Donna Burke, Author at 1Africa

I want more patience and I want it now

Lifestyle

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August 16, 2016

Patience, as they say, is a virtue. It makes life easier to navigate and can be an indication that a person has a level of maturity when it comes to managing their emotions. The dictionary defines patience as: “The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious”.

We all have problems to overcome, and no one is immune to the challenges that life can throw at us, but having the patience to remain calm and balanced when things aren’t going well, makes weathering the various storms we face a much easier prospect.

Give a little, get a little

Being patient is about accepting that you can’t control everything. It’s about being able to let go of the expectation of how you would like things to be. Many of us, if asked, would probably admit to wanting to be more patient, or at least, admit to losing our patience from time to time. Impatience is stressful, normally driven by an overinflated sense of ego, hugely unattractive, and ultimately alienating. Being impatient will only ever lead to frustration, not just for those who show it but, also for those on the receiving end. On the other hand, an attitude of patience gives both ways. The person being patient is not annoyed or made anxious by the circumstances they face and the people they show patience to are able to function in a calmer, more forgiving environment.

Practice makes perfect

While it is fair to say that some are more naturally patient than others, the art of keeping your cool and navigating challenges well is a skill that can be learnt and practiced. Here are three ways you can practice being patient:

Do something that takes time to achieve a result. Grow a plant, read a book or build something. It doesn’t matter what the task is, just remember to enjoy the process not just the outcome.
When you begin to feel impatient, stop and consider what is causing your frustration. Is the cause really worth getting worked up over? In the big picture many of the things that upset us aren’t as important as they may first appear.
If your natural inclination is to be impatient, try starting small. If you are able to be more patient with little annoyances, over time you can grow your capacity to handle much bigger frustrations.

Learning to let go

It’s much easier to be patient when you surrender your need to have everything go your own way. The Bible tells us that patience is a gift from God, and is a benefit that comes from having a relationship with him. It also says that though a man may plan a path for his life, it’s God who determines the way his life will play out. Letting go of all control can be hard if it feels like you’re leaving your life up to chance or luck. Letting go of your need to manage all the details becomes easier when you remember that God is in control.

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Running the race that’s right for you

Donna Burke

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August 10, 2016

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Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Whatever your background or culture, chances are that there are acceptable or desired “paths” which you are expected to follow. Social norms and universal goals can be found in most areas of society and cover everything from education to family relationships, and career paths, to any other life choice you can think of. It’s these norms that are used to measure our success or failure in life and give us an indication as to how we compare to those around us.

What happens, though, if the path that is laid out before you looks very different from the one you would choose for yourself, if you were given the chance?

Horses for courses

It may be stating the obvious, but we’re all different. Each of us have unique skills and abilities, and likes and dislikes, so to try and insist that everyone follow the same course makes very little sense. Comparing a person who is gifted academically with another who is a naturally sporty individual, doesn’t do either one any justice. Each is talented in a separate field and making either one feel less because they don’t measure up in an area that they aren’t skilled in serves very little purpose. Instead of asking everyone to conform to the same standards, wouldn’t it be better for each person to find their own way and determine a course most suited to who they are and what it is that they have in their heart to do?

Run your own race

Everyone is a ten out of ten at something. While you may not be a genius at mathematics, you may be amazing at connecting with people or vice versa. The trick is, to find that thing that you are amazing at. Trying to be like someone else or running a path that isn’t meant for you will only be frustrating and disappointing.

The good news is that you can’t be left behind if you’re blazing your own path. The Bible often talks about our spiritual lives being like a race. We are told that we should run with purpose and focus, setting our eyes on the prize at the end of the race, which is Jesus. So rather than trying to run a race that has been determined by someone else, find the road that God has marked out for you and blaze that trail towards his plans and purposes for your life.

Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life. – Galatians 6:4-5

When silence is a good thing

Donna Burke

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August 9, 2016

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Silence. It’s a rare occurrence in a house that is home to small kids. There are moments of course. Some are wonderful. That moment everyone is in bed and has finally fallen asleep. When you made dinner and everyone is enjoying it so much there isn’t time to make a sound. These are good moments. Breaks in the fullness of the day where noise is the norm. Don’t misunderstand me, parenting is a joy – but it’s also loud. There are other silent moments, however, that are not so wonderful; in fact, they are just suspicious.

Don’t be fooled

One day, when my youngest daughter was 17 months old, while working in the kitchen I realised that the house was incredibly quiet. Too quiet for a place that was occupied by a larger-than-life, full-of-fun toddler who didn’t do anything, unless it was with volume. Upon investigation I found her in her room surrounded by what seemed like every toy we owned tipped out of the toy chest and spread across the entire area of her bedroom floor. Chaos on such a level requires huge amounts of concentration, and obviously didn’t leave room for noise while the mischief was taking place. I learnt on that day that just because I can’t hear something, doesn’t mean nothing is happening. Silence is possibly an indication that something is going on behind the scenes that I know nothing about.

Never not there

As frustrating as this area of parenting can be, I’ve begun to appreciate the activity during the silence because it reminds me of something that, when I’m struggling to be patient or feeling like everything is working against me, I really need to keep in mind. There are times when we can ask God for something and it really feels like those prayers just bounce back to us unanswered. Sometimes, we’re trusting for a specific outcome, or for a way through a situation, and it appears that we are left to struggle alone.

The thing is, just because God seems to be silent and there isn’t any indication of activity, it doesn’t mean that he’s not working things out in the background. In the book of Psalms the Bible tells us that God doesn’t sleep or rest but that he’s always watching over the various aspects of your life. In the book of Romans we are told that God sees that everything works together for the good of those who love him. If this is true, even when it feels like God is doing nothing, he’s busy working out his plan for our lives. We are told that God will never leave us or walk away from us, so in the quiet times we can be certain that God is still present and very active.

Do you own your possessions or do they own you?

Donna Burke

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August 4, 2016

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Do you own your possessions or do they own you?

Everyone likes to have nice things. A good car, a comfortable home, the latest model of whatever electronic device is top of your must-have list. All the things that blur the line between need and want tend to be a way of telling the rest of the world, “Hey! Look how successful I am!” There’s nothing wrong with liking, and having, lovely possessions, but when those possessions are the driving force behind who and what you are, it may be time to take an honest look at your priorities.

He who has the most toys wins

How do you measure success? For many people, it’s about material objects. It’s about having the finances to buy without concern. The truth is that as much as having things may be fun, the possessing of dream items doesn’t always bring the happiness we imagine. Even if what we have does make us happy, it’s a sobering thought that everything we accumulate in this life will one day be left behind. We can’t take anything with us, and ultimately he who has the most toys, still dies. When was the last time you saw a gravestone with a list of the individual’s possessions on it?

Where is your treasure?

The Bible tells us that our heart longs to be where our treasure is. If your heart is constantly focused on what you have and getting more of the same, it’s a pretty good indication that you are owned by the things you possess. Greed is a destructive emotion and will never be satisfied – if anything it is fed by the acquisition of material goods and the desire for more just grows with each new thing. Sadly, you may even find that the things you thought would make you happy, just make you more dissatisfied, and leave you looking for the next thing to add to your list of personal effects.

Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.

Worth more than gold

The Bible warns us not to waste our lives in pursuit of things that will only bring a hollow and fleeting happiness. Things you can hold can also be taken from you. Only one thing can hold centre stage in your life; if the things you own fill that position there isn’t room for anything else to be your primary focus. You can either serve your need to acquire more material goods, or you can choose to find a treasure that is richer and more valuable than anything you can buy from a store, and which will last beyond this life.

Making room for the important things

Donna Burke

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August 2, 2016

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What’s important to you? If you take a step back and look at your life, what are the things that add the most value? What would you miss the most if it wasn’t there? What are you giving the most time and attention to?

Where does the time go?

