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Christmas on a budget

Donna Burke
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Christmas on a budget

Christmas is a matter of mere weeks away. It’s a wonderful, joyous time of year and should be celebrated with enthusiasm. Note I said enthusiasm and not extravagance! Yes we like gifts and nice food and new things and lots of everything but to be honest how many of us can really afford to splash out and recklessly spend without consideration? As many a parent has said “Money doesn’t grow on trees”. The good news is that just because you’re being sensible with your spending that doesn’t mean that Christmas needs to be any less festive.

We’re a family of six. I’d love to tell you that we have more than enough but that wouldn’t be completely accurate. We do okay but Christmas doesn’t exactly fit comfortably into our daily budget. It takes planning. Fortunately I love all things planning and lists and have come up with a few creative ways to have a magical family Christmas without putting too much strain on the family finances.

Know your limit

Figure out exactly how much you have to spend. Knowing your boundaries financially speaking helps you to control your outgoings and shows you where you need to stretch or be a bit more creative.

Make a list

Lists aren’t just for Santa. Make a list of who and what you need (or want to spend on) include extras like foodstuffs you wouldn’t normally eat (can anyone say turkey). Try and be as detailed as possible so you don’t get a surprise if you’ve forgotten something.

Plan ahead

This could be difficult this year (considering it’s nearly December already) but spreading your spending over the course of a year or six months can help ease some of the strain. Look for items in sales, stock up on non-perishable items before December rolls around.

Do it your self

Rather than splashing out on decorations or shop bought cards, get creative and make them yourself. Enlist your children and make snowflakes or paper chains. If you are planning to give presents to extended family or friends, consider baking something yummy.

Make for memories

Gifts are great but chances are most people will forget the majority of the presents they receive over the years. What will stay with them longer are memories of things done together and fun times. Go to a carol service, stay up late watching a movie and eating popcorn. Roast marshmallow and lie outside looking at the stars. It doesn’t need to be expensive because giving your loved ones time and attention is much more valuable in the long run.

Get practical

Think about those who you want to give something to this Christmas. Rather than giving something that you can put in a box, is there something that you can do for them as a gift? May be you can give a few evenings of babysitting, wash a car, help with homework or jobs?

Less is more

I once heard a fellow mom say that if getting three gifts was good enough for Jesus then it was good enough for her kids too. Piles of gifts don’t make for a better Christmas. Giving your children something thoughtful and at times needed makes much more sense than spending money unnecessarily on things that will end up in the back of a cupboard after a few weeks. Maybe consider using the ‘Four gift rule’

  • Something they want
  • Something they need
  • Something to wear
  • Something to read

The most important thing to remember about the Christmas season is that it’s really not about the stuff. The centre of the celebration is Jesus and the fact that he was born so that we could have a way to know God. The joy of Christmas comes from keeping Jesus, the most incredible gift ever given, at the heart of season.

How to cope when one parent travels

Donna Burke
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How to cope when one parent travels

The world is much smaller than it used to be. It’s much easier to jump on an aeroplane or take a train to who knows where and arrive before you know it. Global markets and trade deals also mean that companies do business across boarders and oceans and consequently employees travel. I am married to a travelling employee. I was, and still am, a daughter to a travelling employee. So when it comes to having a parent who travels I know the drill from the child and the parent’s point of view.

Solo parenting is a tough job. I take my hat off to parents who raise their family and face their challenges alone fulltime. Having a parent who is absent occasionally brings a whole unique batch of challenges, some of which are unexpected. It helps to have a game plan and so here are a few things I’ve learnt (and some I asked my mom about) which may help you too.

Ready, set, GO!

Approach travel as a team

Before one of you even gets on a plane for the first time, you both, as a couple needs to be in agreement. Travelling can put an awful lot of additional pressure on relationships and family life and if you’re not both 100% on board then you have a recipe for disaster. Be clear on the motivation behind the need to travel. It’s one thing to travel as a way to provide for your family, it’s another thing entirely if is as a way to avoid family responsibilities.

Be positive

Even if you’re not looking forward to being alone for a period of time, don’t be tempted to complain about this in front of your children. By all means say you will miss your spouse but keep any fears or grumbling to yourself. Your children may experience enough anxiety or anger without you adding to it.

Keep things simple

Whatever your usual at home routine is, stick to it. Don’t try and add extra activities or tasks to your list that will compromise your ability to keep the ‘normal’ happening well. You may find your children become a bit more needful of attention or even less obedient when one of you is travelling. Keeping things simple means you can give attention where necessary and negotiate any emotional moments.

