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Don’t touch me on my parenting

Brett Fish
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Don’t touch me on my parenting

Well that just happened.

A friend of mine tagged me in a post of this picture on Facebook, knowing that I would probably have some words.

Parenting quote

I did, and they were not all that well received.

But then I decided to do an experiment and posted this on my Facebook wall and invited comment. Again, the internet exploded just a little.

RIGHT MESSAGE, WRONG VEHICLE

I think the point the author was trying to make here is about unsolicited or asked for parenting advice. Which a lot of people seem to have for parents, especially new parents. And seem to hand out freely without it often being requested, or particularly wanted. And it can often come across as quite judgemental.

I completely get that.

But what offends me about this quote is that it insinuates that people who do not have children of their own have absolutely nothing to add when it comes to ideas on raising children well.

Despite the fact that I  was a child with parents. And that I studied primary school teaching. And that I have lived with people who have children and so have seen their parenting styles from close up. And so on.

So I get the point and I think it’s a valid one – don’t give people advice about raising their children unless you have either been asked to do so, or you have earned the right to speak due to close relationship proximity with them. And even then, tread gently.

SOME CONCLUSIONS

After allowing a whole bunch of comments and engaging with a number of them, this is my conclusionary status that I posted:

Turns out parents very clearly have studios.

I really enjoyed most of the engagements around what I still think is an awful parenting comment (right point, wrong vehicle) and so thank you to everyone for engaging.

I definitely feel I must apologise for the definition of parenting as ‘sticking things in things’ as that excludes adoptive parents and while my point was still completely valid, it was an awful exclusion to make – I have so much time and respect for adoptive parents who often get unfairly treated or judged for a number of stupid insensitive reasons.

I also really loved what my friend Lisa had to say:

As a new parent I feel judged a lot more by other parents than non and I do often find myself judging others as much as I try not to, knowing it is hard and everyone’s tools and life realities are different (barring things like destructively permissive parenting). For me it should be more like, if I have a relationship with you and you come alongside me and speak the truth in love, parent or no I will eat the meat and choose to spit out the bones. If you are not in a relationship with me and your “advice” comes off judgy, then substitute “non parent” with “person who hasn’t earned the right to opine in my life” above.”

Oh and what Road said:

having lived with people, when things are hitting the fan, and my perspective is clouded and my patience severely limited, I value the perspective that the objectivity (and less tested patience) of those ‘outside’ of the situation bring. But the grace with which one brings perspective is crucial!! And this has been thoroughly appreciated by us, and makes advice an encouragement rather than possibly feeling like a criticism.

And Jessie too:

“Although I am not myself a parent, I was indeed parented, for many years in fact. This gives me a whole lotta insight into what works and what just screws a child up.”

# The bottom line for me is that this meme is talking to unsolicated advice and I think that’s key and where a lot of the pain for parents comes from – do people without children have anything to add/offer/be asked about? Absolutely and there is no doubt in my opinion. But should you ever give it without being asked? No, I don’t think so unless you have the strong relationship to be able to do so in love and even then that would need to be a hugely sensitive endeavour. But this also goes especially for parents too. It’s more the unsolicited advice than where it comes from I would imagine…

Is all. Let’s keep it real people and remember that being a parent is an incredible thing – so important and crucial and vital and impossible to do without some kind of outside support and cheering on and babysitting and date night money and so on…

As you were.

FINAL WORDS ON PARENTING

I do absolutely believe that being a parent is one of the hardest things to do well in the world. But I also love the idea that ‘a village raises a child’. Having watched some of the parents I know, they need all the help they can get, not because they are particularly bad at it or anything but because it is tough and tiring and demanding and confusing and there is absolutely no one-size-fits-all manual of how this thing works as each child and parent and context is completely different.

We can learn from each other, but we each journey our own journey on this planet. How much more so if we have chosen to be parents.

What are your thoughts on the quote above? Agree or disagree? And if you are a parent do you have any stories to share of unsolicited advice?

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Before you judge someone…

Brett Fish
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Before you judge someone…

I was driving from Cape Town to Port Elizabeth a few years ago and stopped to fill up with petrol. I was quite peckish so I went into the shop, bought a newspaper and a box of biscuits and went outside and found a table to relax at.

