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Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

Don’t sweat the small stuff – That’s the title of a book published twenty years ago and written by Richard Carlson. Although the psychotherapist turned author/motivational speaker popularised the phrase, cardiologist Robert S. Eliot is credited with the original quote in an article dealing with stress published in Time magazine in 1983.

Aside from the origins of the quote, I’ve been contemplating its essence. Last weekend I got really upset with our son. He’d thrown a ball over the neighbours’ fence and I was annoyed and embarrassed. These are new neighbours and I don’t want any cause for friction.

My cousin was visiting at the time and when she saw how frustrated I’d become at the inconvenience of the situation, she urged me to let it go. She challenged me not to worry about this kind of thing and said it was something insignificant in the greater scheme of what had otherwise been a happy day.  My cousin reminded me to let the small stuff go and challenged me to rather focus on the things that matter – the weighty things that carry lifelong or eternal consequences.

She was right. I was getting worked up about something silly. So what if our son had thrown a ball over the neighbours’ fence, kids do that all the time – I needed to chill.

When we feel like we’re allowing the ‘small’ stuff to matter more than it should, it’s time to stop and evaluate what’s really going on.

Questions to ask yourself when you start ‘sweating the small stuff’:
  1. What negative emotions am I feeling right now?
  2. Why am I letting this situation or person get to me?
  3. Am I focusing on something that shouldn’t be a priority? (Am I ‘sweating the small stuff?’)
  4. What or who should the priority be in this moment?
  5. What can I do to change these negative emotions?

I’ll finish with a few quotes from the man who made the quote famous.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’s all small stuff” – Richard Carlson

“Choose to be kind over being right and you’ll be right every time.”

 “Ask yourself the question, “Will this matter a year from now?”

“Imagining yourself at your own funeral allows you to look back at your life while you still have the chance to make some important changes.”

And finally,

“The key to a good life is this: If you’re not going to talk about something during the last hour of your life, then don’t make it a top priority during your lifetime.”

Control vs Influence

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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Control vs Influence

“Why was that lady so mean to her dog?” My son asked as we walked past the woman who’d just shouted at her dog and hit it. “Because it didn’t do what she wanted it to do, but it was unkind and wrong”, I said before hugging him and waving him goodbye at the school gates.

This incident, along with recent reports of the breakup of former Spice Girl Mel B’s ten year marriage to Stephen Belafonte, who she claims was controlling, got me thinking about control vs influence.

As a parent, I’m all too familiar with the urge to control our children and it’s a trait that, if unchecked, can easily creep into a marriage, friendships, the workplace and every aspect of life, with devastating consequences.

What many of us don’t realise however is that control is an illusion. While you can’t really control anyone (apart from yourself maybe), you can influence nearly everyone.

Michael Hyatt suggests four ways we can influence, rather than control others:

  1. Focus on yourself. Model the kind of behaviour you’d like to see in others.
  2. Take the initiative. Don’t blame others for poor outcomes, but rather look for what you can do to bring about positive change. Use your initiative and take action.
  3. Cast the vision. People often want to do something significant but they need a compelling vision to work towards.
  4. Appreciate the effort. Catch someone doing something good and say “thank you”.

It may be tempting to try to control those around us, but it’s far more rewarding to influence them for the good.

“If we’re going to make a difference, we are going to have to sharpen our leadership skills and get better at wielding our influence” – Michael Hyatt.

Making Friends

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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Making Friends

Our family is on the move again. After living in three different countries across three different continents over the last seven years and moving house a number of times, I’m looking forward to finally being out of rented accommodation and into our own house. And, hopefully we’ll stay put for a good many years.

Although there are many advantages to living in different countries, we’ve had to make new friends with every move and that hasn’t been easy.

Our children may love spending time with us, but what they love even more is hanging out with friends. Children love being with other children and it’s great to see them enjoying good friendships.

Over the last few weeks we’ve been working on our new house at weekends, before travelling back to our rented accommodation during the week. Last weekend our nine-year-old twins had a go at introducing themselves to some of the children in the new area. Their first attempt was a miserable flop though. As I watched from inside the house, I saw their dejected faces and slumped shoulders as their initial efforts were shunned. When they walked into the house, I wanted to scoop them up into my arms and hold them forever. Although my heart was breaking, I held back the tears and asked God to help me encourage them.

I reminded them of how awesome they are, of how they get to choose their friends, how they’ve made friends before and how they’ll make friends again, but it may not happen on the first day. I challenged them not to give up after the first attempt and then prayed for them.

