I remember being a child walking into the Old Dutch Reformed Church that my parents had bought in the inner city of Pietermaritzburg. I remember how big everything seemed.
They redecorated the church, I grew up, and it eventually became our kids church building because it was way too small and all the people couldn’t fit inside – it would take three services for that to happen.
One day I sat back, amazed at how small the church seemed for me now. I couldn’t get over it. It used to be so big, didn’t it? No… I saw it as big because I was small, and now because I was “bigger” it seemed smaller – the same size the adults around me saw it as. It was also around a time that I started to understand a whole lot of things differently from “before”. It was like my brain had opened up to the sky and was seeing through its eyes.
I gained something very valuable that would change my life forever – something called perspective.
Perspective.
- The appearance of things relative to one another as determined by the distance from the viewer;
- A way of regarding situations or topics;
- A view embracing various distances (mental retrospect or prospect).
Now, the word relative stood out for me in that definition and so I also looked it up – one of the definitions were, not involving absolute existence but rather, a conditioned existence (i.e. beauty is in the eye of the beholder).
I learned very quickly that if the way that I spoke to myself inside wasn’t positive when things didn’t go according to plan, then I would slip into something that I later pinpointed as depression. Sometimes, in the beginning, something would go disastrously wrong and I would grasp at problem-solving straws to try and make sense of the situation, then spend another two days talking to myself about all the ways that the sun couldn’t shine in this situation. It was like a deep and dark valley that I walked through (on the inside). I couldn’t explain it to friends or family, because I couldn’t fully understand it myself.
One day, something big happened and I went into that valley for about three months. I can’t remember a day during that period that I didn’t cry. Sometimes I would wake up crying, sometimes I would find myself crying as I walked down the passage way. It was weird.
As much as there were a ton of negative voices in my head, there were also voices telling me that when I eventually got out of this place, I never wanted to go back. I learnt very quickly that I needed to grab on to a different perspective – I needed to condition my mind to another reality; something other than what I saw right in front of me. I was done with the unreasonable stress, and there was no way that I could have another blackout. I was done with fear.
Even though I had been a Christian for nearly my whole life, I realised that it was during that time that I had let go of His perspective in my life and had allowed my inner voice to take control. These are a few verses that really helped me out of the slouch:
“You, beloved are worth so much more than a whole flock of sparrows. God knows everything about you, even the hairs on your head. So do not fear”
(Matthew 10:30)
“The tongue is a blazing fire seeking to ignite an entire world of vices. The tongue is unique among all parts of the body because it is capable of corrupting the whole body. If that were not enough, it ignites and consumes the course of creation with a fuel that originates in hell itself.”
(James 3:5)
“Do away with any talk that twists and distorts the truth. Have nothing to do with any verbal trickery. Keep your head up, your eyes straight ahead, and your focus fixed on what is in front of you. Take care that you don’t stray from the straight path, the way of truth, and you will safely reach the end of your road. Do not veer off course to the left or to the right, step away from evil and leave it behind.”
(Proverbs 4:24-26)
“Stay focused on Jesus who designed and perfected our faith. He endured the cross, and ignored the shame of that death because he focused on the joy set before him, and now he is seated beside God on the throne, in the place of honour.”
(Hebrews 12:2)
“Above all, you must live as citizens of Heaven”
(Philippians 1:27)
Instalments I, II and III of the Star Wars Saga are incredibly interesting (I personally think that the Star Wars Saga will change your life if you let it), and it is especially tragic to follow the life of Anakin Skywalker, the force sensitive slave boy who was found by the Jedi Order, born to Shmi Skywalker on the Outer Rim world of Tatooine. The Jedi Order discovered Anakin, freed him from slavery, and brought him into their community, saying that he was the chosen one of the Jedi Prophecy – the one who was destined to defeat the Sith (the bad guys) and bring balance to the Force. All of that was squashed when Anakin became the infamous Sith Lord, Darth Vader – the Ultimate Baddy.
There were many years in between Anakin being found as a boy and then becoming Darth Vader. And I feel that things could have been so different for him if he had allowed them to be. Throughout his childhood and then adulthood, Master Yoda warned him of embracing the fear that he knew that Anakin harboured: “Train yourself to let go of all that you’re scared to lose,” was something that he had said to Anakin while Anakin was still deciding whether to embrace his inner turmoil or not.
The way that I see it, Anakin embraced his new identity as Darth Vader because of great fear and a lack of perspective. Fear told him that he should scramble to protect what he loved – but because he walked in fear, he lost all that he loved anyway.
I am not an expert, nor am I the authority on anything other than what I have experienced, but my experience shows that I have been driven to dark places of despair because I have embraced the perspective of fear. Fear scrambles; fear embraced hopelessness; fear is mindful of the future at the expense of the moment.
It has been a few years for me now. And I am learning to walk and see the world through love’s eyes.
Honestly, sometimes I fail… But I’ll never allow myself to go back into total despair. Never. Allowing myself to walk in fear again would ruin me, and it can ruin you too if you allow it.
If you are like me or have been like me, and also have the problem of thinking that the world is sometimes too overwhelming, that your situation is way too dark, and that there is no solution, I encourage you friend, to please read a little more by clicking on the banner below!