Shortly after that an older man asked if he could join me at the table and I said, “Of course!”

As I looked back at the newspaper article I’d been reading, the old men reached over, grabbed my box of biscuits and proceeded to open them. He reached in, took a biscuit and started munching on it.

I was completely taken aback. How rude! I reached across and grabbed a biscuit, half glared at the man, to let him know, and proceeded to eat is as I continued to read. The old man smiled at me and once he had finished his biscuit he reached across, grabbed another one out of the box and started eating it.

By now I didn’t know what to do. His behaviour was really starting to get to me. I grabbed another biscuit out of the box which lay between us, smiled a sarcastic smile at him and proceeded to eat.

This continued until the whole box was finished. The old man continued to smile at me while saying nothing, and munch his way through half of my biscuits.

When he was done, he stood up, grabbed the empty box, wished me “Good Day” and walked over to the bin and threw the box away.

I was now fuming on the inside and so I grabbed the rest of my newspaper that was sitting on the seat next to me, only to see that my unopened and very much full box of biscuits was still there, completely untouched.

SLOW TO JUDGE

This is not actually a story that happened to me but versions of it seem to have been around for many years. I have heard it told twice as if it were an actual account and I read about it in Douglas Adams’ novel, “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish” (1984) although apparently it had been around in other versions even before that.

The reason the story strikes me and perhaps why it keeps surfacing in different places is because it speaks of how wretched my heart can be at times. I see something that doesn’t make sense to me (or maybe makes too much sense) and I jump to a conclusion and make a judgement, only to find out later that I didn’t have all the facts.

This story and my seeing of myself in it, reminds me a lot of Jesus. Or more importantly, the opposite of Jesus. There were often people around Him who were being judged by everyone – women who were not considered important in those times; children who were even less so; lepers who were banished outside of the town because they made everything ‘unclean’; a woman who is caught in adultery; a tax collector… even a Roman official who Jesus’ disciples would have likely judged.

Yet, each time, Jesus sees something deeper than anyone else and responds by inviting these people to come close. He plays with the children, He encourages the women, He touches the leper, He has a meal with the tax collector, He heals the servant of the Roman and so on.

SEE THE POTENTIAL

The Bible tells us to “be slow to anger” and “in your anger do not sin” and yet I feel that from Jesus’ example we could also add, “Be slow to judge” and “Don’t let judging cause you to sin.”

A helpful way to help us to avoid making quick unnecessary judgements is to take time to listen better and also to ask questions when we don’t understand why someone is acting the way they are.

Plato once said: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 

I think that is true. It’s not always the same battle. But there is always something else going on. Slow things down before rushing to anger and see if there is not some other explanation or perspective available.

Next time you feel anger rising about something a person near to you has said or done, take a moment to remember the example of Jesus and to look a little deeper. Who knows what you might discover? Maybe even more than just an extra box of biscuits.

Friends you go deep with

Brett Fish
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Friends you go deep with

Last night my friend Mary Twin came to dinner.

Mary is back home in South Africa on a visit from Germany where she is currently working, and volunteered to make my wife Val and myself a vegetarian meal. So we quickly agreed.

I know Mary from when she, and her twin sister Nancy, were young high school girls in a youth group I led probably fifteen years ago and now they are two of my good friends. We’ve missed her as she has been gone for about seven months now and so it was obvious that we would end up hanging out with food and music and some form of good chocolate (Yum!)

HOP TOPICS

We didn’t sit down beforehand and decide what we would talk about, in fact if we had it is more than likely that we would not have ended up talking about all of the following things:

Abortion, nazis, Trump, public transport, juvenile prisoner rehabilitation, dementia, Brexit, veganism, race, being evicted, parenting, homosexuality, political correctness, sustainable farming, sweatshops, ethics of clothes, and animal cruelty.

It’s quite a list and I am probably leaving one or two things out.

We enjoy lots of laughs, we often play board games, we can get up to superficial silly fun, but we can also get deep and have intense fulfilling conversations.

BOTH/AND

Probably five hours of conversation including a meal being made and consumed made up our time together. And it was such a great catch up. And we ended talking about different comedy shows we were enjoying. There really was a bit of everything.