After my pep-talk, they played in our new back garden for a while before asking if they could go outside again and play with the children in the neighbourhood. My heart raced but I let them go and then, I prayed even harder.

I couldn’t stand to watch them though and quickly found something else to do. Not long after, my husband called me. He pointed out the window to where our children were now happily playing with the other children. They were taking turns on the bikes and scooters and playing with the skipping rope, both of them chatting away with all the kids, like they were old friends.

As the corny but true saying goes; “What’s the best vitamin for making friends? B1”

Everyone needs a good friend or two and as our children see us investing in our friendships, they’ll have the courage to develop their own.

These days, connection with people through social media alone is making us socially inept and awkward. The more we intentionally aim to meet with people face to face, the better we’ll get at it and the greater the rewards will be.

May you have the grace, wisdom and courage to be a good friend, make good friends and equip your children to choose good friends.

Get Out There

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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Get Out There

So, what’s the real reason you didn’t go out with your colleagues after work? How about the time you chose not to meet up with your friend for that long-overdue coffee, or the cancelled dinner date, the lunch with family and the missed church service?

I don’t like cancelling on people, but I can put my hand up to pretty much all of the above at some point over the last year or so, and the reasons for not putting in an appearance are as varied as the events themselves. I didn’t feel like it, my self-confidence was a little shaky, I felt tired or lazy or I had to work to meet a deadline.

The reason I mention all this is because I have our weekly girls Bible study tomorrow morning and although I love the opportunity to catch up with some girl-friends and study God’s Word, I’m in the throes of a house move. I also have my normal work deadlines and then a few additional ones – which is great, but it all adds to the pressure and my lack of head-space. So, I’m considering not going.

If I do go, it’ll mean time away from my desk and laptop and no work will get done for an entire morning, possibly afternoon and maybe even a whole day. But, if I do go, I could gain some much-needed inspiration for the projects I’m working on.

I once worked with a colleague who would eagerly agree to join us after work for a social night out, but she always cancelled on us at the last-minute. Eventually, we stopped inviting her. In hindsight, I think she suffered from anxiety and although she probably wanted to join us, fear kept her house-bound.

Many years ago I learned a valuable lesson from my cousin. I was having a moan and groan about not wanting to go to some or other event and she challenged me. She said I should always take the opportunity to go out when invited, because something amazing might happen, something that could change my life for the better.

I do think we have to be wise about when and with whom we go out with and there certainly are times when we should say ‘no’. But don’t allow a lack of confidence, laziness, fear or anxiety keep you from getting out there and connecting with people who could be the impetus for a real change in your life, maybe forever – for the better.

By the way, you also have something to give – a treasure inside you that needs to be shared – don’t keep it to yourself, get out there and be a blessing to others.

ps: I think will go to that Bible study tomorrow – something truly amazing could happen.

Sorry, no apology

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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Sorry, no apology

I nearly came to blows with a stranger in the car park this week. When it comes to a perceived injustice, I struggle to reign in my desire to make things right.

As I drove into the supermarket car park, I spotted one open space, close to the entrance. The problem was that the car next to the open space had been parked over the line, leaving me very little room to get in. At this point, I should probably have driven down towards the end of the parking lot where there were a number of wide open spaces, but I didn’t. After all, why should I? Someone had selfishly parked over two spaces and I was determined to prove that I would not be deterred from parking where I had every right to park – so, I did. I squeezed into the tiny space still available and even managed not to go over the other line of my parking bay.

Although it took a great effort to suck in my breath and my stomach, just so I could get out the car, I felt a great sense of achievement. And then, I started plotting what I would write on a note for the offending driver. Time in the supermarket did nothing to calm my growing sense of irritation and by the time I squeezed myself back into the car, I felt bolstered in my resolve to write a scathing note. I looked forward to placing the withering letter of criticism on the windshield of the car next to me and driving off triumphant, but then the driver turned up.

I saw the man pause, look at his car nervously and then stand to one side, waiting for me to drive off so he could comfortably get into his car.

At this point, I should probably have driven off, but I didn’t. Instead, I squeezed myself out of the car and proceeded to tell the man what a selfish person I thought he was for parking over the parking bay.

Now, the thing about human nature is that most of us react defensively when we feel attacked and as my pent up irritation burst out, the shocked man, retaliated. He challenged my state of mind in choosing to park next to him, when there were plenty of wide open spaces further away, a comment which only further riled me. I could not believe that instead of simply apologising for quite obviously making the selfish decision to park over two parking spaces, he was now blaming me?!

