The other day I was watching some children at the park.
The one little boy – well he was not so little – walked up to one of the little girls (she really was), grabbed the toy she was playing with and pushed her down.
I thought to myself, “Well that doesn’t seem to be a great way to behave, but I can’t possibly be sure, because I don’t have children of my own.”
Pretty ridiculous, right? Except that is how people without children are treated: Because you don’t have children of your own, you can’t possibly know anything at all helpful about children.
MY CHILDREN CV
If you take a quick glimpse over my history, you will find that I actually have crossed paths with a fair amount of children. I was young once (in a galaxy, long long away) and had a sister who was two years older than me and then a much younger sister as well.
I grew up involved in Sunday school (as a teacher of young children) and a youth leader (also junior youth with young children) and was very involved in Scripture Union holidays clubs for a number of years (leading small groups of children and larger groups of children). I have been a babysitter (although technically that term should be children-sitter ’cause they are seldom babies) and I have lived with people with young children (a lot over the last two years).
Oh and I studied primary school teaching for four years and have taught to some extent on three different continents and worked with children in at least six different countries.
SO WHAT IF I DO?
We tend to disqualify people from having opinions from things they are not directly involved in and yet often it can be an outside view that might be most helpful in identifying our blind spots.
To suggest that I know nothing about raising children, about the possibilities of creative discipline, about actions and words that are or are not okay, is absolutely ludicrous to me.
Because I see.
I see when you promise a child a consequence for a negative behaviour and then don’t follow through with it. I see how your child pushes it further the next time (because they know!)
I see when you say one thing but do another (and how confusing it is for your child and how much more likely their behaviour is to reflect that).
I see when mom and dad give conflicting commands directly after each other and how that lesson sinks in and how your child quickly learns who to go to for what answer.
I see all those and so much more.
CONSIDER EXTENDING AN INVITATION
It seems to be an issue of pride among parents that they should somehow know best for their child. I’m sure on many occasions this is absolutely true, but also that sometimes it might be okay if someone else can be invited in to help out.
Because I also see how tired you are, I see how frustrated you get with always feeling frustrated with your child and just want them to be able to have some fun and enjoy life and not live in the constant “No!” or “Stop that” or “Leave that alone!” I see how you deeply desire to be your child’s best friend the way you wanted that kind of relationship with your parents growing up and maybe never had (It’s going to be different with me!)
But I also see and know (despite not being a parent myself) that it is so completely tiring and draining having to do it all and navigate all the fights and behaviour and mealtimes and not-wanting-to-eat-that and more. And I’m offering my help. I don’t know best. But I do have some knowledge and skills or maybe at the very least just some energy you might not have right now to be able to deal with your child. And the bonus is that I don’t need to be their friend.
So parents, you’re doing great, but you do not have to do it alone. There are many other people like me, some with children, some without, who will gladly step in and help out or offer advice or take some of the push back, but we do need your invitation. Because for too long we have been considered useless and obsolete and have had it made very clear to us that we don’t know anything and that our help is not needed and wanted.
But maybe next time when you’re feeling completely drained and like you may not make it through another day like this, well maybe then you’ll risk giving us a try. Because we do love your children too, although I imagine not as much as you.