Coming home at 6 am from a crazy night of partying about 8 years ago, I still lived at home so my mother was up getting ready for work and the look of sadness and hurt on her face when she saw me in my drunken state was something I will never forget.
The reason this impacted me so much was because just months before I committed my life to God and went on a discipleship training school ( DTS ) with Youth With A Mission ( YWAM ) my experience there was so amazing and God instilled so many dreams in my heart but when I returned home I had no friends that had experienced what I did, in fact, none of my friends really understood or cared about my experience. So when I returned to normal life I was not strong enough to resist what I thought I didn’t want anymore. Sadly I went into a downward spiral of partying, drugs, sex and the rest, even though before I was saved I did those things, this time it seemed so much worse because I knew the calling I had on my life and I knew better but rebelled and still did what I knew was not beneficial for my life.
That day I came home in the early hours of the morning was a defining day for me because I realized just how much my actions were breaking, not only my heart and spirit but also my mom’s. When she left for work that morning I broke down in a way I never had before, suddenly shame and guilt riddled my mind and I was overcome with sadness and disappointment at the person I had become. I sat in the lounge and started thinking the thoughts that maybe some of you reading this could relate to – maybe If I wasn’t here anymore the pain would go away, maybe if I wasn’t here I wouldn’t be able to hurt any more people.
So I started googling ways to end my life but at the same time I was doing this I saw my mom had a playlist of songs from Hillsong church that she had been playing before she left for work. Something in me just felt like pressing play, in an instant of listening tears started streaming down my face in an uncontrollable way. I knew that God was calling my heart back to His. In a complete and utter surrender because I was so desperate for my life to change I worshipped God in my lounge that morning and in the same breath I felt to contact someone at Hillsong church who could help me. Within minutes somebody phoned me and asked me to come grab a coffee with them. That following Sunday was a defining day for me as I recommitted my life again to God and have not looked back since.
This is what I want you to learn from my journey:
- God is the God of second, third, fourth….. chances. He NEVER LEAVES US! Even when we reject him the minute we draw ourselves near he is there waiting with open arms to our cry.
- I felt like I wasn’t good enough for God. unworthy to even ask him to save me but in my desperate surrender, I felt God say to me that there is NOTHING that could EVER separate me from his love. and in that surrender, God created such a desire in me for worship. What is it that God wants to show you for your future that you are holding back because you feel unworthy?
- I felt extremely lonely, feeling sorry for myself. My perspective was not open but the minute I stepped foot into church God opened my eyes and allowed me to see that not only can I be apart of a community but that I was not the only one going through hard times, lack of identity, insecurity etc… my loneliness quickly turned into an urgency to let others know that they are not alone.
- I can come as I am. As soon as I walked into church I felt God whisper to me, come as you are. I had a lot of issues, faults, sins, and lists of things I had done wrong but God did not care about those things and it did not require me to be perfect before I came to church, in fact it was the opposite. I could come just as I am, broken, alone and desperate. That day God took my heart and started healing it as well as molded me into all he intended for me from the beginning.
What I was not aware of back then was that God died not only for my past sins but for my future ones as well. The blood that Jesus shed on the cross was so that we could live in relationship with him for eternity. It simply is not about what we can do or can not do to get into Gods good books, it’s all about what Jesus did on the cross and that he died so that we can have life, he rose so that we can have the holy spirit to walk with, talk with and guide us through this life until we live with him in heaven.