Marriage, while being wonderful in very many ways, isn’t always a walk in the park. Ask any couple who’ve been married for more than a week and they can tell you, joining your life to another person, accommodating someone else’s hopes and preferences, not to mention their insecurities and fears (because we all have those in varying measure), is a juggling act of patience, perseverance, love and commitment. A great marriage (because who really just wants an average one?) takes work and effort from both parties but its value is beyond compare.

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and health

I read an article recently in the Huffington post about the 11 be-all-end-all mistakes that lead to divorce. It was sobering reading because as much as a wife or a husband may promise to never cheat, lie or physically abuse their other half, the things that lead to divorce are much subtler and easier to fall into. Of the 11 points, the one that jumped out was about people going into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. In those circumstances they eventually leave because their needs haven’t been fulfilled or met by their significant other.

News flash! A person, no matter how amazing they are, will never be able to make you happy 100% of the time. I’m sorry if that’s burst a few bubbles or sounds super negative, but let me explain why the “happily ever after” has a few conditions attached to it before you start throwing fruit and calling me a humbug.

Take the good with the bad

People are people. They are mostly wonderful, but they are also flawed. Some are selfish, some are thoughtless, some are petty, and most of us are a combination of all the ugly personality traits we’d rather not acknowledge. We may try to overcome these faults but sooner or later one or the other individual (and usually both) does something that will hurt or annoy their partner. It may not be intentional but it will happen.

On top of that men and women are different. We think differently, prioritise differently, and communicate differently, and therein lies another place where problems and disconnects can arise. And to cap it all, different individuals show and feel love in different ways. Sounds like a lost cause? Not at all – you just need to recognise where these differences can cause issues and find ways to bridge the gaps.

Becoming bilingual

A number of years ago the author Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled The Five Love Languages. In his book Dr Chapman outlined five separate ways in which people feel or accept love. He said that by learning which “language” your spouse experiences love in, you are able to show them love in a way that they understand and appreciate. The five languages are:

  • Acts of service: Basically we’re talking about doing things for someone. Taking out the rubbish, cleaning the car, helping with a tiresome or difficult task or making them breakfast. Someone who speaks this love language feels most loved and taken care of when their significant other does something tangible to help lighten their load.
  • Words of affirmation: This language is all about encouragement and positive verbal expressions. It’s about sincere compliments, spoken gratitude, and written notes or letters. All of these things go a long way towards filling the love tank of someone who feels love through affirmation.
  • Physical touch: This may seem like an obvious display of love but physical touch for someone who speaks this as a love language, goes beyond the normal levels. Hugs, hand holding, cuddling on the couch, shoulder rubs, and of course sex all speak loudly to a physical touch person.
  • Quality time: When you’re married you tend to spend a lot of time with your spouse, but quality time is a bit more focused and intentional than just living in the same space. Turning off the cell phones, television and any other distraction is key. Planning one-on-one moments and giving undivided attention all add up to “I love you” for a quality time speaker.
  • Giving gifts – We’re talking presents. Not for a specific occasion (although you mustn’t forget those!) but just because. Something thoughtful, no matter how small, fill up the love tank for a gifts person, as does showing gratitude when they give a gift to you!

There is no quick fix or absolute guarantee when it comes to building a strong relationship but it helps when you are both committed to finding a way to make the other person feel as loved and appreciated as you can. A good marriage requires an “all or nothing” approach where you not only do your part but you go the extra mile way to make sure you, as a couple, find a way to have the kind of “happily ever after” that can happen in real life.  At the end of the day, if you’re looking to your spouse to meet all your needs both of you are going to end up hurt and disappointed because that’s an unfair expectation to put on anyone.