When I realised that this childish spat was quickly descending into a war of words and would not be resolved amicably, I drove off in a huff and shaking with rage.

The instant I drove off though, I felt overcome with shame. Why had I chosen to park there? Was I itching to start a fight? How did I allow my own sense of self-righteousness to overwhelm me so quickly and why didn’t I rather choose to defuse the tension?

Sure, the guy acted selfishly and arrogantly, but that did not give me the right to blast him with a torrent of accusations. After all I have, on the rare occasion, parked over a parking space.

Unfortunately we live in a culture that doesn’t like to apologise. We offer excuses, rather than owning our mistakes and learning from them.

Saying unkind things to strangers is easy because it’s likely we’ll never see them again. Surely there’s a better way of doing life in community with others though? When we see an injustice, how do we challenge the behaviour, without leaving the person feeling attacked?

I could have chosen to park somewhere else and that guy would probably have continued to take up two parking spaces whenever he felt like it. He probably won’t now though – not for a while anyway, but if he does choose to consider how he’s parking, it will be because I shamed him and that shames me.

The answer then is not in ignoring injustice, or in delighting in lambasting someone for their failings and mistakes.

If we reflect on the times we’ve been selfish, inconsiderate or arrogant and humbly admit that we are truly sorry for these unhelpful attitudes, perhaps we’ll begin to see others and their foibles in a more helpful perspective. Perhaps only then will we be able to challenge injustice from a place of humility, rather than self-righteousness and pride.

In-between Deadlines

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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In-between Deadlines

I thought I was a free-thinker – creative and brilliant when working unstructured and without boundaries. Annoyingly though, I soon realised that I come unstuck without guidelines. I thrive within boundaries, when I have clearly defined objectives and most surprisingly, when I have a deadline to work towards. In fact, I do my best work under pressure and therefore tend to leave everything to the very last moment before getting started.

As we approach the end of only the second month of 2017, I’m still well-aware of my hopes and dreams for this year. They’re the same ones I’ve had for a few years now – both personal and professional – but as I read through a recent blog post by Seth Godin, I realised that I’m never going to attain those hopes and dreams if I keep working to meet my deadlines.

My challenge this year then, lies in having some sort of plan of action or structure for the space in-between the deadlines.

“When everything is focused on the deadline, there’s little time to work on the things that are actually important. When we build our lives around ‘what’s due’ we sacrifice our agency to the priorities and urgencies of everyone else. More important is the bigger issue: Time is running out. For all the things you might want to experience, not merely the ones that are about to leave the gate. Time is running out for you to level up or connect or to be generous to someone who really needs you. Time is running out for you to become the person you’ve decided to be, to make the difference you seek to make, to produce the work you know you’re capable of – Seth Godin.

If I continue living from deadline to deadline, I’m never going to fulfil my hopes and dreams and I’m never going to become the person I want to be.

As I write, I find myself right in the middle of a frenzy of deadlines, thus leaving me with very little head space to work on achieving those dreams. I have started making incremental changes that don’t require a huge amount of thinking or effort though – little things I’ve found I can commit to – one day at a time.

As for the in-between deadline days – I plan to get some structure going – even if it’s structured doodling time.

Love Made Strong Through Storms

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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Love Made Strong Through Storms

We’ve had fifteen Valentines Days together and I can still remember our first date. I’d agreed to go on a date with him because he’d captured my heart with those stunning long-stem roses, delivered to my workplace on Valentine’s Day. My colleagues had swooned at the sight and convinced me to give the guy a chance – surely only good could come from dating a man who makes such grand gestures.

This year, after almost thirteen years of marriage, we spent Valentine’s Day evening sitting in our grey Vauxhall Zafira, waiting for our two sprogs to finish swimming lessons. We ate pasta out of Tupperware and I’d made an effort to bring two wine glasses and a bottle of Pinotage. As we sat chatting in the parking lot, eating pasta and drinking wine, I realised just how much I’d changed – and mostly for the good. In this moment, I felt truly content.

As I mentioned earlier, I can still remember our first date. When my flatmates asked about it the following day, I wrote it off as a complete disaster. I think many first dates would rather be forgotten but as I reflect on our dinner of Nando’s chicken and diet coke, I realise that the main reason I thought it was a horrible failure was because I was terribly conceited at the time.

That man loved me unconditionally then and he loves me unconditionally now and that has made all the difference. I still have plenty of selfish moments and I absolutely would welcome more grand gestures of love from my husband, but I now realise that I’ve been blessed with what I always wanted – to love and to be loved.

