The first time I truly experienced this “Mom Guilt” was when my son was just a few days old. He had spinal tension and full blown colic. Therefore he was constantly screaming, and because I was anxious and still recovering from my C-section, I was a nervous wreck. Which made things worse, for both mom and son.
Malakai was in pain, I was in pain, and I felt very helpless, as I felt like I was not getting this “mom thing”. Have you ever felt like this? Like you weren’t getting this whole mom thing?
I used to feel that no matter what I did, or how I did it, it just made things worse. The crying from 12 till 6 am EVERY NIGHT. Then crying throughout the day for four to five hours, was killing me. It was soul destroying, and what would make it worse, was when other moms would say “Trust me, you will know what every little cry means, and you will know exactly what to do”.
NOPE! That did not happen! I felt like I was constantly trying to play baby charades with my son. And I felt like the worst player, because it felt like I was getting it wrong ALL THE TIME! The moments where I was totally alone with my son, were the scariest for me, as I felt vulnerable, and very fearful of my son.
How strange is that? To feel afraid of a new-born baby? I was meant to be the mom! I was meant to make my son feel safe and secure, but I didn’t even feel safe myself! I felt these waves of guilt knock me down with its weight. I felt overwhelmed, I felt disappointed in myself, I felt like a failure, I was frustrated, angry, sleep deprived and I felt like the worst mom on the planet, which in turn made me feel very guilty!
Hello Mom Guilt!
Mom guilt can be a vicious cycle. It comes and it goes, then it comes and then it goes, like waves.
Here’s my mom guilt confession list:
I felt guilty when
I thought about leaving my son at my mom for the first time when he was still a new-born.
I felt guilty when
I put him down angrily in his cot after him screaming non-stop.
I felt guilty when
I stopped breast feeding and expressed milk into bottles when he was only 10 days old.
I felt guilty when
I introduced formula milk at seven weeks old.
I felt guilty when
He fell off the bed.
I felt guilty whenÂ
He slipped in the bath.
I felt guilty when
I had no choice but to go back to work when my son was only four months old.
I felt guilty when
Malakai had to stay over in hospital not once BUT twice under the age of one due to health reasons.
I felt guilty when
We found out he had allergies, and most of the things we fed him were things he was allergic to.
I felt guilty when
I missed his class year end function because I had to work.
I felt guilty when
I yelled at my son out of frustration because I ran out of patience.
The truth is, that Mom Guilt comes and it goes, it is inevitable, and it comes with the territory! But how do we deal with it? How do we move past it without letting it consume us?
Then He said to me
I remember a moment so clearly where I was desperately trying to rock my son to sleep. I was angry, I was tired, I was frustrated, and I felt guilty for feeling all of those things. I said to God, “Why, did you do this to me? Why do I have to have it so bad? Why can’t I just enjoy this season? ”
There was quiet for a moment. Then in that silence, I heard this response in my heart:
“My daughter, it will never be easy when raising a legend, chin up!”
I burst into tears. I realized that I let guilt enter my heart, I let it settle and make a comfortable home in my heart. I realized that I let the hurt, the fears, the failures, the disappointments, and the guilt control and consume me.
God reminded me:
1) Daughter
God reminded me that I was His daughter, I was still His child. Therefore I still need Him to guide me, to parent me in a lot of ways. He reminded me that I don’t need to have it “all together”, all of the time, that’s His job! Because I am His daughter, I can come to Him, I can feel safe in Him, I can find rest and solace in Him.
2) We are raising legends.
There will be seasons of joy, ease, and celebration. With greatness there is challenge. Challenges can refine our character, and it can inspire and strengthen those around us, and those in our care. Sometimes we need to embrace the crazy that motherhood brings, and remind ourselves that it is normal to have “those days”, but don’t let “those days” swallow you whole!
3) Chin up.
When our focus is down cast, we look at the immediate, and we become overwhelmed by our circumstances. But when we look up, and focus our gaze heaven ward, we place our eyes, our concerns, our hopes to the one who believes in us, who has confidence in us.
Chin up beautiful mom, you’ve got this!
Beautiful friend, please know and trust that you can do all things with the help of Jesus. He will strengthen you when you feel like you have nothing more to give, He will guide you when you need to make tough parenting decisions. He will refresh you when you feel empty and a bit lost. The best part with doing this parenting gig with Jesus, is that we can click “RESTART” button daily if not hourly, especially when we rely on him to help us through it!
You are not alone in this! Your best parenting days are ahead of you! If you would like to click the restart button, why not click on the link below to help you get started!