Recently, I learned that it’s okay to say no. This was one of those things that had to be learnt the hard way. After burning out I eventually grasped the importance of this two-letter word. I learned some valuable things, especially when and how to use this small but powerful word.
Some time ago, I found myself in the midst of the busiest week of my life. Time seemed to be against me and the workload increased by the minute. This was a pace that I was not able to maintain and, just like every other human being would have, fatigue took over and I got sick.
To be honest, I haven’t been sick like that in a long while. Having to think about what caused it or how I got here, my conclusion was clear: I was in over my head due to constantly saying yes to more responsibility. I had to learn how to say no and I wish I had said it sooner. Hear me out, this doesn’t mean being sick is an excuse to get out of things and to not do what you’re supposed to be doing, but saying no when you know you need rest or saying no when you know you are at capacity is very important.
I think the hardest part about it is knowing when to say no because often we want to make people happy or try and please others. Let’s face it, saying yes to as much as possible doesn’t help if you are operating at 50 percent when you should be at 100.
Knowing when to say no is always the hard part but if you know that you don’t have the capacity to handle it, say no just like me.
Don’t be a people pleaser. Learn to say no.
Godspeed.
Joshua Govender
Learn to say no
Who are you when no one’s watching?
I recently had to do some serious introspection about how I portray myself in public, versus the life I live in private. I had to consider how I could navigate my personal life to match the life I lived out in public, and vice versa.
Society and culture often dictate how you should behave and sound when you are out in front of others, but when others aren’t around, it’s a different story.
Here are a few things that helped me navigate these two aspects of life. They are simple considerations, but they have helped me greatly.
1. Reach out to someone you trust
Over the past few weeks, as I’ve thought about this issue, I’ve come to realise that I needed someone to simply listen to me and speak positively into my life. The minute I stepped out to ask for help,
everything changed. Accountability and a second party’s perspective helped me connect my personal and public life in a more seamless way.
2. Create healthy habits
Creating good disciplines in your life – like not staying up late and eating healthy – will help you focus on the right things. Healthy habits breed a healthy lifestyle, both publicly and privately, and will help you become more like the person you want to be when no one else is watching.
These are a few things that helped me on my journey – it’s not rocket science, but I hope this speaks to you!
Godspeed.
Unashamed
Recently a friend and I went to a local pub to catch up with an acquaintance of ours. It felt good to hit the streets again – it’s been a pretty busy season for me, and I haven’t been able to go out as often as I would like.
When we arrived at the bar we noticed that everyone was looking at us. It was like they knew we were different in a way – like they could tell that we weren’t there to get drunk, hook up, and leave.
As the night went on, it started hitting me how different we actually were from most people hanging out at the place. I looked around to see if there were any other people like us – but we were the only ones.
I began feeling a bit awkward, but then it hit me: We don’t need to be ashamed! I mean, it is what it is. We’ve had people cuss at us and wanting to fight because we are Christian. Sometimes we entertain them, but other times it gets kind of hilarious because after all, we’re actually just a bunch of homeboys out chilling.
The funny thing is we don’t ever push Jesus in people’s faces – we just sit and have a conversation with each other. Yet, random people always come and speak to us because they notice we’re “different”.
All this to say: Don’t be ashamed of who you are and who you are called to be! Living an unashamed life means walking in the confidence God gave you. Don’t ever be ashamed to tell people how you feel and what you believe. The message is simple: God is love.
I pray this speaks to at least one person – it certainly changed me!
Godspeed.
Why quality time is not enough
Spending a lot of time together does not necessarily result in a healthy relationship. That’s the conclusion a close friend and I recently came to following a discussion.
I know what you think: Relationships thrive on quality time – but we discovered another main ingredient which is essential if you want your good relationship to become great.
It’s a simple concept, really. You can spend a lot of time together, without actually having a meaningful connection to someone. For this reason, time together does not necessarily result in a good relationship – but transparency does. It was a light bulb moment to me. You can spend all the time you want with someone but if you are not open or honest, the relationship will always be surface level. I’m not saying you should be open about everything to everyone, but with every friendship, there comes a degree of openness.
