I have a lot of friends. Like a lot.
I realise not everyone can say that, and I also acknowledge that a lot of it has been a by-product of being involved in a lot of different areas in life – from youth ministry to hockey to improv to writing. So it’s more something I’ve stumbled into and am super grateful for, than anything I can say I’ve personally earned.
But more importantly than that, is that I have a lot of really incredible friends.
Friends who are not afraid to go deep. And be real. Friends who will wrestle with significant issues and be okay to not agree on everything.
Make the circle deeper
A few years ago there was that catchy song ‘Make the circle bigger’ (actually Show Dem by JR featuring HHP) that became an ongoing earworm for so many of us.
But if I was going to advise people in the area of friendships, having experienced both lots of friends as well as deep friendships, I would definitely point you towards depth.
We all have an imaginary circle of how we view our friendships. Some people are more like acquaintances that we don’t mind hanging out with but wouldn’t necessarily seek out. Then we have friends who make us laugh and who we can have a good time with. Then come friends who we can talk deeply with and share secrets and fears and struggles with, knowing that information will be safe with them.
And then there is the friend who you can call at 3am in the morning and you know without judgement that they will drive to wherever you are and give you a ride home.
(For me that used to by my friend Rob, who died of cancer a year and a half ago, and although I haven’t tested it out yet, I think my mate Mahlatse will be that guy!)
Time stands still
So, rather than seeking many friends, look for people who you can go deep with. And begin by standing in front of the mirror and making sure that you are that person. Sometimes clichés exist because they are generally true and I believe wholeheartedly that the best way to find a friend is to be a friend.
I am writing this at my friend Debbie’s house where my wife Val and I are staying for a week as we do some work in Durban. Debbie is someone I have been friends with for a very long time, but we don’t even see each other every year (we have probably seen each other three times in the last five years because of living in different places). Yet, every time we connect it’s like we’ve been hanging out non-stop for ever.
We laugh a LOT together, but we also have deep conversations about the situation in our country of South Africa and race issues and God stuff. We care deeply for each other and so time really doesn’t ever seem to weaken our friendship at all. Rather I think it makes us just enjoy the times we are together even more.
Up your friendship game
It’s hard to give advice on how to be a better friend, because each person and each friendship dynamic is so completely different and so often it’s about reading the specific person and seeing what they need. But here are some ideas that might help:
# Make it about them. In a world where most of us have been raised with the idea that this thing is all about us, one of the most helpful things we can do is reject that. The Bible refers to is as ‘Serving one another in love’ and it really is that.
The beauty is that if both people are doing it, then each of you is still being made the center, but you have the extra added benefit of relationship. What do they need? What do they enjoy doing? What is something nice you can do for them?
# Be intentional about listening. When you spend time with your friends, give them a chance to share about how they are doing. As your friendship deepens, create spaces where they feel free to share about their fears and anxieties, struggles with family or work or relationships, and also their hopes and dreams.
A lot of friend moments can be around superficial things like movies, food, music and so forth, but find and make times to talk about the things that really matter to both of you.
# Show up. One of the biggest ways of building friendship is just time spent together when you are able. Put your cellphone away when you spend time with them to show them that they matter, that you are choosing to be present. When it’s their birthday, when you know they are going through a rough time, when they have something to celebrate, make sure you are there.
And that doesn’t mean always in person – make a note, send a message, give them a call, drop them a meme on Facebook. But make sure they know you are part of both their highs and lows.
# Let them level you up. Someone who you might want to be best friends with, may only see you as an acquaintance. If you try to push yourself on to them as a best friend, that will likely cause them to push you away. So if you sense that is the vibe, then be the best acquaintance you can be.
That might be as far as it goes, but if they start to enjoy you more in those limited spaces, they might decide they want to spend more time with you. And the friendship might grow from there. But sometimes that might be as far as it goes. Recognise that and seek deeper friendship elsewhere.
We can never make someone else be friends with us, but we can make ourselves attractive by just being really good friends to them and seeing what happens.
I hope that you have friends like Rob and Debbie in your life. But even more importantly than that, I hope you are being a Rob and Debbie to someone else. With no thought or expectation of getting anything back – just because it is an amazing thing to be.
I’d love to hear about someone who you feel has been like a Rob or Debbie to you. Drop a message in the comments section and tell us about them.