In her book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, palliative nurse Bronnie Ware wrote about her experiences caring for people who were close to death and recorded the things they wished they had done differently in their lives. Here are the five most common regrets as listed in the book:

Not having the courage to be true to themselves and instead lived for others
Working too hard
Not expressing their feelings
Not staying in touch with friends
Not letting themselves be happier

So much to do, so little time

It’s surprising how quickly our lives can become full. There are many things that vie for out time and attention and can take our focus off what is truly important. Author Stephen Covey wrote about how life can become full of urgent, but not necessarily important things in his book First Things First. He used an illustration of a man with a glass jar and filled with large rock and small pebbles. If the man filled his glass jar with small pebbles first, he’d never be able to fit the large rocks into the jar as well. If he put his large rocks in first and then the smaller pebbles, the man would find that he was able to fit in not only the larger pieces but the small ones as well.

The point of the story is that the large rocks represent the important things in our lives and the smaller stones are those things that, while they may matter, are lower down on the scale. If you don’t make space for the main priorities first, other things will clutter your life and take up time and energy that you should be spending on those things that matter most to you.

Making the main thing the main thing

Many people believe that there will be time for God when they’re older. They want to live their lives free from constraint and “religion,” living as they choose and add God in when they get the time. Unfortunately, life has a tendency to move faster than we realise and unless you prioritise giving God place in your daily existence you will probably find your never get around it. The Bible tells us that we should put God first. Make him our number one priority and that everything else – our physical, emotional, and financial needs – will be met because we chose to make a relationship with God our main goal.

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It’s okay to not be okay

Donna Burke

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July 28, 2016

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Hey! How are you doing? No, I mean how are you really doing?

When faced with this question in our everyday, regular lives the standard, go-to, knee-jerk response is “I’m fine”. It’s part of our language, our social culture, and the acceptable norm to be “fine” –but are you really fine, or is the reality that you’re not actually okay?

No worries

Generally, people tend not to like admitting that they aren’t really okay. We have our public face, the one we show the world, that says “I’ve got this” and “Everything is good with me” but behind closed doors things are anything but okay. In fact, things are a little bit broken, a little hurt, and not fine.

Keep it under wraps

It’s amazing how often we cover up the “not okay” bit of life. The broken heart, the disappointment, the feelings of inadequacy. It might be something huge or it could just be a bad day that leaves you feeling frustrated and defeated but, whatever the cause, it can be hard to admit we’re not doing okay.

Hiding what is really going on may help to preserve your image but it won’t help anyone in the long run. Somehow your pain or sadness will find a voice, and if you’ve been more concerned with being “fine” than acknowledging your need, that voice may be ill-timed and out of control.

The true story

Here’s the thing; It’s okay not to be okay! If you’re looking around at the people in your world thinking “they’ve got it all together” please understand this. You see their “highlights”, the good things, the best moments – but in their “behind the scenes” there are also pressures, frustrations and moments they need someone to encourage them.

A friend in need is a friend indeed

Everyone needs someone sometimes, who will be okay with them needing help or someone to listen. The Bible tells us:

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

God knows that there are days when we will struggle and circumstances that we find overwhelming. He sees the difficulties and the pain we have to deal with. He doesn’t tell us to put on a happy face and get over it – he asks us to trust him enough to take our cares and hurts to him.

What to do when siblings become rivals

Donna Burke

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July 26, 2016

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Brothers and sisters should be the first friends we have. They’re always there, know us better than anyone else, and share the same background as we do. On the other hand they can also be the cause of jealousy and envy, and can inspire us to compete in a way no other can. Sibling rival can completely destroy peace and harmony in a household and create challenging family dynamics – but how do you guard against this conflict taking hold in your children?

Peacekeeper

When you add siblings to a family setup you also introduce the ability to draw comparisons, a person to measure against, and someone who will need a share of the affection and attention. External parties may feel the need to encourage the rivalry, but how you manage this challenge within your family will define your children’s relationship not only in childhood but as adults as well. Here are a few things that might help you defuse any conflict and foster cordial relations between your offspring.