The reason I wanted to write about this today is that I don’t think this is always the case. There are various people and sometimes groups of friends who can so easily get caught up discussing things on a superficial level, and it never gets beyond that.

While I don’t want to suggest an either/or approach at all, I would encourage you to make sure that you are friends with the kinds of people who can have conversations like this. And that you are intentional creating spaces where discussing world issues on a deeper level becomes a more natural thing.

If, when you get together with your friends, your conversation only ever touches on music, movies, sport and food then I think you might be missing out.

CONVERSATION THAT CHANGES YOU

What helps when you start diving into deeper conversations is having people who love you but don’t think the same as you. There are many areas that Mary Twin and I agree strongly on, but also some that we think very differently about. She is a vegetarian dabbling with veganism and we are one week on one week off meat consumers who are dabbling with better sources of food. This means that when we dive into a topic, there is opportunity to grow and learn and be challenged.

Social media can be a dangerous place to air a view (any view – everything you believe is guaranteed to offend at least one person, usually more). But sitting around a meal with people you care about, is one of the best places to dig a little deeper and share your views with each other.

If these kinds of conversations are not something that you have experienced much of, the best way to start is to host one. Invite friends who think differently to a meal at your house and see how the conversation goes. You can even be a little intentional and have some ideas of the topics you might want to discuss. But you don’t want it to feel too formal or like a meeting. So mostly just see how it goes.

At the end of the evening, the idea  is not that everyone leaves thinking exactly the same about every topic of conversation that has been engaged. But the hope is that everyone has been challenged in the way they think about something and that they will continue to think further as they leave your house. Maybe even that some changes will occur in different peoples’ lives.

How about you? Would you say deep conversations are the norm when you get together with your friends? Or is this something that might need a little more work and cultivation to see it happening? 

When Christianity and Science collide

Brett Fish
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When Christianity and Science collide

Follow Jesus or be involved in social justice… Believe in God or choose Science? Why are we so desperate to make people choose?

The first ever Justice Conference in South Africa is going to be taking place in just 15 days time.  The primary question they are going to be exploring is the link between Jesus and Social Justice and the realisation that you really can’t separate the two effectively. It’s true – you can follow Jesus and be involved with social justice.

The science question has been a similar one. There has been strong thought in some spaces that you have to choose either God or Science.

Science is the study of things, or to put it a little more academically:

the intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment.

So if there is a God and if He is a God who created the Universe, then surely Science is simply the study of the created things that God has made?

FOLLOWERS OF JESUS ARE ALLOWED TO USE THEIR BRAINS

Christianity has often been accused of being all about feeling, whereas Science is seen more as the logical, rationale, thinking.

Christians have not always been the biggest help when it comes to breaking this misconception. When someone disagrees with an opinion a Christian has on social media, the response will often be, “But the Bible says so” – end of story. They couldn’t tell you where the Bible says so but they have a vague idea that it’s in their somewhere and so the blanket answer tends to make other people stop pressing any deeper.

But if you do start to think about the ways of the Universe and the ideas of Science, could it be possible that both can stand alongside each other and maybe even confirm and back each other up?

Can you imagine what it might start to look like if followers of Jesus came up with better answers than, “Just because” or “I read it somewhere” or else a badly quoted likely out-of-context verse?

THE GREATEST COMMAND IS TO THINK

When Jesus was asked what the most important command in the Scriptures was, this is how He responded:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” [Matthew 22.37]

We have all heard about the heart and soul and even strength (that is found in another verse) but that little word at the end sometimes gets away from us.

Love the Lord your God with all your mind.

Wow, that is a game changer right there.

It seems like God, through Jesus, was giving us permission to use our minds. Even strongly encouraging it.

This is what I’ve come to realise. Being a person of faith does not mean disengaging from my brain. Rather it means we engage more deeply by connecting our understanding and experience with our faith and the knowledge we find in scripture. And then engage more authentically with those around us and show them we really know what we’re talking about.

WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW IT ALL

I’ve also discovered three words that really help me engage a lot more deeply when Science people are challenging my Christianity ideas. The words are, “I don’t know” and it is okay to use them.

