Ruth O'Reilly-Smith, Author at 1Africa

When you don’t get what you want

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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September 8, 2016

Most of us are familiar with the foot-stomping, hands-raving, vocal-chords-yelling, and occasional throwing-to-the-floor kind of outburst that accompany a tantrum from a two-year-old child on hearing the word “no”. However, tantrums are, I’m afraid, not reserved for little ones.

As adults, we can also be quick to throw-a-strop when we realise that we can’t have what we want or are no longer able to do whatever we like. We live in a culture that feeds our desire for more. If we can’t afford to pay cash for something, for instance, we buy it on credit and pay it off in instalments. The price is high, though. Only last week I saw a TV ad for a cash loan company that was offering instant cash at an interest rate of 1299%! Yip, you read that number correctly.

What about the job you really wanted, but never got? Or the property you hoped to buy, but the banks wouldn’t lend you enough money? Or the uni you were desperate to get into, but your grades weren’t good enough? How about that guy you want to be with – the one who, heart-breakingly, doesn’t seem interested? Perhaps it’s your age, or maybe it’s your health or lack of fitness that’s stopped you from doing what you want to do or getting what you want?

So, what do you do when you don’t get what you want? And what could you do when you don’t get what you want?

Face Facts: Humble yourself enough to take a reality check of your life. When you’re on your own, and it’s just you and your Maker, get real with yourself. Who you are? What are your qualifications and your job experience? What are your talents? What are you good at and what areas need improving – in your spiritual life, your body, your mind, your finances, your relationships – everything? Now that you have the answers to those questions, ask yourself if you really want what you originally wanted? Do you really want to do what you originally wanted to do? And, most importantly, why? What’s the underlying reason behind your desire for more, or for a change? Once your motivation becomes clear, you may no longer want it.

Self-Talk: If you still feel the urge to get what you want or to do what you want, ask yourself: “Can I do something today that will get me closer to getting what I want?” If the answer is “yes”, then make a list of those things.

Take the long view: Don’t rush. Hasty decisions often end in tears. Consider the long-term consequences of today’s action or inaction. Take that list of things you can do to get you what you want, or where you want to be, and break it down into everyday habits you can begin putting into practice. These small disciplines may seem inconsequential right now, but in a year or two’s time, you’ll be able to see real progress.

Take stock: Celebrate small victories. We rush so fast through our days that we rarely pause long enough to enjoy our hard work. God gave us the Sabbath, not only so we could rest, but also so we could look back and enjoy the work we’ve done throughout the week. Have one day every week when you take stock of your progress, your wins and your losses, and what you’ve learnt from both.

The re-do: Results come with the re-do. You may tweak the plan as you figure out what works for you and how it fits into your life, and there may be days when you don’t follow the plan, but always come back to it. Decide on a plan and then follow through, day after day, week after week.

So, before you next storm off in a huff when you don’t get your way, pause for a moment. Face the facts, ask the self-talk question; take the long view; look back and be grateful for what you do have; remember what you’ve accomplished; and don’t give up – stick to the plan. Also, when you do get off plan, don’t become so disheartened that you spiral into self-destruction and give up completely. Be gracious with yourself, forgive yourself, and try again.

And again.

The spring challenge

Culture

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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September 1, 2016

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Happy Spring Day.

The 1^st of September in South Africa is traditionally celebrated as the start of the spring season. As we pack away our warmer clothes for another year and take out our shorts, slops, and T-shirts, we’re usually greeted by an icy blast and a final cold front on the 1^st of September. But not today; with temperatures set to rise to 30 degrees Celsius and not a drop of rain in sight, you won’t regret leaving that jersey of yours in the back of your clothes cupboard.

Spring day makes me smile, it makes me feel happy. Most children across the country get to go to school in their brightly coloured civvies and you have an excuse to relax and enjoy an ice cream as you scour the net for a cheap summer holiday deal in December.

Today is also the start of the final quarter of 2016.

Over the years, I’ve found this time of the year to be particularly frantic, with many of us rushing to finish deadlines, attain goals, and secure contracts before the end of the year. In South Africa many decision makers hold off on making long-term commitments so, if you’re looking for a lucrative business deal, it may be worth waiting till the start of 2017 before you approach that potential client with your pitch. Or, you’ll have to do something really special to get anyone to sign on the dotted line.

As you look back and consider the last eight months of this year, have a go at answering these three questions:

What have you done for the first time?
What are you most proud of?
What’s been your greatest life lesson so far this year?

