My wife tbV (the beautiful Val) and I have been married for close to seven years and we attend marriage counselling.
I know, I know, it sounds a little bit like an AA confession. And I think for most people it will be. The idea of marriage counselling for a marriage that is not in trouble may seem a little strange.
CART BEFORE THE HORSE?
Most people I know who get married have a series of counselling sessions before the wedding to prepare them for the journey ahead. This is a good thing. But a lot of it is hypothetical stuff, especially for the couple who at that point are typically zoned-in on the wedding day and not much beyond that is actually being taken on.
Then we have the wedding day, and in another mysterious tradition we put all the finances and focus and attention on that one day as if it is the end point, whereas in reality that is just step one of an exciting journey. The crowds show up, the music, the presents, the food, and an amazing day is had by all…
…and then… crickets.
Now that you’re married, you’re on your own; best of luck to you.
WHEN MARRIAGE COUNSELLING HELPS
But then comes your first fight as a married couple. Then comes the realisation that you both have very different ways of dealing with finances. Then comes the moment that you realise that his parents want to have a much larger say in your day-to-day life than you had expected. Perhaps she totals the car, or you lose your job, or you both face the after-effects of a miscarriage.
One thing a lot of people fail to tell you about marriage going in, is that it can be difficult! You’ve lived the majority of your adult life on your own, making all your own decisions, spending your money how you choose, and now suddenly there is someone else involved in all of those decisions.
Which is where marriage counselling comes in.
To be honest, there were some big issues that tbV and I had when we started receiving marriage counselling. But we found that getting an external perspective on different things we were struggling with really helped us, even when those issues weren’t around any more. It has also helped us do conflict so much better when other issues have come up.
And it’s for that reason that I really want to suggest that all married couples consider signing up for some sessions.
WISDOM FROM THOSE WHO HAVE WALKED THE PATH
It doesn’t have to be a professional counsellor – maybe it’s even just being able to find an older couple who you both respect and who will agree to hang out with you at regular intervals.
For too long counselling has carried the stigma of being a sign of weakness, whereas seeking out ways to improve your walked out journey can only be a beneficial thing. It helps having people who have faced issues you are working through or might be able to give you an outside perspective that sees past some of your blind spots.
I would love to hear stories from anyone else who has been to some form of counselling and found it helpful and life-giving.