It is completely okay not to know something. But it doesn’t help when we refuse to acknowledge that when it is the case or if we let that be the final statement on the thing. “I don’t know the answer to your question right now, but I will try and find out from someone who does.” That is a great response.

I have a friend Sean who reads Bible commentaries for fun and when it comes to theology he is one of the guys I turn to. My friend Mahlatse is studying African Philosophy and so can engage on that from a Christian perspective. And so on. It is an act of strength to acknowledge ignorance but then refuse to stay in that state. When I don’t know something I ask until I know it a little better.

SCIENCE AND JESUS COMBINED

If you are someone who has been put off Christianity because you don’t think it embraces Science, I encourage you to reconsider.

Discover some Christ-following people who are also well respected in the Science communities, who also believe that it is possible to have both.

Endeavour to search for a faith that doesn’t just allow but commands you to use your mind when approaching God.

 

Maybe we should rename it Social Needia

Brett Fish
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Maybe we should rename it Social Needia

What is your relationship with Social Media like?

I received a very interesting message on Facebook today. In a nutshell a friend of mine (Facebook friend, so not someone I actually know that well) had a big bag of money and was looking for a good cause or a person or family to support and did I know anyone?

Thoughts of the latest strategic Settlers of Catan type board game aside, I gave it a little bit of thought. One name popped to mind and my wife provided the name of another woman who is doing amazing things in terms of gathering people and resources together for the purpose of meeting some restitution type needs. So I connected the two of them and they are going to make it happen.

I love how Social Media can be worked for the good of many.

THE TOOLS EFFECTIVENESS DEPENDS ON THE HAND

I have written before about the brilliance of Common Change groups as a means of getting creative about how we do generosity. But even before we get there, we can totally use Social Media to the advantage of the masses.

I don’t always have the resources of money necessary to meet the needs that I come across, but I generally know people that do. So when Rachel reached out to me, there were instantly names popping into my head and conversations started and connections made.

One thing I have been doing, to try and better my knowledge of my country’s history, (having grown up in apartheid South Africa and learned a very skewed account) is to read books by African writers or people writing specifically into the African story. The best way I have found these books is by sending out a Facebook status asking what the best books to read are, and once I have chosen my next one, to find someone who has a copy of the book they can lend me.

When some mates who do extra maths lessons at a school in Langa were a few people short the one week, they took to social media and I volunteered along with some others to help fill in for their regular crew.

That is the beauty of social media. It can easily be used as a source of crowd-funding. Because often people have the resources or the time or the skills or the spare bedroom or the lying-around-lawnmower or surfboard and all you have to do is ask.

WHEN SOCIAL MEDIA ROCKS

My wife and I have had people loan us a car for a few days and another time for a couple of weeks. We have found camping gear and a braai and use of a surfboard and a whole lot of books.

But even better than that is when I can use Social Media to call out a request or need for a friend. Someone is studying and needs a textbook or a house burned down and we are looking to help the family get on their feet again or a couple are about to get married and could use a photographer or a cake maker and so on…

A lot of people have the impression that Social Media is evil and it can be.

A lot of people have the impressions that Social Media is good and it can be.

The bottom line is that your Facebook and Twitter, your Instagram and YouTube plus all the new ones that come out every couple of weeks or months are simply tools. They are not inherently good or evil. But they can all be used for either.

Which leaves us with the question: How intentional and active are you at using your social networks for good? 

Whether that means connecting with people who might be lonely or celebrating people’s birthdays who live far away; whether that is by sharing helpful article and video resources that you have stumbled upon or by group-funding a worthy cause or project; or a whole host of other things.

How about you? What are some of the ways you have seen or experienced Social Media being used well to encourage or uplift or fund or grow? Share some stories in the comments below.

What if God removed all suffering?

Brett Fish
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What if God removed all suffering?

The prevalence of suffering in the world makes a lot of people think that there is no God.

But bear with me for a moment and let’s work that through to its logical conclusion for a moment and see what happens.

WHAT IF GOD DIDN’T ALLOW SUFFERING?

Let’s imagine a world where God doesn’t allow suffering at all. What does that look like?

A friend of mine from school was killed on his 18th birthday when he went out for a cycle and was run over by a drunk driver.

