sorrow. People all around the world are suffering and facing unbelievable circumstances and it’s easy to complain and blame ‘them’ (whoever they are) for not doing more. The most common reaction is

“Why does God let things like this happen?”

As valid as these responses may be, they all have one flaw. They are looking outward when the solution is much closer to home.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. – Lily Tomlin

We often look to our leaders and governments to provide answers to the crises that arise. Yes, those in power should be concerned about these issues and actively looking for ways to correct the problems but since when are you and I incapable of making a contribution to better this world? If there is a need that requires an individual to meet it, maybe, just maybe, you are that individual.

We should all do something to right the wrongs that we see and not just complain about them – Jackie Kennedy

We like to ask “where is God?” in troubled times but the bible often says that we should be helping those in need and reaching out to the broken-hearted. The refugee, the widow and the orphan are all people who we are reminded to care for. God has given each of us a mandate to show love and compassion to those who need it the most.   Most of the problems and hurt in this world would look very different if, instead of just complaining about them, everyone who saw the need, got their hands dirty in an effort to make it better.   Instead of wondering why no one has come up with a solution, remind yourself that there is a solution and you are it!

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. – Edmund Burke

It is true that we can’t fix everything and it’s possible to become overwhelmed by the enormity of the challenges but turning a blind eye to injustice and suffering is as bad as causing the problem in the first place. If you see the problem, don’t complain that there isn’t a solution because guess what! You’re it! If you know of someone in your world who is in need, don’t get angry when no one lends a hand, because guess what! YOU’RE IT!!! Whether you realise it or not, you are positioned by God to show love and kindness on his behalf to those around you. It’s time to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty because even if no one else is doing the job, YOU’RE IT!!!

Stop living vicariously

Donna Burke
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Stop living vicariously

We are living in interesting times. You’ve probably noticed that already but just in case you’re not sure, let me explain what I’m talking about. When I was a pre-teen the closest thing we got to reality television was the evening news. Today, reality tv is big business. So big in fact that regular folk, just like you and me are creating their own versions and broadcasting weekly to audiences that number in their millions.

Not the only ones

I’m mama to four wonderful children. While we try to limit the amount of time in front of the television, I’m not against letting my kids choose their own show and being entertained by a programme on the tv. You would think that given the option they would choose a cartoon about superheros or talking ponies or pink pigs who jump in muddy puddles but you would be wrong. My children’s favourite thing to watch is a YouTube channel of a little girl, in a different country, opening toys and eating sweets. Most of the stuff featured on her channel we can’t even get in our homeland.  What’s even more amazing is that this channel on YouTube recently hit 4 million subscribers. This isn’t a celebrity. This isn’t a sports person. It’s not a singer or a musician. It’s a preteen, doing reviews of chocolate and toys, that’s it!

Why do, when you can watch?

“Television allows us to be entertained in our living room by people we would never permit to set foot in our home.” Erma Bombeck

While I don’t get the attraction of this particular show, I can’t pretend that I haven’t noticed people older than my children also have a tendency to be drawn to watching other people doing things – ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ anyone? It’s interesting and even entertaining to watch people living out scenarios that are different from your own reality. Whether it be toys, money or romances that you don’t have in your own life we like to see how ‘the other half’ live. It doesn’t stop with television or YouTube though, the same can be said of instragram, Facebook or any other social media that let’s you ogle someone else’s life without having to leave your own home. The problem is that if all we ever do is watch and ‘experience’ someone else living, we have no opportunity of experiencing life for ourselves.

Make it happen

Let’s face it a life spent in front of the television (or any other screen) enjoying the experiences of others is only fulfilling to a point. So instead of living vicariously through someone else’s reality, how about creating and living a life that you wouldn’t want to trade?   Here’s a few ideas how you can achieve just that:

Get inspired!

If you’ve been a reality tv junky, put all those hours of watching to good use as inspiration for your own day-to-day. Maybe you’re into food shows, take a cookery course. If you love travel blogs, start planning an adventure to somewhere you’ve longed to go. Look at what you are drawn to and find a way to integrate that thing into your life.

Take a break

I love social media as much as the next girl but you can get too much of a good thing. Sometimes taking a break, switching off and deleting the app is the only way that you will force yourself to look around and take stock of your own reality. It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself, your relationships and your life in general when you stop engaging with someone else’s story and simply engage with your own.

Make a list

You’ve heard of a bucket list right? A list of things you want to achieve before you kick the bucket (that’s a nice way of saying die, in case you didn’t know). Taking time to sit down and write out all the things that you would like to achieve is the best way to begin the process of making them happen. Think BIG. Be creative. Yes, you may never achieve every single item on the list but by just physically writing them down and putting them out there, you are one step closer to bringing them into reality.

Life is a gift

There is a verse in the bible that reminds us that if we, as imperfect human beings, know how to give good things to our children, how much more does a perfect and loving God know how to give great and wonderful gifts to us? Life may not always look the way we would like it to but there is always a reason to be thankful and each day we have an opportunity to make the most of the day we have been given. Don’t waste your time and live with the regret in years to come.  The best way to start living the kind of life that you were created to live is to include the Creator, God.

If you would like to know more about living a full and vibrant life, please leave a comment or click the link below.

Don’t stay hidden

Donna Burke
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Don’t stay hidden

If It’s Oscars month and the eyes of every movie fan will be eagerly watching to see who takes home the coveted award in each category. We’ve come to expect that one of the most highly anticipated groups each year is the collection of movies that are nominated for Best picture. This year is no exception. Those recognised by the academy include the picture ‘Hidden Figures’. The movie tells the story of three African-American women working at NASA during the 1960’s and the roll they played in getting the first American Astronaut into space. ‘Hidden Figures’ took home the Outstanding Motion Picture award at this years’ NAACP (National Association from the Advancement of Coloured People) and actress Octavia Spencer has received a number of nominations for her supporting role in this picture.

Beyond all the award buzz and hype, Hidden Figures is a wonderful film and a truly inspirational tale. It’s the story of how overlooked and underestimated individuals went beyond what was expected of them. The three women in this story knew what they were capable of and didn’t allow themselves to be limited by the job description that they were given. Despite the fact that these events happened in the 1960s there is a lot that we can learn from these women especially when it comes to being seen for who and what we truly are.

Set your own bar

It may not feel nice but sometimes abiding by the restrictions others place on you is easier than rising above. Maybe you’ve been told that you’re not clever enough to do that job or you’re not strong enough to fight that battle. Perhaps you aren’t ‘the right person’ to do something you’re passion about or people ‘like you’ aren’t given the opportunities you dream of. It’s not always easy for others to see the value that we have inside, especially if they are blinded by their own perceptions or prejudice. Therefore, it’s those times when we need to set our own standards and not just live according to someone else’s expectations. Reach for what you know is in your heart. Set your own goals and look for ways to go beyond your current position.

Put your hand up

If you only ever do what you are asked to do you will blend into the furniture and remain largely unnoticed. To be seen you need to raise your hand. Ask for more challenges. Be available to take on more responsibilities. If no one else wants to do it be the first in line. Sitting on your hands will only keep you hidden but stepping out and creating your next step lets you be seen on your terms.

Know who you are

If you are unsure of who you are, then no one else is going to be able to appreciate the uniqueness that is you. Discover your passions, know your strengths and be certain about your values. When you know who you are you are much better equipped to show others the real you as opposed to letting them create their own picture of you in their heads.

God created you to be useful, to be valued and to be seen. Who and what you are is precious and should be appreciated but if you hide all that you are capable of, however, you are unlikely to fulfil the potential that God placed within you.

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