Monday, November 18, 2024
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Brett Fish

When movies fail to reflect

I love movies!

The first movie I remember seeing on the big screen was The Right Stuff which chronicled the first 15 years of the American space program.

I watched as Sam Shepherd depicted Chuck Yeager breaking the sound barrier, imagining it was me up in that jet. Later on I became the first man in space.

Another early movie I remember seeing as a young boy was Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The thrill of dodging the traps in the temple, replacing the treasure with the carefully weighted bag, and then the thrill (and horror) of being chased by a giant rock and not knowing how I was going to escape.

WHAT THEY SAW

Reflecting on Hollywood and the movies was actually one of the ways I learnt a significant aspect of understanding this thing called white privilege.

A lot of white people who actually make an effort to understand, tend to arrive at the definition of white privilege meaning that someone had more stuff than someone else (money, opportunity, possessions). While that can be true, it is not always so, and the movies helped me see it was a lot deeper (and darker) than just that.

You see, if we go twenty years ago, if you were a black person in the movies, chances are that you would either be the bad guy or the help. Those were your options as an actor and those were your potential identifying roles as a young person watching a movie. As a young black person growing up, I would have only been able to resonate with the character playing the villain or else the butler, maid, or slave. In extreme cases I might have been the third person, and token black friend, being killed in a slasher movie, but that was it.

Whereas I, as a white person, could be the president, the hero, the love interest, the scientist, the explorer, the captain, the pilot, and so much more. Let’s be honest, as a white person, in most movies I could identify with the person playing Jesus (a middle eastern man).

JUST HOW WRONG HAS IT BEEN

One article I recently read from the Huffington Post gave examples of 26 times that white people had played people of colour. While they were all pretty bad, some of the worst were Laurence Olivier as Othello , John Wayne as Genghis Khan (The Conqueror) and Mickey Rooney as Mr Yunioshi, a Japanese man (Breakfast at Tiffany’s).

It is not just black people who suffer this same fate as you can see from the list, but speaking from a South African context, this helped me understand that white privilege goes way beyond just the stuff we own, or don’t.

According to the article 75.2% of speaking roles in Hollywood go to white people. Less surprise then that the Oscars have not been able to nominate a single African-American over the last two years.

STOP. LOOK. LISTEN. HEAR.

Too many white people, when they hear terms like “white privilege”, “white fragility”, and “white supremacy” tend to run screaming for the hills, bolt the doors, and hide under their beds as if talking openly and honestly about these things might somehow cost them too much.

Hopefully something like the realisation i received from realising this simple yet devastating truth in the movies (and on tv, and in advertising, and so on) will cause more of us to stop and start to listen more and to try and understand. The race inequality rabbit hole goes down a lot deeper than most of us might have imagined and the only way we are ever going to turn things around is if we all start to pay attention and work together.

There is a lie that says that “whiteness is better than” and it has permeated so much of history in so many different forms of media. It’s time for us to stand together and say #NotOnOurWatch. Not any more. What can we do to begin to dismantle this?

How about you? Is this something you had already noticed? Was there anything in this article that you were hearing for the first time?  

Behind the mask of social media

Sometimes a mask is obvious.

“Scumbag322” making a typically racist comment after a blog post looking at mixed race relationships feels like an easy one to see.

When a troll can use an alias in a space with no  connection to their real name or photograph, it can turn nasty quite quickly.

But sometimes it can be even more surprising and devastating when it comes from someone you do know, and the comment or attitude is a lot more subtle, yet still divisive.

We tend to say things on social media that we would never ever say to someone else face to face.

BRAVERY OR ANONYMITY?

What is it about social media that gives many people a voice that doesn’t sound like their own? Is it possibly that the disconnect of there not being a real live person facing me, makes me feel like I can say what I’m really thinking? And if so, is the problem in how much I say online or that I don’t speak it out when I’m face to face?