If God doesn’t allow suffering then would that mean the guy wouldn’t have been allowed to drive drunk or that he would have been able to drink until just before he was drunk and then suddenly not been able to drink any more? And if that’s the case and it takes one person six beers to get drunk, but another person just one glass of wine, then how does that play out in a bar?

One person happily drinking away while another person has been stopped after their first drink. What do you think people’s response would be to God in that scenario?

THE END OF SPORT

If you watch or listen to football supporters, a lot of them seem to actually undergo some form of suffering (albeit emotional) when their team loses. So a world without suffering means no more losing teams. Which means a whole lot of drawn games. And no real point to sport any more.

Or is sport ‘suffering’ okay but drunk driving suffering not okay? And who gets to make those calls?

Is it okay for someone to still step on a piece of Lego with their bare foot in the middle of the night? Is it not okay for someone to be turned down for a date by the person they are crushing on who doesn’t like them back?

THE PLACE OF SUFFERING

So if we take a logical progression journey to this suffering thing, it tends to get a little complicated really quickly. We would have to define what suffering is and what suffering we are okay with and what needs to go. Because with the dating example above, to completely remove suffering would mean to remove all relationships, right?

What about suffering that is there for our good? The natural human body response of pain when we touch a stove that is on that makes us instinctively pull away so that we don’t seriously hurt ourselves. The ache or pain that tells us we need to go to a doctor because something we can’t necessarily see is wrong with us and needs to be looked at.

BLESSED ARE THE ROBOTS FOR THEY WILL SUFFER NOT

In fact, the only way I can see suffering completely removed from the picture is if we do away with personal choice as well – which we often call free will. As long as people have free will, we are going to continue to hurt each other in different ways. So the alternative really is that we become robots and all of our choices are made for us. I’m not so sure many of us would go for that option, because that changes living to existing and it’s just not the same thing.

Which brings me back to God. One of my favourite verses in the Bible comes from a Psalm that King David wrote – Psalm 34 – and the whole Psalm is pretty amazing so go and read it, but in particular I want to focus here on verse 18:

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those whose spirits are crushed.

Take a moment to think through those two spaces:

  • Someone who has had their heart broken
  • Someone who has had their spirit crushed

Is there truly any place lower than either of those that we can find ourselves? Any place of greater suffering? I don’t think so.

And yet the message of the Bible is not that God will remove the bad stuff that is happening (which I think a lot of us would love to see happen a lot of the time), but that He will be with us in those times. 

God promises us that when suffering hits, He will show up. He will give us the strength to get through it. No matter what we face, we never have to do it alone.

Is all suffering caused by God? I don’t believe that. And I’ve been around people for too long to know that the majority of suffering is caused by us and our selfishness or greed or pride or desire to be on top. But regardless of where the suffering comes from, it is God’s word that says, ‘You do not have to face that alone.’

When I look back at different areas of suffering I have experienced I can see that to be true. There are certainly some of them (the death of my best friend Rob, to cancer just over a year ago) that I would have loved to see God intervene in a more direct and miraculous way. But he didn’t.

I can say with conviction though, that I never had to go through any of those times by myself. In different ways I experienced God and His love for me and His promise that we would get through it together.

In a world where suffering is an almost daily expectation or reality for most of us in some form or other, don’t you think it makes some kind of sense to reach out to the One who promises to be there for you when that happens? 

Live simply that others may simply live

Brett Fish
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Live simply that others may simply live

What does it mean to live simply? Surely different things to different people.

For some it is choosing to go for a drive in the BM rather than the Jag and for others it is eating the same meal day in day out because it’s all you can afford.

I live in South Africa and I recently came across some statistics that suggest that in my home nation the income from white households on average is around 4.8 times that of black households.

That blows my mind and obviously it is averages which can be skewed by the very rich and the very poor, but still it is indicative of a greater plight.

CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR SIMPLY

I do think this is an area that each one of us would do well to look at individually. Because our context might define some of what that simply looks like.

If you are a lawyer, for example, you may have to spend more on clothing than if you were a freelance writer (where pajamas are king!) If you are a musician or a photographer then your instruments and work tools will carry a certain cost that other people might not have.