Make it fun

When it’s just you and children, find (easy) things that you can all enjoy. Have a movie night, with popcorn. Sit and read a book of their choice together. Make their favourite meals for dinner.

Don’t worry too much about phone calls

It may sound strange but a phone call home isn’t always helpful. My kids have got really upset talking to their dad while he’s on a trip, which made things harder on everyone. If your children are happy, don’t worry about keeping the phone calls, or Skype chats until after they’re in bed.

Celebrate the reunion

Do something fun together when the trip is over.  Make a special meal. Put time aside to catch up on the things that have happen while you’re apart. Make a big deal over how well everyone has done coping with the change in situation.  It might be nice if the returning parent bring something from their trip. It doesn’t need to be much, even a bottle of shampoo from the hotel or foreign coin can be a fun memento.

Be prepared for the return

As much as everyone is looking forward to being under the same roof again, when the traveller returns it can sometimes take a while for things to get back to business as usual. Just as you and your children had to adjust to being alone there may well be an adjustment to be made to reincorporate your spouse back into your daily routine.

Balancing work and family life can be challenging at times but remember that you are all on the same team.  Also  be mindful that in difficult seasons God is there to be your source and your guide.  He can equip you with the skills and patience needed to navigate the most demanding circumstances.

Why we don’t keep secrets

Donna Burke
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Why we don’t keep secrets

Every household is unique. How your home functions, is determined by your family’s preferences, personalities and your culture. Rules and ways of doing things in your home are influenced by these factors. If you do something differently to your neighbour it doesn’t make you right and them wrong, it’s about your personal choice. There is one rule however that many parents are now choosing to employ when raising their children and it’s something well worth considering for your household as well.

Ssshhhh!

Like many moms I care about what my children eat. It’s important to me that they eat well, enjoy a balanced diet and understand that too many sweets and sugary things are bad for them. I consider it part of my role as mom to limit their sugar intake until they are old enough to be responsible. So while occasional sweets are okay, there are times when we will say ‘no thank you’. Not everyone understands this and there have been occasions when I’ve said ‘no’ that someone has snuck a sneaky sweet into my children’s hands while whispering “Sshhh! Don’t tell Mommy. It’s a secret!”

In our family we don’t keep secrets. Scenarios like I’ve described really make me angry. For starters, when I’ve said ‘no’ that should be enough. It’s disrespectful for someone to disregard my wishes and encourage my children to be disobedient. Be that as it may that’s not why we chose to have a no secrets rule.

The problem is real

It’s not an easy topic to address but sexual abuse of children is a very real problem. According to a 2014 article in the International Business Times of the five countries with the highest recorded rate of child sexual abuse, two (South Africa and Zimbabwe) were in Africa. The sad truth is that on many occasions children are abused, not by a stranger, but by someone who is known to them and keeping secrets very often prolongs the abuse.

It’s for this reason we’ve decided to teach our kids that we don’t do secrets in our house. We’ve explained that there isn’t anything that they can’t tell us or talk to us about and that if someone asks them to keep a secret they need to check with mom or dad. As it turns out, my husband and I aren’t alone in this conviction. By doing a quick search online you can find numerous articles all embracing a similar approach to parenting.

Don’t be afraid

The figures surrounding sexual abuse scare me, not just as a parent but also as a human being. Children should be allowed to grow up in safe and secure environments, without the threat of abuse or attack. It’s easy to become fearful and anxious when you read how unsafe the world can be and the responsibility of protecting your child can at times feel overwhelming. My daily prayer is that where I fall short in my ability to shelter my kids from harm and equip them to face the world without me, that God would fill in the gaps and do what I can’t.

Learning not to stress

Donna Burke
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Learning not to stress

Stress.

It’s a common complaint that affects most, if not all of us from time to time. Whether the cause is family responsibility, study deadlines, work challenges, financial woes or relationship issues makes very little difference, the result is still the same, an overwhelmed, tense and severally stressed out you!

According to the Oxford dictionary stress is:

Pressure or tension exerted on a material object.
A state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.

The simple act of making it through the day can be both adverse and demanding so it’s hardly surprising that ‘being stressed’ is such a familiar state for many. Having said that, just because something is ‘normal’ doesn’t mean that it should be viewed as acceptable.

Change the status quo

Stress isn’t fun. It can affect our physical and emotional health and modify our behaviour.   According to the Mayo clinic, the following are all common symptoms of stress:

  • Headaches
  • Muscle tension
  • Chest pain
  • Fatigue
  • Stomach upset
  • Sleep problems
  • Anxiety
  • Lack of motivation
  • Sadness
  • Irritability
  • Overeating or under eating
  • Substance abuse
  • Social withdrawal
  • Emotional outbursts

With such a depressing list of symptoms, it’s surprising that often, when we feel stressed, we simply accept our situation. It would make much more sense to actively look for ways to change our circumstances and reduce or eradicate the cause of the tension.