When it comes to people who are trolling a post, then anonymity definitely seems to be the answer. If you’ve ever found yourself in a News24 comments section (before they cancelled them for this very reason) or in the comment sections on most posts relating to religion/sexuality/gender or politics you will read comments where you can’t even begin to imagine how someone had sat and typed the actual words you are reading.

But what about me? This is probably a question that will be answered differently by each one of us. The idea of being consistent in character and integrity both online and off.

BE WHO YOU ARE

Jesus was an excellent example of someone who was consistent in who He was. He never changed who He appeared to be to impress anyone, whether He was speaking to a Roman leader or a Samaritan woman at a well.

He definitely adjusted His voice and words depending on whether He was in the synagogue, or alone with His disciples, or preaching to the crowds. He understood His context really well and spoke accordingly in ways that would connect well and get the message through. But who He was didn’t change. Ever. Can you say that about yourself?

If you are someone who uses social media to try and be someone you’re not – whether through the words you use or the pictures you post – let me encourage you away from that. If people are attracted to a fake version of you, then you will have to keep that up to keep them interested.

Drop the mask. Be who you are. The people who you genuinely want to be your friends will appreciate that and will accept and love you for who you are.

Mourning has broken

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I miss my friend Rob.

Robert Lloyd, one of my best mates ever, lost a long battle with cancer in November last year aged just 33.

There’s no kind of blueprint in our culture for dealing with that. We don’t particularly like to talk about death. Or have a strategy for mourning. So when it happens we all show up and hug a lot (too much, sometimes) and bring a plate of goodies and say a bunch of terrible well-meaning things and then quietly slink away into the distance.

I think most cultures probably mourn death better than mine. Whereas in white western culture we seem to want the thing to be over with as quickly as possible, other cultures tend to really give a lot of focus and attention on the event with feasts, wakes, and celebrations which can go on for days.

I am 42 years old and Rob is the first close and significant person in my life to have died and so I am also just figuring this out day by day. There is no rule book for how this is meant to play out.

BV126

 

My biggest fear at the time was that I was going to forget him too quickly, but almost five months to the day, I now know that is not going to be a problem. I think about him every day. Rob filled a certain space in my life that no-one else quite fills in the same way and so he has definitely left a hole. So when it comes to the kind of conversations I would have had with him, I still have them and try to imagine what he would have said to me.

I guess if I had to give some advice to someone else who is about to go through this, I would encourage them to find their own ways of remembering. For example, Rob’s best man pic from my wedding is the background picture on my phone. It makes me both happy and sad at different times. Happy ’cause of remembering and celebrating what a champion he was. And sad ’cause I just completely miss him all over again.

I think we would do a lot better in life if we created more spaces to talk about death, to remember those who have gone before, and to celebrate the lives of our loved ones.

What does mourning look like to you? Share some thoughts in the comments section below.

Radically improve your life in one foolproof way

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We all want to improve our life, right?

In fact, if I sat you down right now with a paper and pen you could probably quickly come up with five to ten areas of your life you’d like to do better in. For most of us eating and exercise would be right up there. What would be on top of your list?

BE LIKE WIL

I just stumbled upon a blog post titled The March Reboot Check-In That Happened in April by Wil Wheaton. If you’re a trekkie you would likely be more familiar with the character Wesley Crusher that he played in the first four seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation, although his original breakthrough was playing Gordie in the hit movie ‘Stand by Me’ (1986) and more recently as a version of himself in the much loved The Big Bang Theory.

In the post, Wil describes the epiphany he had six months previously:

This thing that I’m doing? This series of choices I make every day? It isn’t working. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the things I’m doing. Things need to change.

He targeted seven areas he wanted to see change in:

  • Drink less beer
  • Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading)
  • Write more
  • Watch more movies
  • Get better sleep
  • Eat better food
  • Exercise more

The rest of the post is Wil giving himself a report card on how he has done in each area.

FIND YOUR INNER WILL

Now lists of ten things (or even seven) can feel overwhelming in the busyness many of us find ourselves in. And to be fair, I did only promise you one radical jump forwards.