Don’t compare! It may seem ridiculously obvious but even innocent observations that directly compare one sibling to another can cause issues. Telling a child that they should be more like their sibling only makes them feel less, and possibly feeds feelings of resentment. Likewise telling your child they are better than their sibling leads to feelings of superiority. Neither is helpful!
Encourage a team spirit: Remind your children that they are in this together. Encourage them to cheer each other on, celebrate each other’s victories, and show them that they can be proud of their sibling and vice versa. Where possible have them work as a team to show them how good they are as a unit.
Being fair doesn’t mean being equal: You can’t hold an older sibling and a younger sibling to the same standard. Your oldest may be more capable so you can expect more but that doesn’t mean you don’t need to stay fair in your treatment. It’s important to make sure everyone is heard and feels considered when dealing with differences.
Know when to step in: It’s good to let siblings settle their own differences where possible but it’s important to know when things are getting out of hand. More anger will be caused by a lack of intervention by the parents, especially if one child feels they are the victim and mom and dad did nothing.

Finding a win/win

Keeping peace between your children can feel as impossible as finding a solution to the world’s problems but as a parent it’s your job to do what you can to keep relations friendly when you can. It’s vital that each of your children know that they are all your favourites, not only because of your words but by your actions as well. Arguments and fights are a normal part of growing up but placing value on each individual will make them in turn value those around them and appreciate their own worth.

Are you a hypocrite?

Lifestyle

Donna Burke

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July 21, 2016

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No one likes a hypocrite. Someone who holds everyone else to a moral standard but whose own behavior doesn’t line up with what they preach. Sadly, it’s all too easy to have double standards and normally without realising there is any inconsistency between our actions and our words.

Pot calling the kettle black

In the Bible Jesus spoke about hypocrisy and warned against it. In the book of Matthew He said:

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, “Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,” when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye.

Watch out for blind spots

It’s easy to see the faults in others and consider them lacking but it’s much harder to see your own blind spots. It takes a lot of self-awareness to realise you are failing to live up to the standards you expect others to stick to or that you aren’t living in line with the things you say.

If you’re worried that you may be living hypocritically, here are a few ways you can address the problem and begin practicing what you preach.

Admit you are wrong: The first step to fixing any issue is identifying that there is a problem in the first place. If you can admit you hold others to standards that you don’t live up to yourself you are half way to becoming a person who is fair and balanced in their treatment of those around them.

Avoid gossip: For some reason, hypocrisy and gossip seem to go hand in hand. It’s a short step from discussing someone else’s character and life choices to judging them for not being a better person. In the process of picking through someone else’s actions it’s all too easy to make hypocritical judgments.

Be slow to pass judgment: Snap judgments based on hearsay or sketchy details are never a good move. Instead of jumping to conclusions wait until you have a clear picture of the facts, or better still don’t pass judgment at all.

Remember you’re not perfect: We all fall short of perfection. You may have your life together on some levels but behind the scene everyone needs a bit of help or at least to be shown a measure of grace. If you’re tempted to be critical, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Know what you believe: The easiest way to avoid hypocrisy is to be 100% certain about what you believe and stick to it. Until you figure out where you stand on an issue, hold your tongue. Take a little time to really consider what it is you hold to be important and true. When you know what that is, make sure you stick to is.

It’s not just about you

The author Brennan Manning once wrote:

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

The trouble with hypocrisy is that others can usually see it before we do and it has the power to steal not only our own integrity but also the credibility of that which we stand for and believe in. Be slow to judge and careful to walk out the word you speak.

How can you help your child overcome their fear?

Donna Burke

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July 19, 2016

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How can you help your child overcome their fear?

