Donna Burke, Author at 1Africa

You can do more than you think you can

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July 12, 2016

Every day most of us will face a challenge of some kind. They may be self inflicted, for example delivering on a deadline earlier than requested or running an extra 15 minutes at the gym. Other challenges and stresses are from external sources. In either case we have to stretch ourselves to rise to the challenge and go beyond what is comfortable. It can be difficult to see how you are ever going to do what is required of you, but here’s a secret… You can do more than you think.

How do you eat an elephant?

Challenges can be daunting. When you stand at the bottom of a mountain that you’re about to climb, the top can seem a world away from where you are. The good news is you don’t climb a mountain in one big leap; each little step takes you closer to your goal. You just have to keep going. After all the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

I’m mom to four kids. It’s a fairly big job and I’m often asked, “How do you do it?”. I’m not sure my answer is ever what people expect but the only response I can give is that you don’t usually start with four children all at once. Adding one at a time grows your capacity slowly until you’re able to handle a whole lot more than you did before you started.

Many of life’s challenges are the same. You don’t usually land the position of CEO of a large international company on your first day out of university. You’re not expected to win the Olympic gold the first occasion you put on a pair of running shoes, but just because the goal is far off, doesn’t mean you can’t aim for something big and push the boundaries. Just because it’s impossible when you start doesn’t mean it will always be impossible.

It’s all in your mind

Your ability to go beyond what is currently possible is directly related to your ability to believe you can. Very often we allow limitations to be set by our circumstances or by those around us but if we change our thinking, it’s amazing what can be achieved.

Not in your own strength

Throughout the Bible, God told people to think bigger, to believe for more, and to make space for impossible things to happen. Sadly there were occasions that He told people to reach further but they missed out because they put their own limitations on the situation even though God had more in store for them. What would you be reaching towards, or believing for, if you knew God was on your side?

Sex is one thing, but what about intimacy?

Donna Burke

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July 7, 2016

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Sex is one thing, but what about intimacy?

Intimacy is a great word. It’s kind of mysterious and a little coy as though it’s hiding a wonderful secret. The dictionary defines intimacy as being:

Close familiarity or friendship
A cosy and private atmosphere
Euphemistic term for sexual intercourse
Closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.

In current culture, probably the most often utilised meaning is as a reference to sex – because lets face it, sex is everywhere. We use sex to sell things. We talk about it. We sing songs about. We make films dealing with. We write books about it. The truth is, though, that sex and intimacy are two very separate things.

One without the other

One of the most common misconceptions about sex and intimacy is that sex on its own fosters a sense of intimacy between two people. We see it in the movies and we read in novels how once a couple jump into a physical relationship they suddenly become this inseparable unit of closeness. In reality the act of sex can happen without an intimacy being present whatsoever. Sex without a sense of closeness and love is really just putting the cart before the horse and can be a barrier to growing together as a couple

Intimacy, as the dictionary points out, is about closeness but it’s so much more than just physical closeness. True intimacy is about knowing someone. It’s about familiarity and seeing past the surface to the core of who they are. It’s about love. Sex, although it is a beautiful expression of being intimate with your spouse, cannot create intimacy if it isn’t already present. The act of sex can take the form of a one-night stand, a non-consensual act, or even a business transaction, and will never produce true intimacy between those involved.

I see you

Some of the most intimate moments in a marriage happen outside of the bedroom. I once heard intimacy explained as being “in-to-me-see”. Real intimacy means sharing your hopes, dreams, and fears with each other. It’s about building trust and being vulnerable and allowing each other to see and know everything there is about you. It’s about making and nurturing a connection that can grow stronger with time and although sex is part of that bond it’s the icing on the cake rather than the cake itself.

To know and be known

In Psalm 139 the Bible paints an amazing picture of what closeness should look like. The writer talks about their relationship with God; about being known inside and out and of being seen no matter where they are.