Then, as you look ahead to the last four months of 2016, consider these three questions:

What would you like to accomplish before the end of the year?
What one thing would you like to do differently?
Who would you like to have a coffee with before the end of the year?

That final question is a challenge. Don’t focus only on clamouring to finish your goals for 2016, but also make time for the people you care about.

As you enjoy the sunshine on this spectacular Spring Day and contemplate those few questions, may you be filled with eager anticipation for the rest of this year and aim to finish strong!

What a joke!

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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August 25, 2016

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A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a cold Coke. The barman says “I’m sorry, we don’t serve mushrooms”. “Awww” says the mushroom sadly, “but I’m a fun-guy”.

I tell that joke whenever I get a chance, and it’s not because it’s the best joke I’ve heard – it’s because it’s the only joke I can remember.

This week, the award for the best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival – the annual arts festival in Scotland’s capital city – went to Masai Graham from England. Here it is: “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.”

I think it’s funny. What do you think? What makes a joke funny?

Over the years, countless research has proven that laughter is indeed the best medicine. It’s contagious and binds people together, increasing the sense of happiness and intimacy. Laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. It strengthens the immune system, boosts energy, diminishes pain, and protects the body from the damaging effects of stress.

A joke is a structured form of humour. It’s a way of controlling laughter and intentionally eliciting these positive effects. In order to understand why some jokes are perceived as funny and others are not, Robin Dunbar and his colleagues at Oxford University investigated the cognitive mechanism underlying laughter and humour. They analysed the reaction of 55 undergraduates from the London School of Economics to 65 jokes from an online compilation of the funniest jokes of all time. The collection includes jokes from successful stand-up comedians and all of them were rated on a scale from one (not at all funny) to four (very funny).

The research team found that the funniest jokes are those that involve two characters and up to five back-and-forth connections between the comedian and the audience. People easily get lost when jokes are more complex than that.

Whether it’s a joke you listen to, a comedy sketch or film you watch, or an every-day-life moment that makes you laugh, “your sense of humour is one of the most powerful tools you have to make certain that your daily mood and emotional state support good health,” says Paul E. McGhee, Ph.D.

And finally, here’s one from Roger Swift: “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound,” or how about this one from Zoe Lyons: “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God – contact lenses”.

Jokes aside though, laughter is priceless medicine – it’s fun, free, and easy to use. I hope you have many laugh-out-loud moments today.

The power of the purchase

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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August 18, 2016

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I have a family member who loves buying stuff. Most of what she buys, though, is not for herself, and she does have an amazing knack for purchasing great gifts for others. Her house has rooms filled with unused and unopened gifts and cupboards with unworn clothes that still have the labels on.

Her actions make me wonder if she suffers from the “power of the purchase”. This same woman has been married four times. Perhaps she enjoys the idea of having someone or something new in her life and when it’s not so new, she wants to move on to someone or something that is.

I realised a while back that I love buying two of most things. For some reason, if I find something I like, I buy two of that item. It may be a different colour, but other than that, it’s the same.

My husband loves the rush of starting a new job. In the 14 years I’ve known him, he’s had eight different jobs that have taken us across the world to Dubai, South Africa, and the UK. I’m not complaining about him wanting to improve himself, and I’ve loved getting a glimpse of different cultures, but I am hoping he’ll stay in his current job for a long time. Perhaps you know those who love instantly having the very latest phone or gadget and in some countries, it’s quite common to upgrade to a new car at least every two to three years.

Psychologist Ian Zimmerman, Ph.D, suggests that everyone behaves impulsively now and then, and a certain amount of impulse buying can be harmless. However, an excessive level can lead to debt and unhappiness, so it’s helpful knowing the warning signs. If you often spend money without really thinking about what you’re buying or why you’re buying it, you may have an impulse buying tendency. If you get a lot of enjoyment from shopping or you shop when you feel down, you may be buying as a way of experiencing pleasure and you’re probably buying a lot of products on impulse.

An easy way to tell if a purchase is impulsive is to ask: “Did I plan to buy this, or did I get the urge to buy it just now?” If you didn’t plan to buy it, you’re probably experiencing an impulse buying urge. If you delay your gratification and refuse to purchase the item in that moment, you’ll not only get to keep more of your money, but you’ll also become a smarter consumer and possibly a happier person!

Passion for life

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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August 11, 2016

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Ever since our twins were born, my husband and I have made a determined effort to have regular date nights. On one such recent movie and dinner evening, we returned to our first ever date restaurant – Nando’s. According to legend, the African Bird’s Eye Chilli or peri peri spice used to create the unique Nando’s sauce is rumoured to put a fire in your belly and ignite passion in your soul. Whether my husband of more than 13 years had that in mind when he took me there all those years ago is doubtful, but I did marry him a little more than a year later.