Where there’s a will there’s a way

Like everything, stress always has a cause or an origin. Even if you can’t completely remove the root of your stress, there may be ways that you can adapt your response to the pressure and find healthy ways to manage or relieve some of the strain. Here are a few things that you can do to deal with stress in your life:

  1. Simplify – Take time out to look at what it is that is causing stress in your life. It’s easy to over-commit and spread yourself too thinly which invariable leads to unnecessary pressure. Cut back on the things that are causing stress where you can. Alternatively simply removing distractions can help you focus on those areas that can become stressful when you have too many other things going on.
  2. Do something you really love – One of the first things that suffers when we get stressed is our joy. Fight against that by doing something that makes you happy. It could be listening to music, dancing, going for a run, baking, really anything as long as you do it because you love it, not because you have too.
  3. Look after yourself – Stress can affect your sleep, your eating habits and your general health. Make sure you are getting the rest you need, eating things that will keep you healthy and make time in the day to just take a break. Sometimes the simplest things can have the biggest impact and when you’re keeping yourself physically strong you are more able to deal with the challenges you are facing.
  4. Share the load – Carrying a burden alone is only going to add to your stress. Finding people who you can look to for support. They may not necessarily help out practically but having people who you can talk to or who can encourage you can relieve some of the anxiety.

Living with the burden of stress can feel like you’re living a sort of half-life. You can spend more time worrying about things in your life, than actually living it! That’s no way to live. The bible tells us that we should take our fears, stresses and troubles to God rather than be anxious.  Finding peace in stressful situations is about remembering what really matters and that you are never alone during hard times.

If you would like to know about the kind of peace that God gives, please leave a comment or click the link below.

 

 

 

Go on! Laugh a little

Donna Burke
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Go on! Laugh a little

Life is a pretty serious business. We start out needing to learn a lot of things in a really short space of time. Things like walking, talking and the like. Then we go and get an education, which we need if we want to get on in life. After that we work so that we can live and so it goes. On the face of it, everything is serious, so is there really a place for laughter?

A glad heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22

Stay young at heart

You may have heard that children laugh much more each day than adults do. The accuracy of the exact amount of times either group laughs is up for debate, but if you’ve spent any time around little (and not so little) kids you will know that more often than not they find something to laugh at. Sadly, adults tend to lose sight of the funnier side of life as time goes by. Maybe we’re too busy, or we aren’t spending time with people who we want to laugh with. Whatever the cause, there are a number of great reasons why we should relax and allow ourselves to laugh a little.

Anyway excuse will do

It makes you more attractive
Good news for all the singletons, laughing is attractive, especially to men. People are drawn to happiness and want to share in another’s enjoyment of life and funny scenarios. How many times have you heard someone say that they want to be with someone who has a great sense of humour?

It’s good for your health
According to WebMD.com laughing has the effect of boosting your immune system and helping your body fight off infection. Other studies have found that those who suffer from stress can benefit from having a good giggle. Laughter reduces tension, can lower blood pressure and assist with your breathing. Laughter also raises the heart rate and increases your metabolism, which is good news if you’re trying to lose weight.

It makes you feel better
Possibly a little obvious but it’s good to remember that laughing feels good. A laugh out loud moment is known to release endorphins, which make you feel happy and can reduce physical pain for a short time. Laughing has been known to help with anxiety and in some cases even depression.

It brings people together
While it is possible to laugh on your own, it’s much better to laugh with someone else. A shared laugh can bring people together and strength a bond. Don’t forget that it’s hard stay angry when you’re laughing. It’s even harder to be angry with the person you’re laughing with.

It’s fun
Laughter adds enjoyment to life. It reminds us to lighten up and that things aren’t always serious or sad. It is also contagious. Sometimes just hearing another laughing is enough to brighten your own mood.

You may not feel that you have much to laugh about but even if that’s the case, the bible tells us of a joy that comes from knowing God. If you would like to find out more, please leave a comment or click the link below.