A list like Wil’s is a great example of something to aim towards, but for today, for right now in this moment, as you are reading, I just want you to think of one. That’s right – just one area of your life that you want to improve. Let me give you two words to make it a little easier:

# Attainable

# Measurable

Too often, with lists like these or ideas like New Year’s Reso-lie-tions we think of “it would be nice” ideas rather than realistic goals. So start with one thing that you know you can do and that a week from now you can look back and measure to see if you did, and start there.

Take a moment right now to speak it out. If you’re in a room full of people and that will be a little weird for you then just let it be a metaphorical speaking but commit to something. Right now. Don’t think “this is a great idea for me to get to sometime” – it’s only one thing. Don’t leave this screen without committing to your one thing.

In fact, if you’re feeling brave, why don’t you leave a comment under this piece and tell us what your one thing is.

Mine is the commitment I made with my wife this last week to go for a 2km run or walk three mornings a week, and this morning was our third.

What is yours going to be? 

 

 

What’s your passion in life?

What is your passion in life?

If you were to meet me for the first time – say at the Singles table at a wedding where I came up with this many years ago – and I was to direct that question to you, what would your reply be?

WHAT MATTERS?

Nothing really mattress

I got really tired of falling into the routine of asking the traditional, “What do you do?” question when I met new people. For one, I didn’t really care. Be honest – we ask because it’s a programmed response or way to cover up an awkward silence. But someone’s job – especially when so many people hate their jobs – often isn’t that interesting.

But I also came up with a question that helped me get past awkward conversations and help dive to the heart of who this new stranger was. What are you passionate about?

Try it sometime. But be warned: it will freak people out. Because we are programmed to wait for and respond to, “What do you do?” So people I ask often stammer out a, “Um, I don’t know, I don’t really have a passion.” But press a little further, maybe with something like, “What gives you energy? What makes you really come alive when you are doing it?” Then you will start to get answers like “horse-riding” and “my cats” and “playing the guitar” and you are on your way.

But more often than not I have found that people respond with a deep passion. “I love spending time with children”; “I’m passionate about rescuing endangered species”; or “I really love helping people learn a new language.”

SET SOMEONE FREE

When people are brave enough to answer my question – which is now my go-to when meeting new people – I can usually read it in their face as well as their words. When people start speaking about their passion, they really do start to come alive.

I find that, “What do you do?” is a great follow-up question once you’ve established what someone’s passion is. Whenever the answers to both of those questions are the same, the life is palpable.

I remember when I was working as a youth pastor at a church and my boss asked me, “If you could be doing anything in the world right now, what would it be?” My response was, “This!” He really liked that. I know it’s not always possible to be doing the work that relates to your passion, and it is probably an indication of privilege if you get to make a choice like that. But if that choice does exist for you, why not pursue it.

Sometimes it has been asking that question to someone that has helped them figure out what they are passionate about in life. Which in some cases has actually got people thinking about the work they are doing and starting to make changes to head towards doing what their passion is.

Which brings us back to you. How would you answer that question? And is the answer to “What do you do?” the same as the passion question? And if not, is there something you could be doing that would create more space for you to be doing the thing that really brings you life and joy in abundance? 

Where did the Proteas go wrong (again)?

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My previous article on the T20 World Cup was titled, ‘Dare we hope?’ The answer – once again – was, “No. Don’t hope. Don’t even bother. It’s just going to all happen again.”

Without even needing to play our fourth game, we are once again on the proverbial plane headed home. The most resounding déjà vu in the sporting world, surely?

In the “Reasons to Dare Hope” column going in to the World Cup there would have been elements such as “Team contains AB de Villiers, and in-form Hashim Amla, a firing Quinto de Kock, and a finisher like David Miller, and more recently Wiese and Morris” as well as the bowling prowess of “Dale Steyn, Imran Tahir, and an on-fire Kagiso Rabada”. Add the fact that we were in the “easy group” facing England, West Indies, and Sri Lanka over the much more impressive New Zealand, Australia, and India, and it should have been a walk in the park.

In the “Reasons to not risk” column we have “we are the Proteas” – and turns out that little bit of information should have been enough.

