My wife and I have just returned from a week long road trip with visiting friends of ours from Americaland.

At one point in the car we were travelling in, a certain topic of contention between tbV [the beautiful Val] and i was brought up. Our housemates had been wrestling with a similar situation and they asked what we thought.

I got very nervous very quickly. Because I know how this conversation ends.

There were some tense moments, there were some interruptions and some raised voices. There were tears.

We didn’t completely resolve the conflict either. But it was good.

IRON SHARPENS IRON

Wait! How can conflict be good? Especially when you don’t arrive at the same conclusion. Well ‘my conclusion’, I mean, surely?

Well, despite a few tears and some emotion, we managed to create a safe space. By having our former housemates witness our side of the conversation and vice versa, we were able to share some strong opinions without crossing any lines. We were able to listen both to what our partner was saying, but also to have an outside perspective of a similar situation playing out in someone else’s lives.

Proverbs 27.17 says, ‘As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.’

Picture a sword that has been stunningly crafted – maybe your mind goes instantly to young Arthur grasping hold of the mighty Excalibur and pulling it from the rock, or Captain Jack Sparrow fighting off a number of English guards.

A sword being swung through the air often has this almost regal quality. In the hands of a professional swordsman [or woman!] it can appear to dance in the air, to sing.

Yet, if you backtrack a little bit to the moment that magnificent sword is being created by an expert blacksmith, you might stumble upon a seemingly horrific thing (if you didn’t know better).

TRUTH SPOKEN IN LOVE

You watch the blacksmith as he takes a metal hammer and strikes the piece of metal held before him on the anvil. Strike after strike he mercilessly pounds the heated metal, which slowly starts to take shape. The pounding can seem brutal, but when you get to witness the finished product, it all makes perfect sense.

In Ephesians 4, the Bible talks about “speaking the truth in love” and I firmly believe this is the key to a strong growing and healthy relationship.

There are previous times when I have spoken some of the same things I said to Val in the car to her (truth) but more with the point of winning the argument or getting my way, and the love has been lacking. That is not helpful or healthy.

There might have been other times when I have treated her really well and looked after her (love) but have avoided wrestling with the truth of this particular argument, because I know it will be tough or painful or messy. That too is not healthy or helpful.

LEARNING THE DANCE TOGETHER

If I listened to everything Val thought or wanted to do and agreed all the time, things would not end up in the best place they could.

Similarly, if she did the same with me.

Our marriage is strengthened by the fact that we think and work differently in different ways which sometimes see us bumping heads or pushing back and wrestling over ideas and vision and process. But it makes us stronger. As long as we remember the joint messages of “iron sharpens iron” and “speaking the truth in love”.

Sometimes, especially because we both have strong personalities, it helps us greatly to have someone else (a counsellor, a friend, a mentor) in the room to help us to stay on track and remember that loving each other well is much better than being right.

But the iron striking iron is crucial if we are to grow – especially as we tackle difficult topics in our marriage and in South Africa such as how we deal with money, how we engage with race conversations and how we look after the planet better,

tbV and I will need to revisit that conversation again sometime. And it may still not be an easy one. But we both know that we love each other and are both seeking the best for both of us and so it is worth some pain and sweat and conflict to get closer to reaching a solution.

In the meantime we will continue to hammer those blows upon our marriage together with the passion of a blacksmith seeking to craft the strongest and most beautiful weapon in the land.