¹¹I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you…

¹³You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb…
¹⁶You saw me before I was born.

As stated before, sex is pretty much everywhere, but true intimacy is a rare and precious commodity

Speaking your spouse’s language

Donna Burke

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July 5, 2016

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Marriage, while being wonderful in very many ways, isn’t always a walk in the park. Ask any couple who’ve been married for more than a week and they can tell you, joining your life to another person, accommodating someone else’s hopes and preferences, not to mention their insecurities and fears (because we all have those in varying measure), is a juggling act of patience, perseverance, love and commitment. A great marriage (because who really just wants an average one?) takes work and effort from both parties but its value is beyond compare.

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and health

I read an article recently in the Huffington post about the 11 be-all-end-all mistakes that lead to divorce. It was sobering reading because as much as a wife or a husband may promise to never cheat, lie or physically abuse their other half, the things that lead to divorce are much subtler and easier to fall into. Of the 11 points, the one that jumped out was about people going into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. In those circumstances they eventually leave because their needs haven’t been fulfilled or met by their significant other.

News flash! A person, no matter how amazing they are, will never be able to make you happy 100% of the time. I’m sorry if that’s burst a few bubbles or sounds super negative, but let me explain why the “happily ever after” has a few conditions attached to it before you start throwing fruit and calling me a humbug.

Take the good with the bad

People are people. They are mostly wonderful, but they are also flawed. Some are selfish, some are thoughtless, some are petty, and most of us are a combination of all the ugly personality traits we’d rather not acknowledge. We may try to overcome these faults but sooner or later one or the other individual (and usually both) does something that will hurt or annoy their partner. It may not be intentional but it will happen.

On top of that men and women are different. We think differently, prioritise differently, and communicate differently, and therein lies another place where problems and disconnects can arise. And to cap it all, different individuals show and feel love in different ways. Sounds like a lost cause? Not at all – you just need to recognise where these differences can cause issues and find ways to bridge the gaps.

Becoming bilingual

A number of years ago the author Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled The Five Love Languages. In his book Dr Chapman outlined five separate ways in which people feel or accept love. He said that by learning which “language” your spouse experiences love in, you are able to show them love in a way that they understand and appreciate. The five languages are:

Acts of service: Basically we’re talking about doing things for someone. Taking out the rubbish, cleaning the car, helping with a tiresome or difficult task or making them breakfast. Someone who speaks this love language feels most loved and taken care of when their significant other does something tangible to help lighten their load.

Words of affirmation: This language is all about encouragement and positive verbal expressions. It’s about sincere compliments, spoken gratitude, and written notes or letters. All of these things go a long way towards filling the love tank of someone who feels love through affirmation.

Physical touch: This may seem like an obvious display of love but physical touch for someone who speaks this as a love language, goes beyond the normal levels. Hugs, hand holding, cuddling on the couch, shoulder rubs, and of course sex all speak loudly to a physical touch person.

Quality time: When you’re married you tend to spend a lot of time with your spouse, but quality time is a bit more focused and intentional than just living in the same space. Turning off the cell phones, television and any other distraction is key. Planning one-on-one moments and giving undivided attention all add up to “I love you” for a quality time speaker.

Giving gifts – We’re talking presents. Not for a specific occasion (although you mustn’t forget those!) but just because. Something thoughtful, no matter how small, fill up the love tank for a gifts person, as does showing gratitude when they give a gift to you!

There is no quick fix or absolute guarantee when it comes to building a strong relationship but it helps when you are both committed to finding a way to make the other person feel as loved and appreciated as you can. A good marriage requires an “all or nothing” approach where you not only do your part but you go the extra mile way to make sure you, as a couple, find a way to have the kind of “happily ever after” that can happen in real life. At the end of the day, if you’re looking to your spouse to meet all your needs both of you are going to end up hurt and disappointed because that’s an unfair expectation to put on anyone.