JUST STOPPIT

I consider myself one of the Proteas’ biggest fans, but even this time feels like one too much for me. I barely know where to begin. Losing against England having scored a mammoth 229 could be dealt with if it was purely the excellence of their star players like Root, Stokes, and Buttler. But when you look at the 26 extras we sent down (to their four, a whopping four extra overs of balls) it is inexcusable. They just had to play disciplined cricket and they would have walked that one.

Almost getting blown away by the Afghanistan opening batsman, Shahzad, before crumbling against West Indies, meant that we had to rely on Sri Lanka beating England for us to progress. Which almost, but didn’t happen. And so our last game saw us needing to beat Sri Lanka so that we don’t leave a World Cup event having only beaten one associate team.

Just not good enough Proteas. Even this eternal optimist struggled to muster up any considerable belief.

TIL NEXT TIME

That feels like it could be the title of the Proteas team song – “Til Next Time” as we sigh deeply once more and wonder if we ever will live up to our incredible potential in a world event.

Pretty much everyone in the spectators chairs believe the coach needs to go, but for the most part we agree that give or take a player (where, oh where, is Ryan Mclaren?) we have the right men for the job. What seems to be constantly lacking is a plan, or at least one that looks like it is being kept to.

Proteas, our love/hate relationship will continue. I (and so many others) so desperately want you to do well and want to be fully supportive, but when you perform like this it is tough. No-one could have faulted Australia for being blown away by us in the 438 game those many years ago because we just played amazingly. But none of our opposition particularly did (despite some moments from England). We just (once again) handed game after game to our opponents like a sporting buffet and said, “Help yourselves.”

Where is the Protea Fire we keep on hearing about? 

Investing money in people over projects

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I love giving money away.

To be fair, I never quite have Bill Gates or Warren Buffett type amounts of money to pass on, but I do love opportunities to be generous with what I do have.

And I think that is largely because so many people have been generous to me in my life.

GIVING WELL

One of the ways society has got this a little wrong over the last couple of decades, I believe, is the creation of the middle man.

We give our money (and add to money other resources such as things, energy and time) to NPOs, charities, or churches and then expect them to pass it on to those in need. We have effectively distanced ourselves from those we are trying to help.

There was a saying I read in a book recently that said:

It’s not that the rich don’t like the poor, it’s that they don’t know the poor.

With the idea and understanding that if the rich and the poor come face to face and get to know each other, it will be a lot easier for the rich to give freely to the poor.

I feel the same way when it comes to matters of race, sexuality, xenophobia, cultural, and religious differences. When you are just debating an issue, it can be very easy to utter simplistic and even harsh statements with ease. But the moment the issue becomes a person, and especially if you get right up face to face with them, then suddenly everything changes.

WHERE DOES YOUR 10% GO?

I grew up in the church and the idea of the 10% tithe. Whenever you have any money, ten percent of it goes to the church.

But I soon found out that I preferred to give money directly to people. So instead of generally throwing some money in a plate or bag and never quite knowing where it got to (and knowing most of it likely went to pay for buildings, electricity, and salaries) I started giving to people.

A friend who was in need. A woman I know who was heading off to be a missionary in a foreign country. A family who didn’t have food for the coming month.

My wife tbV (the beautiful Val) and I found this a lot easier when we were in Americaland and worked with an organisation called Common Change (which she now heads up in South Africa). They brought groups of people together to pool resources and help meet needs of people they know. We are part of a group like that today and it has felt particularly freeing knowing exactly where our money is going and who is being helped.

START SOMEWHERE

For those of you who are already giving in some way, I am not suggesting you stop. Rather, for everyone reading this, I am suggesting you start with one person you know who has a need. Ask them if it is alright if you give something towards the need every month (maybe you have a group of friends you could pull in to do this together). Start with something small and see what other opportunities might open up to you.

