Unless you choose to live completely alone, shut off from the world, and have absolutely no contact with others, at some point you will disagree with someone and most likely experience some form of conflict.
Conflict is part of life. Arguing with those closest to you isn’t exactly a fun experience but it may be helpful to remember that when conflict is resolved well it can strengthen a relationship. It’s through conflict that couples deal with issues and situations that would otherwise pull them apart. The key is learning how to argue in a way that is healthy and that builds rather than destroys. You need to know how to fight fair.
- Remain on topic: It’s easy to get frustrated about one thing and end up fighting about a whole list of minor grievances rather than the main issue. Stick to the point and deal with one problem at a time.
- Don’t air your laundry in public: If something is bothering you, don’t bring it up in front of others. If it’s important it will still be valid at a more appropriate and private time. Fighting fair means you deal with things in private without shaming your significant other or causing unnecessary embarrassment to them or your friends. You’ll only enflame the situation and it’s unlikely that you’ll resolve anything by picking a fight in front of an audience.
- Try and see the other point of view: Just because you feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that everyone will. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see where they are coming from.
- Keep calm: It’s very easy to get overly emotional and either explode or dissolve into a weeping mess. Neither of these are going to help you resolve conflict. If anything, they only make the whole situation harder for everyone. Take a breath and do your best to maintain your self-control. If needed, take a time out and come back to the discussion when you’re calmer.
- Don’t be a bully: Name-calling is never acceptable. Remember that you love the person you’re fighting with and hurting their feelings isn’t going to solve your dispute or bring you closer together. Unkind words can continue to do damage after the initial disagreement has been forgotten.
- Know when to quit: Dragging out a conflict or coming back to an argument that has been settled is an unfair tactic. Similarly holding onto your anger and not finding a way to forgive or move on won’t help anyone. The Bible tells us not to use our anger to fuel revenge or to go to bed still mad, and that’s really good advice!
If you have conflict to resolve remember that you want to resolve it – not just win an argument. In any relationship, but especially in marriages, the focus of discussing issues and fighting things out is to find a common ground where you are both heard and hopefully find a solution. It’s never worth being right or winning the fight if the cost is your relationship.
As a married couple you are now viewed as one. The marriage ceremony uses the words “What God has joined maybe together, let no man separate” and the “no man” includes you! Don’t allow your fighting style to drive a wedge that could lead to permanent separation. Learn instead how to resolve your differences in a way that puts your relationship first and not your need to win.