Also most decisions affect other decisions, so if you choose to only travel by public transport and not have a car, then you are typically going to increase the time it takes you to get places. So, in this case the decision to own a car might enable you to live more simply by giving you the time to achieve other things of importance. Wheels within wheels (as if this stuff is ever simple, right?)

MAKE YOUR DECISIONS UP FRONT

One of the easiest examples to look at is where you choose to live. Some people don’t really have much choice on that one but this article is more directed at the people with the money.

One way of living simply is to live in an area with lower rent. When Val and I were looking for a place to stay in Cape Town, one of our priorities was that we didn’t want to live in an area of just white people. Which actually helped in terms of the kinds of rent we were then looking at. We spent six months trying to find a place to rent so we didn’t necessarily land up in a place of diversity that would be our number one pick, but having it as a key priority helped us shift our mindset in terms of areas we looked at.

If you are spending a whole lot of money on rent, then consider moving to a different area where you will pay less, probably have a greater diversity of people around you and free up money to do other things.

SIMPLY EAT

Food is another one that we tend to spend a lot of money on and food prices seem to be rising all the time. We try to shop at cheaper stores and typically go with no-name brands and are intentional most of the time with what we do and don’t buy.

We won’t get the cheapest coffee necessarily cos there is some sense of taste in that, but we definitely will  not get the most expensive. Our cheap will be someone else’s luxury and our expensive will be someone else’s scrimping.

We have also started growing some of our own food (my wife predominantly is the one proving she has that gift!) and are using food clubs where food has been locally sourced for much of it. Again, decisions like choosing organic or free range or locally produced might be trading one value (cheapest) for another (good products) and so it is constantly a juggle between what you can, and what you want to do.

HOW MUCH DOES CHANGE CHANGE YOU?

I guess for most people, the tell is when change happens in some way. If you get an increase in money, does your standard of life dramatically change? Are you buying those things because you now can, or do you buy the things you have chosen to buy because they fit in with your values or needs?

Questions about insurance and health insurance (we don’t have either) can become quite key here and a stronger sense of community and safety net is going to have to come into play if you don’t have or can’t afford those.

Being part of a gym or exercising on the street could be another question. But in some cases you might have to factor safety in there as well and for some people, the gym option becomes more attractive from that way of looking at it.

CHOOSE TO LIVE SIMPLY

The point of this article is not for me to give you a list of what living simply does and doesn’t mean. But it is to challenge you to give it some thought. To not be changed simply because you have more funds available. To decide on values as a person or couple or family and then strive to live those out.

A big part of our money situation is making sure that we are supporting others (and we have people who give generously to us at the same time). We support an individual and a family and an organisation in different ways. The more money you free up by living simply within your context, hopefully the more money this frees up to stand behind other people in theirs.

Maybe it is helping a student get their university degree or get out of debt. Perhaps it is giving an amount to a newly married couple to pay for them to have a date night once a week or month. Maybe it is a decision about the kind of work you do that frees up some time to be able to volunteer somewhere or give extra lessons to a learner.

There are so many opportunities for us to really live well together, but we need to start in front of the mirror. What are the luxuries that I am embracing which mean that other people are not being helped and supported?

I think if everyone took these questions seriously, then we would soon be seeing serious change in the lives and communities around us.

Do my doubts cancel out my beliefs?

Brett Fish
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Do my doubts cancel out my beliefs?

“I would like to believe, but I have too many doubts.” Is that something you’ve ever said or thought.

This Christianity thing seems like a good idea, but I’m just not convinced, you know. And more like that.

Which is where Faith comes in.

Now a lot of people see Faith as stepping off the edge of a cliff and hoping for the best. With no real reasoning behind it.

But I don’t see faith like that at all, and I’m not sure God does either.

THE OPPOSITE OF FAITH

If I had to ask you what the opposite of faith was, what would you say? I imagine that many people would suggest that would be ‘Doubt’. But I don’t think that’s true. And here’s why.

My suggestion for the opposite of Faith would be Certainty. If I am absolutely certain about something, then surely there is no need for me to have Faith, right? Faith has to be present because there is some measure of doubt and uncertainty present. 

The Bible tells us that a definition of Faith is this:

‘Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.’ [Hebrews 11.1]

Can you see it there? Something we hope for but don’t yet have. Something we cannot yet see. It’s holding on to a belief because the reality hasn’t presented itself yet.