At the moment tbV and I give to a person, to a family, to a group, and an organisation – so four very different needs. (We also have some people who have committed to giving us money every month so we can do the work we do). We believe that God helps direct us towards who we should give to and so we try to keep our money before Him and trust that He will prod us in the right direction.

Do you give? And if not, where are you going to start this week?

Rise of the Grandma Police

“I will meet you their.”

Suddenly sirens are blaring in the distance. Vehicles are dashing out of the way left right and centre (or is it center?). Somebody has committed the unforgivable online sin and the Grandma Police are on the way.

At least that’s what I call them. To everyone else (for now) they are known as the Grammar Police. And they are here to make sure you spell write. I mean right.

IT’S ABOUT USING THE RIGHT “ITS”

As someone who personally tends to shy away from capital letters (except for specific words) and make up my own words (which are often amalgamations of other known words) I find this a tricky one. I have a pretty great grasp of the English language and so my “mistakes” are typically on purpose. But as a writer and a blogger I also understand the need for good grandma. Sorry, grammar.

“I will meet you their” is probably the cardinal of errors and to be fair there are three options to choose from:

There – a place, as in, “I will meet you there.”

Their – possessive, as in “That is their cat.”

They’re – shortened form of “They are”, as in “They’re there with their cat.”

SO WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?

Does it really matter if the apostrophe in your “it’s” (shortened form of “it is”) goes wondering and it becomes “its” [possessive]?

Who cares if your principle (belief, value) shows up as your principal (headmaster of a school)?

Does it even matter? Why then, the need for a grammar police? And who gets to decide that they are them?

Well, as someone who writes, anything that distracts the reader from receiving the message you are trying to convey to them can be unhelpful. For exampad, if you reed a sentince that is ridled with splleing mis-steaks and incorrrect word usedage, you may have to go back and read it a couple of times to try and figure out what the writer was trying to seance.

While at other times it can dramatically affect the message. My most favourite example being:

Let’s eat grandma!

Let’s eat, grandma!

Commas save lives, people!

MORE LIKE SOCIAL ME-DIA!

As someone with a blog who writes regularly, I really appreciate it when someone notices an obvious mistake and points it out to me, because of the distraction thing.

But some people take it to extremes and it can seem to be more about them than about you as a person they are supposedly trying to help. That’s why I started calling it the “Grandma Police” with the idea of a nagging granny trying to get things to be the way they used to be.

For example, I have a friend called T who still insists that you should not end a sentence with a proposition, whereas that is something I just can’t be bothered with. (Ah, you see what I did there, T is crying into her tea as we speak). Officially it is an English rule, but personally I feel that it is outdated and when you do it “correctly” the sentence stops sounding like people speak. Which is a little weird.

THE GRAMMAR POLICE FORCE AWAKENS

As with most things in life, the answer is to probably try and find a balance. Take a moment to learn some of the grammar police infringements that annoy most of the people the most (probably the three biggest are their/there/they’re, its/it’s and also to/too/two) and start using the right words. Think of it as a labour of love.

For those of you who are writers, invite other writers to take a look at your work before you send it out to help you catch glaring errors you miss.

And any time someone’s Grammar Policing feels more grandma than helpful, find a fun cartoon like this one and stick it on their page, or go and write a sentence on their page that ends with a preposition. That’ll sort them out, with.

Cartoon

Marriage should not be a joke

“A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.”

My wife tbV [the beautiful Val] and I attended the marriage of our friend Ronel and her Jordanian found man, Hythem, on the weekend. It was an incredible outside ceremony at a beautiful wedding venue in George on South Africa’s Garden Route. Vows were made, petals were thrown, and competitive boulle was played as we waited for the couple to return from having their photographs taken. It was great.

Then it was on to the reception where I had the honour of being the Master of Ceremonies and the dangerous task of trying to navigate a roomful of guests through ten sets of speeches (half of which were by couples). Yes, ten? I know.

A CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER

My wife and I have been married for close to seven years and we would both highly recommend marriage to the right person. But we also both know that it has taken a lot of work and effort and tears and apologies and reconciliation and growth. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. Which is why I get so annoyed when people make jokes about marriage in which they take subtle digs or insult the husband or the wife but all in the name of humour. And it’s even worse when it happens at the wedding – which I have seen so many times.