Even in scenarios where you can’t be completely open about everything, a degree of transparency is needed. For example, when leading someone, you cannot always be totally transparent. Yet, good leaders lead by relationship – which means you need to be as transparent as the situation or person needs.
When trying to build friendships, it’s always good to be as transparent as possible. I have some friends, for instance, that I hardly ever see – but we’re close, because we are open and honest with each other.
Relationship is not about time – it’s about transparency.
Big city life
Living in a big city does something to you. It opens up a whole new perspective.
I’m not sure why, but I don’t think I would ever move back to my home town. No disrespect to small towns, but living in big cities for about six years now has definitely changed the way I see the world.
I moved out of the house as soon as I finished high school and moved to what is probably one of the most amazing places in the world (after my home country, South Africa, of course) – Sydney, Australia. I spent about three years in Sydney, and it was crazy to see how different people looked at life. It was refreshing to see life outside of a small town. It was like I was learning about life all over again – seeing different trends, styles, people, religions; noticing the way people act. It was all a new experience, and one I would never trade for the world.
With this experience behind me, I moved back to the best city in Africa: Cape Town. Cape Town feels like a “mini Sydney” sometimes – just with a lot more to see and do. To be honest, I think it’s the best place in the world.
All this to say the following: Sometimes it’s important to think beyond where you currently live. It’s important to broaden your horizons. You never know what you will find if you dare step out into the unknown. My life is an example of how making that mind shift turned out to be a great idea.
Godspeed.
Homeboys
Have you ever met a person that instantly became like a member of your family? Almost like you were twins separated at birth? I’ve had one or two people like this in my life – but I never paused to think about it until recently.
A few days ago we had a family gathering at my house. Both sides of the family were there. Naturally, I invited my closest homeboy to the party – I didn’t really need a reason to; he just needed to be there.
I was introducing him to a few people in the room when one of the older family members reminded us how special real friendship actually is. In her wisdom, she emphasised how rare it is to find friends like this in life – friends that become family. It was honestly the most beautiful thing hearing her speak about it.
I think it’s a little easier for girls to find friends like this – guys, on the other hand, want to be tough and independent, but we forget the value of meaningful friendship.
I don’t often see my friend, and we don’t speak as much as we used to – but when we are together it’s like nothing has changed.
Life is mysterious in that it brings people into our lives that become family. So make sure you have a homeboy or two! Find friends that are there for you in every season of life. Find someone that you know you can invite home, and feel comfortable with.
Godspeed.
Family feud
It’s not always that easy to please family. I always knew it was hard – but recently I’ve learnt that family life can be even harder to navigate than I could ever imagine.
Of course it would be different if you could choose your family – but I guess that’s why it’s called family!
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family – but more often than not things get a little complicated.
I got engaged recently and like with every big event, my family likes to have their say in everything. I bet some of you can relate to this. Before my fiancé and I even started planning anything we had a good few phone calls from my parents telling us what we should do and how we should do it.
I’m pretty independent, so naturally it was hard for me to be told what to do, but I’ve learnt a lot about myself in this season. I’ve learnt that I could actually work on my patience. I’ve learnt that being a man means you need to make hard decisions. And I’ve also learnt that you cannot please everyone.
Dealing with family is often hard – to be honest, most of the time I feel like I’m getting it wrong. But one piece of advice is worth following: As much as you hate it when family gets involved, make sure that you honour you parents in everything.
It’s often hard because, in the moment, you can’t understand why they feel the way they feel. Yet it’s a Godly principle – honouring your parents is a must. I’m not saying you should do everything that they want you to do – especially as an adult you need to do what’s best for you. The line between honouring them and just doing what you’re told is very fine.
Be sure to always honour your parents. At the same time, make great decisions for you, not for them.
Godspeed.
Why big decisions require planning
On Monday, I made one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever made: I got engaged.
To be honest, it hasn’t quite hit me yet – all I know is that life is only starting now and I’m pretty excited for what’s about to happen.
