I have been married for six years. The awkward ‘relationship status’ questions have long since been replaced with the equally-as-fun ‘baby’ questions and statements, particularly to a couple who has chosen not to have children.

So a different kind of “weird”, but I still get the vibe.

Which is why a number of years ago I invited a number of my incredible single friends to share a glimpse of their story on my blog. To my surprise, a number of them bravely agreed and you can catch up on some of those stories over here.

Both the relationship status and baby questions can be dangerous ones to inflict upon people as each situation is different. When someone has recently endured a difficult break-up or you are inquiring of a couple who have been struggling with infertility, your innocent question can actually unknowingly be a source of pain.

STOP PANICKING

I believe that we often go to those kinds of questions to fill empty space. Too many of us don’t know how to easily deal with that and we need to stop it. Get to know who people are and build deep relationships with them before rushing into places that can be quite intimate and personal.

What was both interesting and helpful to me when my friends started sharing their stories, was just how unique ad different each one was:

In the midst of the struggles and journey of being single, there is life. My life. And it is valuable, good and blessed. It has a purpose beyond marriage and children. A purpose that I’m constantly working at uncovering and developing and some days I “get” it and some days I don’t. And it’s still strangely hopeful. [Sam]

At times, I feel barren. Not only barren in my childbearing but barren as a lover as well. I don’t have children or a husband, and so I really have no immediate blood family. Please, please, be sensitive to this barrenness in me. Please don’t tell me that I have done something wrong in not letting go, and the result of that shortcoming is my barrenness. [Kate]

Song of Songs 7: 11 & 12 – “Come, my beloved, let us go forth to the field, let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards, let us see if the vine has budded, whether the grape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love.” There is just something in that scripture that speaks so profoundly to me of freedom. Maybe it was, back then, the whispered hope that a shared adventure could actually be in the will of God for my life.[Cilnette]

I am gifted with singleness. Although it appears in Christian gifting questionnaires, it’s the one everyone hopes they won’t “get”. Everyone is much more enthusiastic about Genesis’s “It is not good for man to be alone” than Paul’s “I wish everyone could be as I am [i.e. single and celibate]”. But it’s true: singleness is a gift. In most ways that matter, and unlike many people I know, I’m good by myself. I like my own company, my life has more meaning and purpose than I can handle, and when it comes to my three lovely married siblings (two younger than me), I notice other people’s anticipation of my supposed comparative misery before said misery even appears on the horizon. Not to say that I don’t have dark moments when I rail at how life can be so hard when it’s “just you”. But I have no illusions that marriage would automatically be better. [Different Kate]

EVERY STORY IS DIFFERENT

As with a married couple you meet who may have just suffered a miscarriage or be struggling with infertility or simply chosen not to have children, each story is so completely different. Let’s try harder not to rush to assumptions.

One way we can connect better with single people we meet is perhaps by asking a question like, ‘How do you feel about Singleness?’ which doesn’t assume anything but gives invitation and space to share a bit of their story if they want to.

Another helpful question to ask your single friends is how you as a married couple can support, celebrate and include them? A weird dynamic often comes into effect when people get married between them and their single friends and it can be helpful to address that early on.

As single or married people, we need to be willing to take a step towards the other person or couple so that we can figure out this life thing together.

Navigating relationships and friendships can be tough. If you’d like to find out more about this, click on the banner below.