I BELIEVE, HELP ME OVERCOME MY DISBELIEF

There is a story involving Jesus in the Bible where a father brings his son to Jesus. The son has been possessed by  a spirit, which among others things has made him unable to speak and it has a habit of harming the boy.

The disciples have already tried and failed to help the boy and so Jesus really is his last resort. In a moment of absolute desperation he says to Jesus, “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

Jesus responds in this way: “If you can? Anything is possible for one who believes.”

The line that follows is one of the most powerful lines in the Bible and certainly has been the hugest encouragement to me:

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” [Mark 9.24]

That for me is Faith. It’s a belief that wrestles with uncertainty, to prove itself certain.

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

That statement represents my weak and struggling faith, especially over the last two years. I do believe in God and follow Jesus, or try to, with all my heart, soul, strength and mind. But at the same time, in the moment, when the desperation is real, He sometimes feels far away and it becomes a little harder to believe.

Which is when my faith kicks in. Confidence in what I hope for and assurance of what I don’t yet see. 

And that is what helps me to keep on. Because it is often in the times of desperation when doubts are jostling for center stage that I do encounter Jesus. In a moment of quietness He reaches out to me and reminds me that, “Anything is possible for one who believes.”

How about you? You might not be in a place where you have complete faith in God yet, but a good place to start is by handing over your doubts to Him and asking to help you with your unbelief. I can guarantee you that a life lived with God in faith while wrestling with the doubts that come up along the way, is one well lived.

 

How to disagree well on social media

Brett Fish
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How to disagree well on social media

Ever have someone post something on social media that you disagree with? If the answer is “Never!” then I’m not sure you’re using social media properly.

The truth is, with the freedom of opinions these days (especially post Trump’s victory in America) there are going to be things you disagree with in front of your eyes most of the time. If you want to spend your time commenting on every single thing you disagree with, you are not going to have time to lead any kind of healthy and responsible life.

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

But what if something someone says really makes you angry. Maybe you felt that it was racist or sexist? Perhaps the person was joking about something you don’t feel jokes should be made about, like rape or a bunch of people dying?

Is there a time when you should jump in and how do you do it well?

RELATIONSHIP HELPS

I had two interactions on Facebook this morning. One was from a friend of a friend who I’m not actively even really friends with any more. They took issue with a status I had written and wrote me a private message to tell me how and why they thought I was wrong.

The second came from a friend of mine, someone who I deeply respect and have had a lot of conversations with. He felt like a video I had shared and a comment I had made was out of line. Instead of telling me I was wrong (like the first guy did) he actually asked me a few questions to try to understand why I had posted it.

Both of these rebukes/challenges made me think about my actions. I wrote a long message back to the first guy explaining some of my reasoning behind the post and why I disagreed with him. I wrote a shorter message to the second guy thanking him for his concerns and explaining some of my reasoning, which I realised had not been as strong as it could have. Although he hadn’t asked me to, I decided to delete the video, because I had not given it enough thought and didn’t have as strong a reason to post it as I thought I did.

Two different scenarios but the one was helped immensely by the fact that I had a relationship with the guy. I could have still decided that the first guy was right and deleted that post, but because we don’t have any relationship to speak of, his words carried a lot less weight. I weighed them up and disagreed with him and explained why.

WHEN SOMEONE SINS AGAINST YOU

So relationship helps, but I don’t think you should only challenge people if you have a relationship with them. If you don’t though, you generally need to be a little bit more careful, because you don’t have that person’s natural trust.

In the Bible, Jesus actually gives a helpful piece of advice when it comes to conflict between people.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’  If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” (Matthew 18.15-17)

What is interesting though is that Jesus often didn’t seem to follow His own advice. We see Him challenging the Pharisees publicly as well as Peter, James and John, His own disciples, who He had a good relationship with.

The difference as I see it is this. If someone has done something that has hurt you and only you, then it’s a great principle to approach them as Jesus says above.

But if the person has done something that has affected a lot of people publicly, then sometimes it is better to deal with it publicly.

THE CROWDS NEED TO KNOW

If someone makes a joke about rape in their status on Facebook for example, I don’t think that’s okay (ever!). I could message that person a private message and ask them to remove it, but so many people have probably already seen it, that it actually might require a public statement. That for me is the difference.

