The issue of educating children according to their temperament and learning type instead of following a universal, standardised programme is not a new topic for discussion. For many years parents and teachers have been aware that children (just like us adults) come in all shapes and sizes. Some children are academically gifted, others are artistic, some are practical and hands-on, and others… well you get the picture. The tricky part is finding a way to encourage and teach in a way that benefits and speaks to each individual. For those of us who are responsible for raising little people this problem isn’t confined to the classroom. How effectively you relate to your child on any level has as much to do with their personality type as it does your skill as a parent.
Blessing or a curse
It’s a wonderful moment in the life of a parent when you begin experiencing your baby’s personality. Recognising the attributes that make up your child’s temperament is part of the journey of getting to know them as an individual and it’s wonderful to see who they are, emerging before your eyes. As great as this reality is, it can also come with its challenges. Personality and temperament are the reason that no two children are alike. What works for one child, may not necessarily work for another.
We broke the mould
I have four children. They are all wonderful but they are also all completely different. My firstborn has always been an active, out-going, fill-the-room kind of child. She is very social, loves to laugh and have fun, and does it all loudly.
When I was pregnant with my second child I was told that baby number two would be the complete opposite to baby number one. I was expecting to find that my second baby would be quiet, subdued, and as introverted as my first is extroverted. My second child is definitely different to her older sister but she isn’t quiet – she does everything in her own time and on her own terms but she isn’t the “opposite” personality that I was lead to expect she would be.
All four of my kids have shown me that there is no such thing as a one size fits all when it comes to raising children. If you’re finding it difficult to connect with your child or feel like you’re just not getting through to them, don’t feel alone. I think all parents feel this way at some point in the journey. Here are a few things that might help you stay calm and find a solution:
1. Take a step back
Frustration is the enemy of parenting well. If you’re frustrated, chances are your child is equally frustrated and that’s a combination that will lead to disaster. Remember, you’re the grown-up – if you can’t keep perspective, difficult situations have the potential to spiral and work against what you’re trying to achieve, which ultimately is you and your child working towards the same goal.
2. Listen and learn
I think it’s a rite of passage that parents get it wrong sometimes. The trick is when things don’t go the way you want them to, learn from your mistakes. For example, if timeouts as a form of discipline have no effect at all, change tactic. If asking for help or for a task to be done falls on deaf ears, try showing what you want done by physically working together.
3. Speak the same language
Your child is more likely to listen and behave as requested when they feel loved and understood. This may sound easy but in his book The Five Love Languages Dr Gary Chapman explained that each of us have a unique love language. This means we feel love in the actions of others based on what we consider to be important. For example, if you value gifts and material things you will feel more loved when people give you something tangible than if they give you a hug. This means your “love language” is the language of gifts. It’s very possible that your child has a different love language than you do and it will make a big difference if you learn their language and tell them that you love them in ways they will understand.
Horses for courses
A cookie cutter, all-from-the-same-mold family is a very rare thing and the rest of us just have to adjust our approach accordingly to fit the personality of the little individual we are parenting. The thing to bear in mind when trying to parent children with different personalities is that while you may need to tailor your approach to fit the temperament, you need to remain consistent with the desired outcome.
You can do it!
The Bible talks about the fact that we have all been beautifully and wonderfully made by God. We are unique, perfectly formed, and designed with our own personalities, likes and dislikes, areas of brilliance, and points of weakness. Children are no exception. As parents it takes grace and patience to mould and encourage, and skill to bring out the best in each precious individual. In the book of Psalms we are told:
“Children are a gift from God”
God not only gave you your child, He has also given you the ability to be exactly the right sort of parent that your child needs you to be.