It hasn’t been easy, but I can see how our commitment to keep on loving each other through the tough times has strengthened and deepened our relationship. The stuff that mattered fifteen years ago now seems vain and superfluous. Now I finally feel content to just be – no frills attached.

A well-known television presenter recently stated that having a stroke changed his marriage for the better. A number of studies also point to the benefits of working together through challenging times in a marriage, suggesting they ultimately make for long-lasting happiness.

I think it’s all about perspective and compromise, or surrender. Surrender of our own will, in favour of the person we’re journeying with.

Let’s keep our marriage vows – “… for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…” – at the forefront of our hearts and minds as we choose to love – always.

The Lego Batman Movie – A Lesson In Loneliness

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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The Lego Batman Movie – A Lesson In Loneliness

When I told the children we were going to see the new Lego Batman movie, there were resounding whoops all round. Their exuberant reaction was probably based on how much they’d enjoyed the first Lego Movie released in 2014 – where ‘everything was awesome’.

With friends in tow, we settled into our comfy cinema seats, armed with the obligatory popcorn, sweets and soda and prepared to be amazed. Aside from the adverts that went on for way too long for anyone to endure, let alone four children under the age of ten, the main feature did not disappoint.

As in the first Lego movie, there’s plenty of fast-paced action and loads of laughs for the kids, as well as a generous helping of hilarious gags to keep the adults enthralled. Aside from all the clever one-liners, loud music and action-packed drama though, what endeared me most to this film, was the powerful storyline running throughout. In essence; we are better together than we are on our own.

Batman is still a lone-ranger in the fight against crime in Gotham City, but when Barbara (aka Batgirl) takes over as the new police commissioner, her plans for community involvement in solving crimes, threatens to undermine his one-man-show. He proceeds to reduce his arch nemesis to tears when he tells the Joker that he’s not important in his life and the Joker then retaliates by vowing to seek revenge on Batman.

Even when the Joker enlists the help of the most evil of global minds in an effort to destroy Gotham City, Batman continues to believe that he alone will be able to save everyone.

Although isolated and alone in his enormous empty house, and even though he has no one but his butler to celebrate his victories with, he continues to remain stubbornly determined to not allow anyone else into his world and he refuses to admit that he is lonely and needs others.

When Batman unwittingly adopts a son – Dick (aka Robin) – he begins to recognise the negative impact his selfishness is having on himself and those he starts to care about. As the drama unfolds, Batman realises the joy of opening up and allowing others into his world.

I loved this film. It was a striking reminder to me of what many health professionals are recognising as one of the great scourges of our time – loneliness.

I’m reminded of one of my favourite quotes from the seventeenth-century English poet and author, John Donne. “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”

We are all stronger and better together, than we are on our own. Relationships are messy though, they involve the possible risk of terrible heartache and pain. They also invite us into one of the greatest joys of life – shared love and shared life.

Rather than allowing past hurts to keep people at arm’s-length, let us soften our hearts and allow people in. Our lives are so much richer for it. The greatest of treasures await those who journey in community with others.

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” – Proverbs 27:17 (The Bible)

Real News – Fake News?

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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Real News – Fake News?

Can you tell the difference and does it matter?

2016 was the year of the fake news story and 2017 hasn’t started out too great either. Not that fake news is anything new, but there appears to have been a recent seismic shift towards publishing and circulating blatant lies.

How do you feel about fake news? Have you posted a story on your social media timeline, only to later learn that it was a fake? If so, how did you respond and do you think it matters?

How good are you at spotting a fake news story? Guess which of these stories is true and which is fake?

  1. An 11-Year-Old Girl Brought A Knife To School To Ward Off Evil Clowns
  2. Fleetwood Mac Buried In Dog Avalanche
  3. Great Britain’s Olympic Team Discovered That Matching Luggage Was A Bad Idea.
  4. Hillary Cancelled Her Last Public Event Because The Crowd Yelled “Lock Her Up”.
  5. Obama Warned Trump: “Don’t Attack My Wife Or There’ll Be Hell To pay”.
  6. Pensioner Stuck In Bath For Four Days Survived By Topping Up Hot Water And Drinking From Tap.
  7. “Man Hospitalised After “Mugged” By Squirrels”
  8. Donald Trump Said Republicans Are The ‘Dumbest Group Of Voters’.
  9. 89-Year-Old Man Digs His Own Grave
  10. China Bans “Fatty” Kim Jong Un Nickname In Websites

See how you got on by finding out which stories are true and which are fake later on in this blog.