The art of saying sorry

Donna Burke

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June 30, 2016

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It’s one of life’s biggest mysteries. What is it about the two words “I’m sorry” that makes it so hard to say? The biggest problem is that being able to apologise is a fundamental skill to learn and without nurturing healthy and strong relationships is virtually impossible. Adults, who had supposedly learnt how to control and master their emotions, find it hard to apologise at times so is it really surprising that children need to be guided through the process of learning how to say sorry.

Never too young to start

My last-born child is nearly two. Being the youngest of four he’s had to learn quickly to stand up for himself and make his voice heard in an already loud and full household. Unfortunately he hasn’t yet learnt how to control his temper and at times it bubbles over, with dramatic results. The funny thing is that even at this stage, when he doesn’t fully understand what it means, saying sorry is a bit of a challenge for him when he oversteps the mark. Despite his age there is still a level of stubbornness and self-pride that makes admitting a mistake difficult.

Regardless of your age, being able to sincerely say that you’re sorry is a big step towards maturity and says a lot about you as an individual.

It shows that you are able to own and be responsible for your mistakes.
It tells others that you value them and your relationship.
Saying you’re sorry reveals that you are secure enough to be vulnerable.

The art of apologising

So whether you’re trying to encourage this ability in your child or maybe trying to get better at it yourself, here are a few things to keep in mind when you’re learning to say sorry.

Saying you’re sorry isn’t always about apologising for being wrong. Sometimes you can be right but in a way that hurts someone. For the sake of the relationship an apology is the best approach.
If you’re going to say you’re sorry, you have to mean it. An insincere apology is painfully obvious and may do more harm than good.
Don’t delay when an apology is needed. The longer you wait the harder it will be.
An apology doesn’t need to be fancy but it sometimes will require some action behind your words. Be ready to back up your sorry with a change in behaviour or approach.

More than words

The Bible talks a lot about being sorry or repenting. In a biblical context sorry means not only to admit fault but to turn away from it and move towards a place of being right. In other words, it isn’t enough to acknowledge when you’ve done something wrong and admit it – a change in lifestyle and behaviour is the only way to show that you’re truly sorry.

It’s time to find a new dream

Donna Burke

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June 28, 2016

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Dreams. Goals. Five-year plans. Whatever you call them, most of us have things we want to achieve or add to our lives. It could be a certain level of education or an experience like traveling around the world. It may be securing a particular job or finding someone to share the many aspects of your life with. Dreams can be big and seemingly impossible, or they can be more simple and within easy reach, but they give us a sense of motion. They serve as a measure of success and hopefully bring us joy and fulfilment when they are realised. But what then? What happens after you reach your goal?

More than a fairytale

Being mom to a handful of children under the age of eight has introduced me to a whole world of things that I probably would never have come into contact with if I wasn’t a parent. One such thing I have been exposed to is wisdom according to Disney. Don’t mock – many a true word has come out of an animated character who happens to sing and possess magical qualities.

This weekend my tribe decided to re-watch Tangled – the story of Rapunzel and her dream of seeing the floating lanterns. It’s a very sweet tale (honestly, I think it’s one of my favourites) but when our heroine is at the point of realising her dream, in a moment of nervous excitement, she wonders what happens if this defining moment isn’t everything she has hoped for. And then she asks what happens if it is. The funny thing about getting what you want and what you’ve been dreaming of or hoping for is that it changes things. For better or worse, the thing that you have been reaching for is no longer the focus. In response to Rapunzel’s fear, the hero of the story gives this golden nugget of wisdom: “You get to find a new dream.”

Time for something new

Growing up, my dream was to be a mom. It may seem like a simple and easily achievable thing to many but for me that was my goal. In the last eight years I’ve more than realised that end and now have a beautiful family of four lovely children – but now that my youngest is becoming more independent I can see that I’m not too far away from the moment when my dream will cease to take up every moment of my day. In short, I need to find a new dream.