When the Pharisees were being hypocrites, Jesus wanted the crowds to know and understand that their words and failure to live them out were a big problem. So he challenged them publicly.

So first things first, when someone does something that offends you online, ask if it is just between you and them and if so, message them directly.

If something has happened that affects more people and requires a public response, then try figure out the kindest way to do that.

Whichever way you choose to deal with conflict, another helpful principle from the bible is that of ‘Speaking the Truth in Love’. Remember that more important that winning an argument or being right is to try to establish a good relationship with the person involved and come up with the best resolution together.

An anger so attractive

Brett Fish
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An anger so attractive

The mention of anger is not something you would expect to attract you to a person.

But as I was preparing a talk I am giving tonight to a bunch of school kids on ‘Righteous Anger’ I found that it did. When it comes to Jesus, strangely enough, the way he interacted with anger is very different from most people.

THINGS THAT SHOULD MAKE YOU ANGRY

I started by finding some stories of situations that might make a lot of people angry but didn’t have the same effect on Jesus.

One example was when a young rich man came up to Jesus to ask how he could follow him. Jesus had a bit of a conversation with the young man and set the bar a little high for him (sell all your stuff and follow me) and the man walked away disappointed. Instead of seeing Jesus get angry at this rejection, the one emotion we are shown in this story is that Jesus looked at the man and loved him (Mark 10.21)

Another story you might expect to bring about anger is when Jesus gives a teaching that is quite difficult and whole crowds of people turn away from him (John 6.66). Yet he continues his teaching with the disciples that chose to stay.

A third time was when the crowd brought a woman who had been caught in adultery before Jesus. A sinner who had been caught sinning. Surely Jesus will get angry then? But instead he utters the line ‘You who are without sin, cast the first stone.’ As the crowds slowly slink away and Jesus is left with the woman, he looks at her and with compassion says to her, ‘I don’t condemn you. Go and sin no more.’ (John 8.11)

Finally we see Jesus crucified in one of the most cruel and vicious ways the world has ever created to kill someone. Surely now we will see it? But even more surprisingly, not only do we not see Jesus get angry, but he utters those transformative words, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.’ (Luke 23.34)

After reading through those stories and others and seeing how Jesus didn’t respond with the expected anger or extreme disappointment, I was even more attracted to him as a great leader than ever before.

THINGS THAT DON’T MAKE US ANGRY

On the other side of the coin, there were some more surprising times when Jesus does get angry.

When two of his followers, James and John, ask if Jesus will let them sit on either side of him when he becomes king, he doesn’t respond politely. (Mark 10.41)

Later when Peter, another disciple, tries to change Jesus’ mind about the path he says he has to take, Jesus responds strongly. His actual words are, ‘Get away from me Satan. You have in mind the things of man and not of God.’ (Matthew 16.23)

On another occasion Jesus is in the temple on the sabbath and he sees a man with a shrivelled up hand. Clearly aware that people are more interested in him ‘keeping the law’ than healing the man, Jesus gets angry and goes ahead and heals the man’s arm. (Mark 5.3)

The most well-known occasion is the time when Jesus walks into the temple grounds and finds people selling animals and exchanging money and gets really mad. He fashions a whip and drives them out, exclaiming, ‘My house will be called a house of prayer but you are turning it into a den of robbers.’

ATTRACTIVE ANGER

When attacks on Jesus are personal, we don’t see him responding in anger.

When marginalised people are being pushed to the side, then we see him come to life. Jesus seems to get angry at obvious injustice and greed; at hypocrisy and spiritual pride; at people not living out what they claim to believe.

When people turn away from Jesus he doesn’t seem too negatively affected. Even when they physically injure him to the point of death, we only see him respond in compassion.

The kind of anger that calls people towards a better life and away from things that hurt people is an anger I am attracted to. It is held by a person who in my opinion is definitely worth following. This so-called Righteous Anger is something I definitely need to get more right in my life as there are many things in my community and country that demand it.

How about you? Does this display of anger that seems to raise those considered the least and pull down those in authority living with pride attract you in any way? Does this become a Jesus worth spending some time getting to know? 

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