“Road rage… Oh, I have that…. I always have to think of what the person may be going through and channel that empathy to calm down… I mean, what if they’re rushing because a family member died? Or because something serious is happening at their home?” said my friend Gabi.
She turned to me with a genuinely distraught face and I couldn’t help chuckling. We had been talking about different pet peeves that just push us over the edge when the topic of how other people drive came up. That, and bad service.
There are so many things that happen a thousand times a day that, if we let them, will totally ruin us. We can end up using so much energy and time hating and being angry that it’ll be hard to have any energy left to enjoy life.
JESUS AND PEACE
The distinct nature of Christ is that of peace and gentleness.
- Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28 (ESV)
No wonder He is called Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6), he promises to give us, ‘His peace.’ (John 14:27), and Galatians 5:22 (ESV) ‘But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, …’
THINK ABOUT IT FOR TWO SECONDS: Would you describe your self as a person of peace or lacking peace?
A classic example of ‘non-peace’ is road rage – where driving related outbursts of anger lead to fights, recklessness, accidents, shootings and even to murder – we see this all the time in my home country. Other classic battle grounds where people lose peace, and engage in potentially very destructive strife is – in marriage, between workers and employers, teachers and learners, etc.
ANGER VS PEACE
Anger is often the problem, not the solution. Being peaceful is not weakness but strength. Being angry is often the weak, cowardly way.
“An angry person causes trouble; a person with a quick temper sins a lot”. Proverbs 29:22(NCV)
God sees anger as the foolish, evil option. Did you know that?
A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated. Proverbs 14:17 (ESV)
It shows a lack of wisdom. It demonstrates folly – lunacy and madness – and is destructive.
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. Proverbs 15:18 (ESV)
How we react to anger will inflame or defuse it. Whereas anger destroys … peace and gentleness are life-giving….
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Proverbs 15:1 (ESV)
BUT WHY IS IT SO HARD SOMETIMES?!
HOW TO HANDLE DIFFERENCES PEACEABLY
If our desire is to honor Christ, everything else will follow.” …
Here some practical tips, taken from professional conciliators, that can help you resolve personal conflict:
- Define the problem and stick to the issue. Conflict deteriorates when the issue that started the conflict gets lost in angry words, past issues, or hurts tossed into the mix.
- Pursue purity of heart.“Take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5 NASB). Before approaching others regarding their faults and shortcomings, prayerfully face up to your own. Confess any way you might have contributed to the problem.
- Plan a time for the discussion. Choose a time when you are both rested and likely to respond in love to the other person’s concerns. When you are tired, stressed, and distracted with other responsibilities, things rarely will go well.
- Affirm the Relationship. Before clearly defining the problem take a moment to be positive about your relationship. For example, “Our relationship is important to me. But when you don’t return my calls, I feel rejected and unimportant.” Avoid blaming the other person and saying, “You make me feel…” Instead, say, “When you do ‘A’, I feel ‘B’.”
- Listen carefully. Once you share your feelings, listen to the other person’s perspective. Lean in; be present. Make sure your body language conveys that you are open to the other’s perspective. Reflect back to the individual what you believe you have heard. For example, “I heard you say that you feel expectations from me. Is that correct?”
- Forgive. Forgive others as Christ has forgiven you. Make forgiveness concrete with four promises:
◦ I promise I won’t bring this up and use it against you in the future.
◦ I promise I’m not going to dwell on it in my own heart and mind.
◦ I’m not going to talk to other people about it.
◦ I’m not going to let it stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.
- Propose a solution. Remember the relationship is more important than the issue. When working toward a solution, consider what it says in Philippians 2:4-5: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Seek solutions that keep everyone’s best interests in mind.
FINAL ADVICE
Try your best not to involve unnecessary people in your strife – try to confront in the official biblical order:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.’ Matthew 18:15 (ESV)
It’s hard but you have to try not to capitalise on people’s mistakes and blame them for losing your peace and getting angry and take responsibility for your own lack of self-control – saying, ‘You made me do it!’
Apologise quickly even if you are only partially wrong. (*DEAR GOD HELP ME*)
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9).
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