The world can be a scary place, even more so if you’re only a child. It’s hardly surprising then that most children at some point in their childhood will go through a period when they are afraid of something. It’s very common for children to be afraid of things; monsters, water, the dark, strangers, the list is long and many times there is no foundation or cause to the fear other than the thing they are afraid of is “scary”. However, just because the fear is irrational, doesn’t mean that the emotions being felt are not real.
It’s up to you
As a parent, it can be hard to know how to navigate this season of fear well. It’s easy to get frustrated and impatient, especially when the fear disrupts everyday life but as the person your child looks to for their security and support, how you deal with this challenge is vital to their feeling of wellbeing – not just in the present but in the future as well.
We’ve all been there
I’m a mother of four. At one stage I had a child who was terrified every time we ran a bath. As soon as the tap was turned on, panic set in and my normally happy and confident child turned into a hysterical mess who was convinced that the running bath would flood the entire house. It’s funny now, looking back on that stage, but at the time it was hard to know what to do and how best to calm her, and ultimately completely dispel the fear.
Keep calm and carry on
Although there is no quick-fix when it comes to helping a child face their fears, here are a few things that may help you if you’re dealing with this season in your family.

Talk about it:The cause of the fear may be imagined but the fear itself is very real. Discussing what they are afraid of may help your child to dispel some of the bad feelings they are experiencing and also make them feel less like they are carrying their fear alone.

Don’t make light of it:Your child needs to know that you are a safe place and a place of comfort. They won’t feel that way if you make fun of something that is deeply troubling them. As much as their fear may seem foolish to you, don’t be tempted to make light of it because in their eyes it’s very serious and they need you to treat it that way.

Be patient:An irrational fear can be frustrating but you won’t be helping the situation if you lose your temper or just tell your child to stop being silly. If your child feels as though you are supporting them and are in control of the situation, they are more likely to be able to not only face, but overcome the thing they are afraid of.

Don’t avoid it:If your child is afraid of the dark you can’t keep the lights on all the time. If they don’t like water or dogs or strangers, don’t avoid these things in an attempt to shield them from their fears. Encouragement, support, and calm confidence is the best way to approach whatever it is that your child is struggling with. Don’t force the issue but if an occasion arises that means they need to confront their fear, help them to do so, until they are able to without your help, rather than avoiding the challenge.

Be bold
Whatever our age, we all have to face fear sooner or later. The cause of our anxiety may change but knowing that we are not facing our fear alone is always the easiest way to begin overcoming what we are most afraid of. The writer of the book of Psalms in the Bible wrote about the fact that he could face anything, even the darkest valley, without being afraid because he knew God was with him. Having someone standing beside us can be the difference between learning to overcome our fears or allowing them to control us.

Don’t get so offended

Donna Burke

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July 14, 2016

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Have you noticed how many people seem to be offended? You don’t have to look much further than Facebook, Twitter, or the headlines of the news outlets to see there are a lot of angry people out there. To be fair there’s a lot going on in the world that could generate huge amounts of negative emotion but being offended is different from being righteously angered or upset. Being offended has more to do with what’s going on in you, than what is happening around you.

Are you looking at me?

The word offence is defined in the dictionary as being:

annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult to or disregard for oneself or one’s standards or principles.

So basically, if you’re offended it means someone has done or said something that you took personally. Whether it was intended as an insult or not is besides the point; the key word in that definition is “perceived”. Very often we get offended or take offence to something that wasn’t meant to be personal but we decided that it was a direct attack against us. The origin of the word offend is the Latin and it means “to strike against”. It conjures up a mental image of hitting your head against an opinion or statement made by someone else that you don’t like. The opinion isn’t harming you but your response to it is.

Take it or leave it

Popular culture wisdom says:

Offence isn’t given it can only be taken.

This can be a little misleading because there are those out there who are rude and go out of their way to upset others, but at the same time you have a choice whether to take comments to heart or not, and it’s a matter of maturity as to whether you’re able to rise above something that was never directed at you in the first place.

The problem with offence is that it’s a completely negative response. You can’t build on it or use it to restore a relationship, and it won’t help you become a better person. Offence is nothing but bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness.

Break free

Lewis B. Smedes once said:

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

Don’t allow bitterness and offence to bind you up and confine you to a prison of your own making. The Bible tells us that Jesus came to so that we could live free lives and not be bound up. Why then would you choose to live as a slave to your offence when he has made a way for you to be free of it?

Donna Burke

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