What was stunning about this wedding was that through ten speeches (some by couples) not one person did this once. Hythem had asked the various people (mostly family and close friends) to share a story or memory of either himself or Ronel, and it was done to perfection. So much so that I didn’t even have to bring my prayer bowl gong (modelled on the Oscar ceremony speech music that gets louder and louder as people talk too long) into effect once as those speaking kept pretty much to their three minutes.

SPEAK LIFE

Even though it is “a joke” when you say something that pokes fun at marriage, you are creating the opportunity for a crack. “What if she really thinks that?” might be his response. “Does he really see me as a ball and chain?” might be hers. It creates the possibility for erosion or mistrust or adding to insecurity or worry that might already be there.

So how amazing was it to watch person after person grab hold of the mic and speak truth and love to this newly married couple? It was transforming. Some of the siblings had not had the closest relationships growing up and yet even in that they spoke life to their brother. It was cement for an already solid foundation, and one of the most powerful speech times I have been witness to in recent years.

WORTH FIGHTING FOR

In a world where marriage is so much under attack from so many different places, where the divorce rate is soaring and people are really struggling to stay together well, how about we choose to do everything we can to be cheerleaders for marriage. To fight for marriage. To lift it up and honour it and stand alongside those who are venturing into it and saying, “We are with you in this. We want to see you succeed.”

All deaths matter. But do some matter more?

In my home city Cape Town over the last two weeks, two murders have made the headlines: those of 19-year-old Sinoxolo Mafevuka and 16-year-old Franziska Blöchliger.

It is important to state up front that both events – Franziska, who was killed while jogging in the Tokai Forest, and Sinoxolo, whose body was found in a Khayelitsha community toilet – are tragedies. There should be no way you can measure one life as worth more than another. Families, friends and whole communities have been shaken.

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

At the same time, it does seem important to be able to make some observations of how both the deaths were handled, as they tend to raise some larger questions.

I attended a vigil in memory of Sinoxolo in Khayelitsha which had maybe twenty people from outside of Khayelitsha and then perhaps thirty or more from the township, gathered at the place where her body was found.

In many ways it was a pathetic and heart-wrenching sight to see three or four bouquets of flowers leaned up against the dirty metal toilet door with water running out from beneath it and forming a pool in the sand outside.

For Franziska, hundreds if not thousands of people turned up as the local communities and social media mobilised people and there was the sight of literally hundreds of bunches of flowers, cards and pictures being left in the forest.

POOR LIVES MATTER

While there might be many complex reasons for the different communities responding in the ways they did, it doesn’t stop there. Media reporting, police involvement, and social media engagement all showed a bias to one case over the other.

Three arrests were made within 48 hours of Franziska dying, while days after Sinoxolo’s death, they were still waiting for a police docket to be opened. The Blöchliger family had been offered police counselling while the Mafevuka family received no such invitation.

When I write a phrase like “Poor Lives Matter” I am not suggesting for a moment that rich lives do not matter. By looking at how the world operates it is so obvious that that is the case. But too often it is the poor and marginalised who do not get the attention, focus and resources they deserve.

Because Sinoxolo’s death is seen as “just one more death in the township where people die regularly,” it becomes easier for us to dismiss or pay less attention to.

THIS CANNOT GO ON

Recently, I joined a march to the police station in Harare to demand that the police give proper attention to Sinoxolo’s case. This time there were less outsiders, but it was exciting to see locals showing up in their hundreds. We were greeted with the news that two arrests had been made in her case. There is now hope that justice can be done for Sinoxolo and her family as well.

As a follower of Jesus, I am called to love my neighbour as myself. And I am told that to be a good neighbour is to show mercy on someone in need, regardless of who they are to me. As people of God we have to be in the places others refuse to go and to be reaching out to the people who are most ignored and pushed to the side. For the future of our country and the kingdom, we have to get better at this.

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