This outing to our much-loved spicy eatery got me thinking of passion, and I’m not only talking about the loving kind. What are you passionate about?

The dictionary defines passion as: a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is also an intense emotion, a compelling enthusiasm or desire for something. Based on that definition, what or who are you passionate about?

True passion keeps us moving forward

It keeps us growing. Passion for life, for fulfilling our purpose, leaving a legacy and making a difference for the good in our world, drives us and enables us to stay sharp and have influence. When Jesus Christ walked on this planet, He said that He came to show us that we can live with passion. He said that through Him, we are able enjoy life, and live in abundance – to the full and till it overflows (John 10:10).

If it feels like you’ve lost your passion, it’s time to reignite a flame that will, in the coming days and weeks, grow to something you can once again consider a burning passion.

Shift your focus

Instead of becoming despondent with your current lack of passion, focus rather on what you have, be grateful and start doing what you’re good at, and brings you the greatest joy and fulfilment. Also, notice who you love being with, who keeps you sharp and brings out the best in you.

Reigniting passion does not, unfortunately, start with a trip to your local Nando’s, although that’s not a bad idea. Stirring real and lasting passion starts with the greatest command we’ve been given – Love God, love yourself, love people (Matthew 22:37-39). As we genuinely love God and seek to follow Him wholeheartedly, we go on to love ourselves and so naturally love those around us. In this way, rather than living a mediocre life, we go on to live a life full of purpose and passion.

Held to ransom

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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August 11, 2016

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In the early 2000s I was living in the UK and a nationwide fuel strike nearly brought the country to a standstill. Within days, petrol pumps ran dry and I resorted to staying at the office overnight to save fuel.

Fast forward a few years to last week, and employees from the petroleum sector in South Africa went on a countrywide strike. As panic spread and people filled their tanks, many of the petrol pumps ran dry by the weekend. I’m no longer office based, so I haven’t had to bring my sleeping bag in to work, but I have had to cancel a few appointments and I’ve needed to plan my travel carefully to ensure the fuel I have in my car lasts until the pumps are refuelled.

In essence, the unions and the striking employees are holding an entire nation to ransom. They’re well aware that most of us rely on fuel-based transport to get around. One of the major bus companies recently announced it can no longer run to full capacity with fuel reserves drastically low.

August in South Africa is known as strike season, with employees in vital sectors of the economy downing tools and slowing financial growth as the movement of people is severely hampered.

Unions believe they represent the will and rights of those who should have better working conditions, while employers hold firm to their belief that they provide a fair employment environment. It’s difficult not to give in to the demands of the striking masses in the essential sectors as the country grinds to a halt, but as I recently overheard a man say: “If we all stood firm, suffered briefly and refused to be moved by those who yearly hold us to ransom, they will eventually lose their power”.

In the early 1980s the then British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, had had enough of the power the unions had over the UK government and the economy and she said “no” to striking workers in the mining and motor industries. As she stood firm against the demands of the unions, these sectors eventually collapsed with a devastating and long-term financial and social impact on communities across the country.

Those previously booming sectors have never recovered within the British economy, but so too has the power of the unions been severely curtailed. To this day, people across the UK have strong feelings about Maggie Thatcher, or The Iron Lady. They love or hate her legacy, but she was the one person who would no longer be held ransom to every whim and desire of the unions; she said “no” and the country suffered greatly because of it. But, she also proved to the unions, who essentially controlled the country at the time, that they had lost their power.

Perhaps someone is holding you to ransom, or maybe you’re the one holding someone else to ransom. With one decision, you could free that person up to thrive. Perhaps you’ve been dragging your feet on a contract you’ve been promising, or maybe you owe someone money. Today is the day to relinquish your hold on that person. Allow them to be free and in the process, you too will be free.

It’s time for change. Today is the day you decide to face the consequences of standing up to the person who has been holding you to ransom. It may be the most difficult decision you’ve had to make, and the fallout may affect you negatively for many years, but you’ll be free and their destructive hold on you will be lost forever. The choice is yours.

It can wait

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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July 28, 2016

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I was running late for breakfast at a friend’s house, and although I let her know, I still felt awful that our time together would now be rushed. As I bemoaned my other more recent moments of tardiness, she asked what it was that had made me late. It had been the washing. As I was getting ready to leave the house, and thinking I would be early for our appointment, I realise that I needed to get a load of washing in the machine and hung up before I left the house. Waiting for that load of washing is what made me late.