Whether you need a new dream because you have realised your original desire or maybe you’ve come to the point of needing to let go of a dream that isn’t going to materialise, embarking on a new dream journey can be a daunting prospect. Deciding what the new season and the next goal needs to be may not be as easy as you may think but here are a few things to bear in mind if you’re looking for your next big adventure.

Get excited!

Stepping out onto a different road and experiencing new seasons can be a nerve-racking experience, but don’t let the fear of the unknown overwhelm you. This is an exciting time and should be celebrated.

Appreciate the past, but don’t stay there

Whether you’re moving on from a place of victory or from a place of disappointment, you are still moving on. If you made mistakes, learn from them. If you conquered and grew in the process, carry those victories with you.

Be brave and get creative

This is your chance to branch out and maybe push past some limitations that you’ve previously placed on yourself. If you’ve already achieved one dream, why not make the next goal bigger?

Don’t stop

Success and failure are both just mile markers along the journey. Regardless of which one you encounter, the important thing is to keep going. Keep reaching, keep dreaming, and keep looking forward.

The author C.S. Lewis once said:

‘You’re never too old to set a new goal or to dream a new dream’

The Bible tells us that we are able to plan our own course through life, but it is God who guides our steps. In another verse we are told that if we find our delight and joy in who God is, He will lead us to our heart’s desires. So when you are seeking a new adventure and uncovering your next dream remember to give God his rightful place in the equation and enjoy the journey!

Don’t judge a book by its cover

Donna Burke

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June 23, 2016

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Most of us, at some point in our lives, have probably been warned not to judge a book by its cover. It’s a fairly well known phrase and apparently has been around since before 1860, so you would think that a large percentage of the population would know not to judge things, people, or books on their outward appearance. Sadly it seems they don’t.

It’s terribly easy to assume that just because something or someone looks a certain way you know exactly how they will act or feel on specific topics. We easily jump to conclusions about people’s backgrounds, education, and social status based on their physical attributes. We judge countries and places based on what we’ve heard or read from afar. We even judge God without really finding out anything about him.

Appearances can be deceiving

When we started dating, my husband and I were once mistaken for brother and sister. We are both white. Both have brown hair and I guess our facial features hold similarities but we are definitely not blood relatives (promise!) The funny thing is that while on the surface it could be assumed that we are the same, even possibly family, underneath we are actually very different. We were born in different countries. Our mother tongues are different. Our home cultures are different and our family background is also, well, different. The funny thing is that to look at us, none of these things are immediately apparent but that doesn’t mean they aren’t vital components of who we are as individuals.

Scratch beneath the surface

The thing about assumptions is that they are often based on little or unreliable information. Assumptions are usually made quickly and without investment of time or effort and tend to lead to mistakes. When we judge something purely based on face value, we run the risk of either over-estimating or under-appreciating its true value. Just because something or someone looks amazing, doesn’t mean they can deliver on other levels. Conversely, something that is lacking in aesthetic appeal may hold hidden treasures beneath the surface. The trick is taking the time to look a little deeper, develop stronger ties, and ask real questions.

Do you act your age?

Donna Burke

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June 21, 2016

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Recently I was going through old photo albums with my children looking at pictures from my childhood. My kids love to see photographs of family members when they were younger and ask questions about what we were like, where we lived and all the rest. They love the thought of me, their mommy, being little like them. It’s a novel thought that the person they depend upon and go to for just about everything was once a little person who was dependent on someone else.

Still the same ‘me’

The funny thing about this perspective is that regardless of the fact that I’ve been married for over a decade, finished high school 20 years ago (yes, that is a terrifying thought), and have four babies of my own, is that I still feel the same as I did in my early twenties and I think I always will. The reality of life, however, means that my life now is very different to the life I lived then. To put it plainly, I’ve grown up.