This significant moment took me back to many other significant moments I’ve been through, and I came to the realisation that every decision I’ve made so far has brought me to that one moment where I went down on one knee to ask the person I love to spend the rest of her life with me.
As my life moves forward, I’ve also realised that the preparation ahead of a decision may actually be more important than the decision itself.
For example, getting engaged was part of the plan, but I never knew where to start until someone blessed me with gold and diamonds. I had to make sure I was financially prepared to get engaged, and I also had to think about how I would would eventually propose – where it would be; who would be there; how much it would cost. Let’s just say it was a long week leading up to the big question!
All of this to say that with every great decision comes the responsibility to prepare. Some people jump into things without any understanding, and without thinking things through. But making decisions that are well thought through leads to greater reward.
When it comes to preparation for the big decisions, perseverance is key. A small example to illustrate my point: I proposed in a lighthouse. At first, all the lighthouses I gathered information on refused me entry. I became a little disheartened and wanted to change my plan. However, I eventually convinced myself not to settle, and guess what – I got a lighthouse! When it comes to the big decisions, make sure it’s what you want; never settle for second best.
Big decisions will always be hard to make, so make sure you are prepared and never, ever settle for less than you set out to accomplish!
Godspeed.
Don’t underestimate the journey
Sometimes I wonder how I even got here.
Do you ever have those moments where you just stop and think that? It’s interesting to recall events and situations that moulded you into the person you are today – and sometimes the journey is quite surprising.
Because I’m so involved with music in my church, I often get people coming up to me, especially young people, and say: “Man, I wish I could do what you do.”
I remember being exactly like that myself – wishing I was good at something; hoping one day I’d be able to contribute in that way.
You see, everybody wants the “story” – but not all of us want the journey.
My personal journey looks like this: I went to a music college in Sydney, Australia, which sounds amazing – but to be honest it was the hardest three years of my life. Weeks and months went by, but I couldn’t make a breakthrough: no one was choosing me to play; no one invested in my gift. I wanted to play with everything in me, just like all my fellow students.
Yet I look at my life now and I’m playing every week. I’m doing more than I was doing in college – to the point where I have to ask for leave so that I can take a break.
It’s crazy how things worked out over time: I had to go through three years of not knowing when I would play; not knowing if I was good enough. I had to work on my character before stepping onto the stage in front of thousands.
Looking back on all of this, I came to a simple conclusion: If you want the story, be prepared to go on the journey.
Godspeed.
For those who don’t fit in
I was talking to a mate of mine recently about some of my frustrations. I told him how I sometimes felt like I just didn’t fit in. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t feel like I need to be part of a click or anything like that, but it dawned on me that I actually do not have a specific group of friends that I fit in with naturally.
Of course you cannot be good friends with everyone in your life – that’s why circles of friends are formed – but sometimes it feels like I am surrounded by so many people, yet so few of them are close friends.
I was chatting to my friend about this when he stopped me and said something that got my attention:
“People like us aren’t supposed to fit in,” he said.
It was interesting to think of it in that way. Maybe some people were just made to not fit in easily. That doesn’t mean you can’t or never will fit in anywhere – but some personality types clearly find it harder to find their place in a wider group. I’m not just talking about introverted people either – you can be an extrovert and still feel like you don’t fit in.
So, how do you cope when you’re usually the one that doesn’t fit in?
1. Accept who you are
You need to accept that you are different. I’m not saying you should just accept where you are personally – I believe we should always strive to work on our character – but you do need to acknowledge that it’s not always a bad thing when you don’t fit in easily. It just means that you will stand out more, and sometimes that’s a good thing.
2. Enjoy the journey
Your journey will likely take a little longer than most people when it comes to making new friends or building relationships. However, when you do make progress in terms of relationships, it will be so much more rewarding. Stick to your journey, and don’t be discouraged when you do not fit in right away.
I hope this helped you if you struggle to fit in. Sometimes it’s rewarding to be different and stand out!
Godspeed