Tantrums. We’ve all heard of them, most of us have seen one in full flow. Until you become a parent you may be deceived into believing that these delightful displays are reserved for the proverbial ‘terrible twos’, but oh how wrong you would be!!!

A perfect storm

I have four children. Wonderful little beings with personality in truck loads. My oldest is 7 and my baby is 16 months old.   Given the correct circumstances and the proper motivation, any one of my kids can completely lose the plot with dramatic effect. It’s really rather impressive to watch and sometimes the trigger is so seemly insignificant it amazes me but in no way am I claiming that my children are monsters or that my parenting skills leave much to be desired, in fact just the opposite. Having spent many hours chatting to moms I know that even the best parent and the most calm and placid kiddie can find themselves at the mercy of a terrible tantrum but the trick is knowing how to deal with it and spotting the signs before things get ugly!

Insane in the membrane

Experts tell us that typically tantrums surface around about the age of 1 and can last until the age of 4. Having said that this age bracket varies depending on who you’re listening too and let’s face it, if you have more than one child you know that regardless of what is written in the parenting books, most children march to their own drum and develop in their own time. For those of you who like science (I know you’re out there!) there is a biological reason behind the ragings of your little angel and it’s all to do with a section of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. This area of the brain controls our ability to reign in our emotions and manage our social interaction but, and here’s the important part, it only starts to develop around about the age of 4, so up until that point anything goes!! Fun stuff!!

Trigger: unhappy

Tantrums can come out of nowhere and strike at any time but having watched my own children I know that certain things contribute and make my job as a parent a bit harder.

  • Tiredness – Late nights, missed nap times, short or disturbed naps or a combination of the above all spell trouble. I know that if I’ve not had enough sleep it’s a good idea to keep your distance so if I struggle as an adult, how is a little person who doesn’t have emotional control going to cope.
  • Hunger – Food is a powerful tool. I’ve noticed how incredibly happy and excited my daughter gets when she knows she’s going to eat. I’ve also seen my hubby and my son get seriously hangry (hungry+angry) when a meal is delayed for some reason. It’s hard to stay calm when your stomach is empty!
  • Attention or lack thereof – Children need attention. It’s stating the obvious but imagine you’re trying to have a conversation with someone and they’re constantly checking their phone, watching the tv or speaking to someone else. How would you react? Kids are the same. I know that if I’m distracted and not giving the attention that’s being asked for, things spiral very quickly.
  • Sugar – I’m not a sugar nazi, I believe in moderation, so we limit the amount of sugary things our kids get. I’ve seen the effect that too many treats can have on four little people and it’s really not pretty!

Be the parent

The root cause of most tantrums is frustration, normally over not getting what they want but how as a good parent do you avoid a showdown of epic proportions without bending to the will of a little person and giving in to their every need. You can’t give a child everything they want, because they don’t know what’s good for them. For example, my kids often want to help me cook. They would love nothing more than to stir every pot, chop every vegetable and take things out of the oven. I know there is a limit to what they are capable of and have to draw a line. It would be irresponsible of me to let a 2 year old carry a boiling pan of water to the sink but when I say no….. so how do you avoid the tantrum but still remain in control of the situation?

  • Keep Calm and Carry on – The last thing you should do in the face of a tantrum is to throw a tantrum back. I saw a great ad of a mom having a tantrum in the supermarket as a way of stopping a tantrum by her child. It makes for good advertising but in real life you’re going to add to the problem and demonstrate a really bad way of dealing with your emotions.
  • Start at home – Don’t wait until you’re out shopping or at a restaurant to deal with meltdowns. Start showing what is acceptable and what is out of line at home and it will make dealing with issues in public much easier. Consistency is the key.
  • Walk away – Where you can and if it’s safe, ignore the outburst. Sometimes it better to let it blow itself out than to step in. If it is a demand for attention by giving attention you’re reinforcing the bad behaviour. Attention needs to be given before the melt down not during it.
  • Create a diversion – Find something more fun, in a different location, anything that will take the focus off the cause of the tantrum.

You’re not alone

Being a parent is hard work and at times it can be frustrating, draining and downright scary but the bible tell us that children are a gift and navigating childhood with all its challenges and joys is part of that. God has given us the ability and the strength to dig deep, be patient and find the wisdom to nurture the children he has given us.   I like to remind myself on the days that don’t go to plan or where tantrums steal the peace of my home, that tomorrow is a new day and that God has given me everything I need to be the mama my children deserve. It’s not in my own strength but it’s through his strength working in me.

If you would like to know more about how God’s strength can help you, please click the link below