If I was asked to share one lesson I’ve learned this last year that feels head and shoulders above most others, it would be this: Seek the ‘Both/And’ over the ‘Either/Or’.
Yes, if you were expecting an article on race, you might be disappointed. Things tend not to fall into neat little packaged categories as much as we would like them to.
Don’t letter me with your letters
You may have found yourself in a conversation that sounds a little something like this:
Person one: I am an ESTJ, what are you?
Person two: Oh, I am an ESFP, we probably shouldn’t play golf together.
Or something ridiculous like that. For those of you not in the know, those letters refer to Meyers-Briggs Personality Type indicators.
The first person would be referring to their dominance in Extroversion, Sensing, Thinking and Judgement, while person two was stronger in Feeling and Perception.
I was never a fan of these kinds of tests growing up for two reasons: Firstly, I tend to fall in the middle of most things and so a little bit of everything as opposed to dominant features in any category; but secondly and more importantly, I would watch people box themselves as their particular category, as in the silly golf example I used.
Because I’m a (insert letters here) I can’t do this or I shouldn’t try that. Which I don’t think the tests were designed for. But because we like to put things in categories and boxes the tests can be problematic.
You can keep your label thanks
The same when it comes to labels. When we categorise a person as maybe an extrovert or an introvert, someone who is charismatic or conservative, a liberal or an extremist, we tend to draw lines around them and refuse to believe that anything outside of those lines can exist for them.
On the other hand, when my older sister was recently able to self-identify with some strong introvert tendencies it actually brought her a lot of freedom and relief, because it helped her understand some of the things that gave her life and other things that sapped it.
So there is a place for understanding the tendencies of things, but it’s when we make hard and fast boundaries and have no space for anything outside of them that we miss out.
The ‘Both/And’
Which brings me back to the Both/And. I have noticed this especially with regards to race conversations that we’ve been hosting in South Africa, but it rears it’s head all over the place. The tendency to decide that something is ‘either this or it is that’. It can’t be both. Or even a bit of both. Mostly good but with some negatives. Or mostly bad but with a silver lining.
What I’ve started to learn and see more and more is that when we are open to multiple solutions or even parts of solutions, we are more likely to succeed. Conversations with grow and deepen. People will tend to get more creative. Opportunities start opening up.
So when something happens, instead of labelling it as good or bad, take some extra time to seek out the opinion you don’t naturally have. So if you think something was bad but a lot of people thought it was good, ask them why they thought it was good and maybe you will change your mind. Or you might find that hearing a different opinion even strengthens your opinion on the matter.
We need to stop being scared of engaging with people who think differently from us and open ourselves up to learning. I speak a lot about the importance of critique, especially when we are holding public events or conversations.
When you are staring down what feels like an Either/Or, take a moment to ask whether it might be a Both/And situation? Can you share an example of when you saw something differently like this?