It’s 5pm on a Friday afternoon. I’ve been doing the same design work for three days. My eyes are burning and my head is full. A lady from MTN phones to offer me data – I’m rude and straightforward with her (poor woman is only doing her job). My boss walks up to my computer: “Can I ask you to change something quickly?” I sigh; I’m focused and I don’t want to be interrupted. I also know that quick is very relative and 5pm is never a good time to start a project. I vaguely attempt to hide my bad attitude. “Okay, I guess…”
Two hours later I get home. Drop my bags in a pile. Barely able to greet my housemates, I walk into my room and lay vertically across my duvet. Whew! My phone rings. It’s my best friend. Her boyfriend has broken up with her and she needs someone to talk to. Thoughts cross my mind. I consider not answering…
I feel bad for not wanting to answer. I feel impatient. All I can think about is my bed. I’m not the best version of myself.
It’s 10am on a Saturday morning. I’ve slept in, read my Bible, had a light breakfast. I’ve done my laundry for the week and the sun is shining – ready for spring. I feel fresh. My mom calls and I talk to her for an hour. I hear about how stressful her week was (she’s a teacher; most weeks are stressful). I drift into the house and watch an episode of New Girl. Towards the end of the series my best friend sends me a message – “Hey babe, are you free?”
“Yup, give me five.” I make a cup of coffee, sit down, and give her a call. One of her bosses at work have been unfair and pulled a class of hers (she’s a fitness instructor). I listen and encourage her.
I feel so good about myself. I rock. I’m awesome. I’m caring and I’m making the world a better place.
All of us have our good and our bad sides. Our good and our bad days. The thing is, we feel bad about ourselves when we have bad days or when we treat people badly. Something inside us knows we can do better. It’s as if we are the self who we are, and then a self who we wish to be, with a large divide between the two.
What does the good me look like?
The good me shows genuine kindness, seeing others as valuable in and of themselves and not for manipulative purposes. It shows gentleness, abandoning itself to the creator. It shows patience, having a deeper concern for God’s plans and ways than our own.
What does the bad me look like?
The bad me is fearful, protective, possessive, manipulative, destructive, self-promoting, indulgent, and distinction-making. It sees people as commodities and purpose as selfish.
When I became a Christian and accepted Jesus into my heart it was as if some inner wall between the who I am self and the who I can be self was removed. A switch was flipped; the world felt “right”.
However, everything didn’t change overnight. I wasn’t now “nice” all the time. I found that although I had a new strength and sense of what I could be, I wasn’t there and that was frustrating.
As Christians we are struggle with the two “mes”. The one me which we are slowly trying to change and the new me which we are working towards. If you feel that way, too, don’t worry – you are normal. The key is to relax and let the Holy Spirit, God’s helper, teach you and change you at his pace. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect overnight. Nor does he see you as some horrifying work in progress. He has a plan for you which he will work out in his own time. Be patient with your two mes, God loves them both.