It’s what always makes me late. Not only waiting for the washing mind you, it’s all the little things that seem absolutely imperative at the time, that makes me late. My friend empathised. She does the same thing, and a friend of hers say we have to learn to let the thought of doing that one thing go. In order for us to be on time, we have to learn to plan better, let some stuff go and remember that some stuff can wait – even the washing.

I recycle water bottles. Great idea, but it’s an extremely time-consuming chore and I usually leave the task till the last minute, which means I’m late. And no one has shown any sympathy for being late because I was washing my water bottles before leaving the house.

As I’m carrying something from one end of the house to the other, I get distracted by something else that needs doing, so I put what I was carrying down and start with the other thing that needs doing. Within a couple of hours, I’ve left a whirlwind of half-finished jobs from one end of the house to the other.

I also struggle to rest. I can’t sit down and drink a cup of tea or coffee and relax without feeling guilty. As wife and mom, I walk into our house and my head starts spinning with things that need to be done immediately. I need to finish everything that needs to be done first, and then I can sit and rest.

I would love to get into the habit of doing what my father has done for years. Dad would get home from work and him and mom would sit for half an hour, have a cup of tea, and talk about their day. Nothing and no one would interrupt those few precious moments (even the smell of burning rice), and it seemed to have a positive effect on the rest of the evening.

I think I had a mini breakthrough today though; rather than eating while washing water bottles, I sat down to have breakfast and lunch with our children.

Next time you think of something that needs to be done, just before you’re about to step out of the house on your way somewhere, let it go. It can wait. Just go, and be one time – or early.

Mastering temptation

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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July 21, 2016

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Bill battled drug and alcohol addiction for many years before starting his journey to freedom. Relapsing is a scary thought to contemplate for the addict and their loved ones, and Bill suggests three relapse warnings they should be aware of:

Isolation
Internal feelings of discontent, frustration and anger
Delusional Thinking

You may not be a recovering addict, but we all face temptation of some kind most days. The Bible reminds us that God will always warn us when we are being tempted and He will provide a way out; “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). There are times, however, when we don’t heed God’s warning or take the way out that He has provided, and in the case of Cain and Abel, that choice proved fatal.

They were Adam and Eve’s first two sons – Cain, the farmer, and Abel, the shepherd (Genesis 4:1-2). At harvest time, the brothers brought God a portion of their labor; Cain offered crops from the land, while Abel presented the best of the firstborn lambs from his flock. God accepted Abel and his sacrifice, but He rejected Cain and his offering, and this made Cain violently angry and dejected (Genesis 1:3-4)

God asked Cain why he was so downcast and reminded him that he and his sacrifice would have been accepted if he had done what was right. The Lord cautioned; “if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master”(Genesis 1:7 – NLT). This was God providing Cain with a way out of his destructive and negative thoughts, but he refused to take it and ultimately killed his brother (Genesis 1:8).

Just as a recovering addict becomes aware of the triggers that may lead to a relapse so too, when we humble ourselves before God, we become more aware of the things that slow us down and the sin that trips us up (Hebrews 12:1). In our own strength, we can’t master sinful desires, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can escape temptation and resist the devil who aims to steal, kill and destroy us and all we hold dear (Zechariah 4:6, 2 Timothy 2:22, James 4:7, John 10:10).

Look up from your phone

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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July 14, 2016

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A new study has shown that our attention span has dropped from 12 to 8 seconds. That’s one second less than a goldfish can concentrate on a thought while swimming around a fish bowl!

We become easily distracted because we’re always thinking about the next thing. Recent research from Stanford University shows that Millennials in particular are easily distracted and struggle to engage with or learn anything after 30 minutes (27 minutes to be exact).

As radio coach, much of my time is spent training next-generation radio presenters, and I can attest to the validity of this research. My one-hour training sessions have had to be adapted to allow for the short attention span of those I’m teaching. This week I had my first training session with a young guy who heads up the student ministry in a church in our city. As I gave him (what I thought was) a brief overview of radio, I could see his eyes glaze over at around 20 minutes into my enthusiastic delivery. I realised that our next training session would need to involve a lot more variety, change of pace, and active participation.

Social media and our easy access to anything, everything, and everyone we know through our phones has heightened this insatiable desire for something new and different every few minutes.

I know you’ve probably read plenty on the dangers of addiction to social media and digital media but what I wanted to get you to do today is to put your phone on silent and look up at the world around you.