Living in Neverland

It happens to us all (or at least it should). Our childhood and teenage years are (hopefully) a very short time in comparison to our overall life span. It’s possibly part of the reason why so many people seem eager to hang onto their younger selves for as long as they can. You only have to google “peter pan generation” and you’ll see what I mean. More and more people are trying to avoid responsibility and commitment, live off their parents, and stay “forever young”. Is it any wonder then that there is some confusion as to how to act your age? Isn’t it boring to be old? When do you start “settling down” and growing up? Do you have to do these things or can you remain young and free forever?

Growing up vs. growing old

I think even before you begin to answer these questions you have to realise that there is a difference between growing up and growing old. As a child, life is full of wonder, exploration, and excitement. There is fun to be found in most circumstances. In a paper on humour and stress, Mary Sherman explains that children laugh on average between 300 and 500 times a day, compared to a feeble 15 times for most adults. These are the things that tend to get lost when we grow old. Being old talks of being tired, worn, and possibly even losing something. Growing up is more about maturing and maturity is about growing, adding to, and developing. It’s about taking the wonderful things from your youth and adding to them all the things about being an adult you wished for but didn’t have when you were young.

Young at heart

The Bible talks about the fact that as we grow we put aside childish things but it also tells us that that we should remain child-like. It sounds like a contradiction but all it really means is that we shouldn’t be afraid to grow up. Maturing is a natural and important part of life but during the process of growing up, we must remember to hang on to the child-like joy and openness that characterises a young and vital existence.

Choose your words carefully

Donna Burke

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June 17, 2016

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Words are wonderful but they can also be devastating.

I live in a house where two-thirds of the inhabitants are under the age of eight. Most days everyone (including mom and dad) manage to get on fairly well and speak kindly to one another, but there are times when this is not the case. When tempers flare and frustrations boil over, the words that are used can become unkind and damaging. It’s disturbing to see how easy it is to use language to maim and cut down. To try and curb potential damage caused by unguarded speech, we have banned words like “stupid,” “ugly,” and “idiot,” and name-calling is most certainly not acceptable.

My go-to phrase on these occasions is the age old wisdom, handed down over generations: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” It sounds so simple and maybe even a little childish, but so many rashly spoken words or overly harsh criticisms could have been avoided if the speaker had stuck to this piece of advice.

Sticks and stones

In the heat of an argument it’s easy to forget that sometimes what we say can outlast the offence and can leave permanent scars. It’s a fallacy that the things we say hold little or no power. Words can wound deeply, names and labels stick like glue, and one angry word has the ability to destroy years of trust. The Bible tells us:

Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.

Think before you speak

There is an acronym that is used by some to judge whether what they are about to say is appropriate, or worth saying at all. It looks like this:

T – is it true?

H – is it helpful?

I – is it inspiring?

N – is it necessary?

K – is it kind?

Sadly people tend to decide that if the thing they wish to say is true, then that’s good enough, but they fail to consider the other elements that are just as important. Just because something is true doesn’t mean that you need to say it. Be careful with your words and THINK before you speak. Many years of hurt can be avoided if we stop and consider what we say before we say it, especially as parents. So if in doubt (or in a temper) try and remember that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Are you your own worst enemy?

Donna Burke

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June 14, 2016

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We all set ourselves goals in life. Losing those few extra kilos; gaining top marks in our next examination; landing that promotion; or cancelling out our credit card debt.

Goals are great, but there are times when no matter much we want to, we just can’t seem to reach the prize that we’re aiming for. Sometimes the cause of our frustration is clear, but on other occasions the only thing getting in our way, is our own self.

Who needs enemies?

According to psychological experts, it’s not unusual for an individual to unconsciously respond to a stressful situation in a way that will do more harm than good. Unfortunately, because these actions are very often unintentional, you may never be able to put your finger on what it is that is sabotaging your attempt to get ahead. In case you’re wondering whether you may be your own arch-nemesis, here are five things you may be doing that are working against your chances of success.