Cutting back on caffeine

Donna Burke
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Cutting back on caffeine

Hi my name is Donna and I have a caffeine problem! It may seem ridiculous but it’s completely true. I’m a passionate tea drinker, but recently the thought that my caffeine levels may be a little too high has been difficult to shake, so I’ve been cutting back. According to the Mayo clinic in America if you’re consuming more than 500 milligrams (mg) of caffeine per day you should probably look at reducing your intake. A mug of coffee (240ml) has between 95 – 200mg of caffeine in it and my drink of choice, black tea contains between 40-70gm in a single (240ml) serving. Considering I can easily down between 6 – 8 cups a day, its definitely time to cut back.

Pros and Cons

Caffeine is a stimulant that is found naturally in many plants. It’s safe for humans (thankfully) but it is addictive and not all the effects it has are beneficial.   Many people find caffeine helps them to wake up, be more alert and enables them to tackle the challenges they face during the day. On the down side, caffeine can also cause sleeplessness, contribute to anxiety, cause headaches and jitters and (when taken in sweetened drinks) facilitate weight gain.  It’s also very easy to be come dependent on this wonder drug without actually realising it.

Cold turkey

If (like me) you regularly drink a bit more caffeine than you should, suddenly cutting it out all together can cause more harm than good. Going cold turkey can trigger headaches, tiredness, a foggy brain and mess up your digestion. Here are a few ways to reduce your caffeine without too much discomfort:

  • Take it slowly. Cut back on one or two cups a day at a gradual rate. You don’t need to rush the process so be realistic and reduce the amount you are drinking over a set period of time.
  • Reach for decaf. Choose decaffeinated alternatives, like rooibos tea or brew your coffee for a shorter period of time. This allows you to have your hot drink fix with less of the caffeine.  Herbal teas are also a good option
  • Drink more water. Instead of going for tea or coffee as a default replace them with water. Alternatively every time you have a caffeine drink, have a glass of water as well. This not only fills you up and quenches your thirst but it also keeps you better hydrated.

Being dependent on anything in order to function is not a great way to live. The Apostle Paul wrote in the New Testament

“I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything.

Rather than depending on substances that may feel good for a while but come with not so great side-effects, you can draw strength and support from a relationship with God.

Just knowing isn’t enough

Donna Burke
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Just knowing isn’t enough

Have you ever considered how much you know? Think about it. You most likely spent a decade or more in some kind of schooling system. Add to that all of the information you’ve read and gleaned since then. That’s a lot of knowledge! I love finding out new things. Discovering how things work or a better way of tackling a problem but I’ve found that just because the information is out there doesn’t always mean it’s making a difference.

Not just head knowledge

I posted a blog earlier this week about how parents can deal with their child’s selective hearing. My mom read it and emailed me to say:  “Hi Sweetheart, Great blog! You know all the theory. I wish I knew all that when I was younger. It’s just putting it into practice that is always the challenge. xx”

As always my mom is right. Just knowing something is fairly pointless if that’s as far as it goes. You have to put that knowledge to use for it to be of any value.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad – Miles Kington

Becoming a doer

The bible talks about people who are satisfied with just knowing. It says that those who hear (or know) and don’t act are like someone who looks in a mirror, walks away, and two minutes later have no idea what they look like.

Information is great but it won’t change anything unless it’s applied. I can know that to lose weight I need to eat less and exercise more but until I start doing those things I’m going to stay the same size I’ve always been. In the same way I can know that God is real and wants to play a part of my life but until I take a step towards building a relationship with him that knowledge isn’t having any impact. The simple truth is that with knowledge comes responsibility. If you have information that will make your life better or open new doors for you but don’t do anything with it, you can’t blame anyone other than yourself. It’s up to you what you do with the knowledge you have. God loves you. He sent Jesus to earth to make it possible for you to know him. What you do with that knowledge is your decision.

If this post has spoken to you or you would like to know more, please leave a comment or click the link below.

What to do about selective hearing?

Donna Burke
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What to do about selective hearing?

One of the most frustrating aspects of raising a child is when you, the parent, struggle to make yourself heard. With enough on your plate to fluster the most masterful multi-tasker, the last thing you need is a child who develops selective hearing whenever you seem to speak. The good news is that, as with many things, this is a fixable situation.

Did you say something?

I love my kids, but nothing gets me more worked up than when I have to repeat a request or an instruction three or four times. A close second is when I make a request and the response is deafening silence.   I know my children can hear me perfectly well because they can detect when the fridge is opened while sitting in the other room. In the interest of cordial relations and my own sanity I am on a mission to resolve this pattern of behavior for all of our sakes. Here are some of the solutions I’ve found that may help to combat selective hearing in your family.

Change your position

If you’re issuing instructions or making requests from a different room or the other side of the house, you’re making it much easier for your child to block you out. As tempting (and convenient) as it may be to communicate from far away, the best position to make sure you’re heard loud and clear is face to face. Close the gap between you and your child, get eye contact and speak directly to them.

