Facing the death of a loved one isn’t easy, but how about a loved one you’ve never met?
Miscarriage, especially early on in a pregnancy, is surprisingly common. It’s surprising because it’s rarely discussed and most women wait until the magical 12 week mark to announce they’re expecting. Experts estimate that 50% of all miscarriages occur within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, many pass unnoticed before the mother is even aware that she has conceived. My miscarriage happened in my eighth week.
Each lost pregnancy has it’s own story and each one is unique. I was already Mom to an 18 month old and after adjusting to life as a parent (and feeling I nearly knew what I was doing) was excited to add to our family. My husband and I were thrilled. We hadn’t announced our news as yet, but we’d told my family and couldn’t wait to see who this new little person was going to be. Then I started to bleed.
I’ve never felt so helpless. Knowing that something was very wrong. Knowing that my baby needed me to protect it but being completely unable to stop what was happening. Having had a completely ‘easy-breezy’, plain-sailing first pregnancy the loss of the second was totally unexpected. And yet there I was at the hospital being told that my baby was gone.
It’s very hard to find reason in loss, no matter how hard you look for it. I tried to console myself with the fact that most miscarriages occur when there is something wrong with the developing egg. That being the case, surely it was better to find out early than further down the process. Although this made sense on a rational level, it didn’t really help with the empty, pain left behind. It’s been eight years this week and although I wouldn’t have ever chosen to walk this road there are some valuable things I have learnt on this journey.
Sometimes things don’t go to plan
Having a plan and expectations for your life is a very good thing but don’t hold too tightly to those ideal scenarios. Things change, the unexpected happens and it’s easy to get blindsided by unforeseen events. One day we were expecting another baby and the next we weren’t. That wasn’t part of the plan and it would have been easy to just lie down and mourn the future that wasn’t meant to be. It’s okay to be thrown off-balance when things go a little off the rails but after you’ve grieved for your loss you have to dust yourself off and take the next step.
Some wounds stay with you
I now have four beautiful children but I still think about it and at times shed a tear for the one didn’t meet. Thankfully I no longer need to cry when a friend tells me their pregnant or become emotion at the thought of my child being in heaven but this baby changed me in a way that none of my other children have. Everyone carries things that can potentially effect who they are. It may be loss or some other emotional experience. Not all scars are ugly, some times they just remind us of what we’ve come through.
Life is precious
Life, in all its forms, is precious. It shouldn’t be taken for granted because it is also fragile and holds few guarantees. Each day you have with the ones you love is a gift and should be treated as such.
There is always hope
At times loss can feel like the end but that isn’t true. It took a while but eventually we did add a new little person to our family, and we called her Hope. Death may be hard to face and it can sting when it touches those we cherish but when you have faith beyond this life and a hope for a future in heaven, the pain of saying goodbye is lessened.
You aren’t alone
While each miscarriage is different and everyone feels the pain in their own way it can be comforting to know that others have been through something similar. Being able to share how you feel or even just cry with someone can help provide the support and love you need. My greatest source of comfort was in my relationship with God. When I couldn’t talk to anyone else about how I felt I could talk to Him. The Bible tells us that God is close to those who are grieving and that He collects our tears, and is there, in our sorrow.
No experience, no matter how difficult, should be wasted. There are always things that we can learn and take away with us. Being able to take something painful and find something positive means that the pain has not been pointless.
If you have experienced loss in your life or would like to talk to someone, please click on the link or leave a comment.