Not thinking ahead

It’s been said many times but it’s worth repeating: “People who fail to plan are planning to fail”. While winging it and playing by ear may have its merits, there are times when taking a moment and looking a step or two down the road will save you from silly mistakes and a lot of wasted time. Even if you are not a planner by nature or prefer to roll with the punches, when it comes to achieving a set objective a little bit of foresight can go a long, long way.

Not learning to say ‘No’

“No” is sometimes one of the hardest words to say, but when you’re attempting to achieve something that demands your time, effort, and focus, that little word can become vital. If you are unable to say “no” you may well find that you take on unnecessary burdens and tasks that compromise those things that are really important.

Taking the short-term benefit instead of aiming for the long-term gain

It’s always tempting to watch that extra episode of your favourite series instead of going to bed, even though you’ll really miss that hour of sleep when you wake up for work the next day. And even though you know that you’ll see it when you weigh yourself next time, that final doughnut is literally screaming your name. To get the results you’re looking for, you sometimes have to deny the short-term temptations, no matter how pleasant they may be, and focus on the long-term rewards.

Believing you’re defeated before you begin

A little bit of positivity can go a long way. Don’t destroy your own confidence before you’ve taken your first step. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and even if things don’t go to plan, it’s just an opportunity to learn and move forward. The Bible says that we can do all things in the strength that Jesus has given us, so have a little faith in yourself.

Living according to your assumptions rather than the facts

Have you ever imagined having an argument with someone, to the point where you became all angry over a discussion that only happened in your mind, and then were surprised when that person acted as though nothing was wrong? If you live based on your assumptions on how others feel or will react, you will always believe someone is upset with you, thinks badly of you, or considers you worthless, even when those things are only in your imagination and the reality is very different. Don’t allow your assumptions to write a story that isn’t true. Make sure you confront when you need to, but most importantly, keep an open dialogue going with those around you.

You can do it!

There are enough things in life that can hold you back and make your chances of success less likely, without you acting in a way that limits your ability to achieve your goals. The Bible tells us that God is for us and he wants us to live amazing, abundant lives. So instead of being a stumbling block for your own feet, remember that God is on you side and if you ask him, he can help you be everything you need to be.

4 things that prove a little can go a long way

Donna Burke

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June 9, 2016

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4 things that prove a little can go a long way

We live in an era in history where excess is fairly normal. Just take a look at Instagram or any other social media platform and you will see various individuals living large and indulging extravagant tastes whenever the whim hits. As freeing as this way of life may seem, the reality is that most resources, like many things, have a limit.

Less is sometimes more

Fortunately there are things in life that don’t require large amounts to make maximum impact. Like salt in food – you may not make use of much, but leave it out and you know it’s missing. A tiny amount makes an enormous difference. Here are a few things that for a small deposit deliver maximum impact.

Kindness: If you’ve ever smiled at someone at the checkout counter or made a point of saying thank you to someone in the service industry, you may have seen how a simple and small act of kindness can completely change the mood and tone of an encounter. Even the tiniest dose of kindness or compassion can make all the difference to the recipient. A small gesture can show someone that they are valuable, and that is priceless.

Encouragement: Having someone believe in you can be the difference between success and failure. A single word of encouragement can fan into flame the most timid confidence and inspire someone to reach further than they ever thought they possibly could.

Consideration: Showing someone that you have thought about them and their needs goes a long way. Considering someone else’s feelings promotes a sense of unity and mutual respect. It doesn’t take much but it certainly has the power to change a relationship.

Faith: Many people tend to think that to make any real impact or difference you need a large amount of faith, but contrary to this view the Bible tells us that the opposite is true. Jesus himself said that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed then nothing is impossible. The key to this is not so much about the size of your faith but in whom you are placing your faith. If your faith is in God, no matter how small it is, it has the power to see God do amazing things in your life and circumstances.

Donna Burke

One without the other

I see you

To know and be known

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