The deluge of fake news stories and the damage they cause has forced companies like Google and Facebook to work on putting systems in place to try to stem the flood of lies online.

Simon Oxenham of newscientist.com suggests that several studies prove that “even the most obvious fake news starts to become believable if it’s shared enough times”.

In the 1940’s researchers found that “the more a rumour is told, the greater is its plausibility”. They suggested that a rumour originating out of mild suspicion can, with consistent repetition, shift public thinking and opinion.

That’s pretty scary given some of the fake stories repeatedly circulating on social media at the moment. Researchers did however find that a person’s prior knowledge still has a big influence on their beliefs.

Let’s pause for a moment and see how many fake stories you were able to spot from the list above?

  1. Girl from Athens, Georgia heard “stories about clowns jumping out of the woods” police said.
  2. Made-up headline from 1990’s satirical news show The Day Today.
  3. Gold medal-winning rower Alex Gregory among those who joked about Heathrow chaos.
  4. The brain-child of the Yes I’m Right website, one of many fake news sites.
  5. From Addicting Info, which claims to “discredit all the lies the right-wing spreads”.
  6. Poor Doreen Mann from Southend, Essex.
  7. Richard Williams, 87, was cleaning his garage when he was attacked in San Francisco.
  8. A fabricated quote that he didn’t give to People Magazine in the 1980’s.
  9. Jimmy Kickham from Souris West, Canada really did dig his own grave.
  10. Searches for the Chinese words “Jin San Pang” returned no results.

How did you do?

Unfortunately many studies suggest that we are not very good at spotting a fake. Our innate sense of curiosity and our tendency to trust online sources draws us to the extravagant, the extreme and the shocking, but we do ourselves, and countless others, a great favour by refusing to be drawn into engaging with and circulating lies.

Here’s how you we protect ourselves from fake stories:

  • Check who produced the story. The URL will often indicate that a website is pretending to be reputable by stealing the name and style of another publication.
  • Check other stories on the website. Fake news websites often have nothing but fake content. If all the stories are outrageous, it’s probably a fake news site.
  • Search for coverage of the story elsewhere. If a story is false, it’ll likely be exposed on websites such as snopes.com
  • We read in the Bible the words of Jesus, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). We live in a world where truth is becoming a rare commodity. It takes discipline to seek it out, but when we do, and when we discover the truth, we will be free from the fear and hopelessness that a lie produces.

True North

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith
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True North

What’s your ‘True North’ – the one thing that compels you to move in a particular direction? Sure, you may get side-tracked along the way, but something deep inside you keeps bringing you back to where you know you need to be. The detours only serve to further reinforce that overwhelming conviction that this path – the one where you feel truly free, content and alive – is your true north. It’s what drives you – it’s your purpose, your calling and the reason you live and breathe.

Maybe you haven’t discovered your ‘true north’ yet. All your life you’ve been searching for it, wandering aimlessly from one path to the next. You feel rootless and rudderless; bobbing along in the hope that someday you’ll discover the path you were born to walk, the journey you were meant to take.

I’ve walked that precarious path of indecision. I’ve dulled my senses to the need to choose a path. It was convenient – being all things to all people. But at some stage, the many paths began to collide and a mixed-up mess found me in the middle. I had to decide – I had to choose my path. Who would I serve; my own selfish desires or the path the Creator of my soul had called me to?

If we want any chance of true happiness and contentment, we have to wade through the murky waters of uncertainty and choose our path. Throughout life we are led to believe that there are many paths, but in essence there are only two – life and death. We can sit on the fence between these two choices; wrapped in our lukewarm blanket of indecision and ignorance for only so long before the cold harsh realities of life penetrate our stubborn thinking and we wake up to the realisation that we’ve wasted this vanishing vapour called life on planet earth. Then, in an instant, we will be forced to face the consequence of our choices in this life – an eternal consequence.

Rather than stumble blindly through this life, deaf to the call of our Maker to ‘come follow me’, may we rather open our eyes, soften our hearts and turn and follow Him.

Just as I made a choice many years ago and as I continue to choose every day – I urge you to choose a path and follow it with all your heart. There is a wide open path that seems right, but its way leads to death and destruction. Oh that you would choose the narrow path – not many follow in its way, but it leads to unspeakable joy, peace and contentment.

“Take courage! Royal feet have left a blood-red track on the road you walk, consecrating the painful path forever” – Charles Spurgeon.

May you discover your True North and determine to walk in its way all the days of your life.

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