Keep it simple

If you find that you have to repeat things time and again, it can be tempting to put everything you have to say into one sentence. This can be counter-productive, especially if your children are small. Ask for one thing at a time. Long and involved instructions can be overwhelming. Short and simple is much easier to follow.

Cut the distractions

Television, music, other conversations can all make it really hard for your child to tune in to what you’re saying. Sadly being asked to pick up your socks or find your school bag is never going to be as interesting as their favourite cartoon, so removing the distractions can go a long way to helping your voice be the one that’s heard.

Keep calm

If your frustration begins to bubble over you’re probably going to lose the battle. Getting the desired response is much harder if you’ve lost control of your temper. Keep calm. A cool and collected parent is much nicer to listen to than a ranting crazy person.

Listen

If you expect your children to listen to you and acknowledge your requests, you must show them the same courtesy. Don’t employ selective hearing with your children. When they speak listen and show them that what they say is important to you. If you model the kind of respectful listening that you are seeking you are much more likely to receive it.

The importance of songs and nursery rhymes for children

Donna Burke
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The importance of songs and nursery rhymes for children

I’m sure if asked, many of us would be able to recite a rhyme or song from our childhood. Regardless of culture or language, the presence of simple and repetitive songs or rhymes is common phenomena.   Children love them.  Adults tend to remember these songs with fondness but are nersary rhymes really all that necessary?

Sing-a-long

Here are a few reasons why introducing nursery rhymes and songs to your children is a great idea:

  • Singing songs or learning nursery rhymes is a fun, free and relatively painless way to entertain your child. Think of the songs you loved as a child, especially ones with actions or a dance. Teach these to your children. It’s a fun way to share part of your childhood with your own kids.
  • Singing helps with language and literacy skills. Learning new words, recognizing sounds and hearing words that rhyme all contribute to developing vocabulary and understanding language.
  • Memorising rhymes is great for concentration.  They encourage children to focus on the words, melodies and rhythm of the songs. Adding actions also helps develop memory skills and physical coordination.
  • Singing and reciting nursery rhymes encourages social interaction. Being able to sing along with a friend or a small group builds a feeling of togetherness and co-operation. This increases if the actions include holding hands or dancing together.
  • Singing out loud builds confidence and encourages creativity. Allowing your child to perform a favourite rhyme for you, can be a way to promote imagination, encourage physical movement, good diction and pronunciation.

In a day and age where parents always seem to be pushed for time and looking for ways to educate and entertain their children, simple things like nursery rhymes can be an easy way to have fun and develop vital skills at the same time. Even if you struggle to remember all the words from when you were a child, a quick google search may be all that’s needed to jog your memory.

Who is your role model?

Donna Burke
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Who is your role model?

Who did you want to be like when you were a child? A movie star? Maybe a sports personality? Or it could have been someone closer to home like an older cousin or one of your parents? While celebrities and popular figures can make for great inspiration, I think that God places us in families so that from the earliest of ages we have people around us who we can model our behavior on.

Your kids watch you for a living. It’s their job; It’s what they do. That’s why it’s so important to try your best to be a good role model. – James Lehman

Number 1 fan

I have a two year old at home. He’s just discovering how the world works and finding out where he fits in the pecking order. I would love to tell you that he thinks that I’m the best thing ever, but sadly Mom pales in comparison to the bright shining light that is Dad! My little boy thinks that his father is amazing! He follows him around and wants to show him things he’s found. If Dad goes away, you would think that my son’s world has ended. When Dad is fixing something or cleaning something, guess who wants to be in on the action? It’s wonderful to witness how much this little boy looks up to his daddy.

For better or worse

My husband is a great dad. Yes, he sometimes makes mistakes but every parent slips up from time to time. On the whole my boy has picked a wonderful person to model himself on, but if his dad wasn’t a good father or didn’t have such great qualities I think he may still have chosen to copy his dad’s behaviour. Even if that meant picking up some of the less desirable or less lovely characteristics on display.

Mirror image

The human race was designed to look up to or worship something. You just have to look at how many celebrities and idols there are to see that people want role model they can try to emulate. You can also see that sometimes the people who are being idolized don’t always possess the best ethics, manners or necessarily make the wisest life decisions. Yet people still want to be like them! The bible tells us that right at the beginning God made us to be like him. We were created in his image. The ultimate and perfect Creator intended that we should model our lives on who he is. He also gave us a choice to either pursue the goal of imitating him or lowering our sights and modeling ourselves on something less.

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