We miss out on so much of the wonder of life because our heads are permanently down, looking at our phones.

Perhaps you’ve been waiting for an exciting opportunity to come your way, or you’ve been hoping for that wonderful man or woman to come along and sweep you off your feet. That opportunity or that guy or girl may be right there in front of you, but because you’re looking down at your phone, reading your Twitter feed, or watching that video on Facebook, you’re missing out.

If you’ve ever travelled on the London underground you’ll know that no one looks at anyone else while sitting on the train. Everyone is either reading the newspaper or they’re looking at their phones. I heard a really great story yesterday about a couple who met as they were getting on the tube. They locked eyes (before they had a chance to look down at their phones), got chatting, went on a date, and now they’re married.

Take the time to look up from your phone today – I guarantee you’ll see some pretty amazing stuff. Enjoy!

Are my twins becoming tweens?

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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July 7, 2016

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His mom seems to think he’s in the throes of the tween years, but I wonder if my nine-year-old nephew is just being a bit stroppy. He’s taken to donning an unfamiliar scowl on his young face, challenges decisions made by authority figures and chooses to sit in adult company rather than play, stating matter-of-factly that he’s too old for games.

I’m not sure what to make of it all and now that our almost nine-year-old twin boy and girl have started displaying similar traits, I can’t help but wonder if they’re being influenced by their slightly older cousin or if the hormones are indeed kicking in and there really is something to the “tween” label?

“Tween” is a term that describes a young person between the ages of 8-14, when they are “between” childhood and the teenage years – a blend of “between” and “teen”.

I’m not a fan of labels, but these recent developments with my nephew and our twins have made me realise that I need to be aware of some unavoidable changes in our little ones. Also, it’s not all bad and it needn’t be scary. As an informed parent, navigating these pre-teen years with a positive attitude can help build a solid foundation for the challenges of the teen and young adult years. Because a pre-teen is more emotionally aware and intellectually advanced, we can help them understand and respond more positively to these changes.

Here are a few things to keep in mind ahead of or in the midst of the tween years:

Everything is up for re-negotiation: discipline, school, homework, and time with family. Maintain a strong bond with your child, while encouraging age-appropriate freedom.

You’ll need to re-consider the way you discipline your tween. As your child progresses from child to adolescent, it may be wise to choose your battles and allow them more responsibility.

As their hormones kick in with puberty approaching, the influence of their peer group will increase dramatically. Know your child’s friends. Encourage them to seek out positive influences and relate real examples of teens that didn’t make wise choices and the negative consequences of those choices. Keep stories about your own life to positive examples, illustrating how you overcame obstacles, for instance.

Tweens want to feel grown up and will naturally copy adult behaviour. Although they want to fit in with their peers, they still rely on you, as the parent, to provide a safe environment and guide them in age-appropriate behaviour.

Learn to ask helpful questions and become a good listener. The tween years provide an excellent opportunity to teach great values, and this is best achieved by listening and relating, rather than lecturing and dictating.

Encourage your tween to embrace good self-management techniques. Getting at least 8-9 hours’ sleep a night, eating healthily, and getting regular exercise will all go a long way to reducing moodiness and will establish positive life-long habits.

They may say unexpected or unkind things. Don’t take it personally and don’t overreact. Love them unconditionally, stay calm, and encourage mutual respect.

They may develop some anxiety or dependency as they become aware of changes in their bodies, the pressure of growing up, and the fear they may feel at the thought of separating from you as parent.

They’ll question your ideas and values and compare them to their peers.

They may make an effort to negotiate and stand on their own.

They see things as black or white and may show a genuine interest and curiosity in spiritual things and faith.

They love being connected through the use of the internet and cell phones and see electronic devices as an extension of themselves.

They value social time with friends and family.

I initially dismissed the idea that our children may be entering the tween years – primarily out of fear of the unknown. As I consider the possibility more seriously however, I see how this could be an exciting time for us as a family if we embrace, rather than run from the reality that our children are growing up and we’re on this journey together.

Tweens need to know that they have a secure home from which they can launch into the exciting but scary world outside the family. Children who feel disconnected from their parents lose their anchor and will often look for it in their peer group. You can make it through the tween years with a firm foundation for the coming teen years by maintaining a strong bond with your child, while encouraging age-appropriate freedom.

And finally, I believe in the power of prayer. I pray for our children every day and ask God for His wisdom and discernment in raising them. Then, I surrender them to Him – after all, God is our Heavenly Father and He takes good care of us, His children.

Ruth O'Reilly-Smith

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